contented

Right this moment, I am fairly content with my life. Being me, I know that this feeling would not last long but I will give my all to savor it. Do not be mistaken, my life isn’t perfect. It just isn’t as dysfunctional as it always is. I’m getting the hang of tuning out things that might have a negative impact in my life although it’s only remotely connected to me. I have not been a good friend to a lot of people lately. I’m so deeply sorry for my disappearance. I’m trying my best. I beg you to give me some space. Let me breathe. Its not that I don’t want you in my life, I just don’t feel like sharing my sorrow with the whole world. To Nur Durrah Ismail and Hafiz Nawawi, I can’t thank you enough for being there for me when I needed you. Capoeira and climbing saved my soul. I’m not going to elaborate on how they did, they just did. Aiman and Fiza, I miss you guys.

21/10/09

my day

• work. ash purposely looked for a reason/chance to make me talk to the cute guy :) got some good news from HR. not gonna jinx it. keeping my fingers crossed till friday the payday :)
  
• drove 55 km back home with eyes half closed.
• forgot to collect cordless phone from stupid stmyx. changed destination. headed to tmpoint damansara.
  
• craved for cupcakes. the curve. rained heavily the moment i entered the carpark. wandered around aimlessly like a zombie. did some shopping. found an aromatherapy massage parlor. stiff shoulder so got me a half body massage. damn it was good. bought the cupcakes and mcd for dinner.
• wanted so badly to just sit back, relax, watch a movie whilst enjoying my meal but i accidentally spilled the damn drink near my sub woofer and plug. sigh. then....jiji decided to test my patience by refusing to display anything on the monitor. gave up for a while. scarfed up my cheeseburger within seconds. 4 attempts later and finally jiji forgave me for considering to replace her.
  
• forgot to bring up the damn cordless up so had to go down and get it from my car. sigh
• finally got to enjoy my cupcake. okay. didnt really enjoy or savor it. i scarfed it up too.
  
• wanted to make brownies but the damn gas tank decided to be empty on this very day. stashed the semi chopped nuts back into the cabinet.
• felt guilty for eating comfort food with a ton of fat, grease, cholesterol,.....so i put on my bathing suit and went downstairs to swim. pancit nak mampos. haven't been doing much cardio lately. just climbing.
• a very nice shower. prepared all my stuff for tomorrow and here i am..about to doze off. goodnite
  

classical tunes

mode : floating on air with classical tunes

listening to Vivaldi, Mozart and Beethoven

the soothing tunes never fail to comfort me

every time i listen to them, i am amazed at how the tunes excel to tell a story, a tale or express an emotion without a single word. at least thats how i feel. my music knowledge is very limited, yeah i know.

masterpieces

why?

i'm a social retard.

i'm aware that i am.

i go on silent mode when they try to get close.

i wont let them see the vulnerable side of me.

i vanish without notice.

i push people away until they hate me.

i wont let them know who i am.

because once they do, they'll leave..

sayang

Datanglah kepada aku sayang
Bawalah ruang hati mu
Bawalah panggilan cintaku
Bawalah rimbunan dingin untuk aku berteduh

Jangan pernah tinggalkan aku sayang
Ada lagi aku di sini kerana kamu
Berdiri aku bertopangkan ketagihan genggaman kecilmu
Selamanya aku berhutang kesuburan sifatku sama wujudmu

Senyumlah sayang
Nikmatilah kehidupan jahil itu
Ianya jauh lebih baik dari yang nyata
Jangan khuatir sayang, kau tidak rugi apa apa..

ice cream moustache

i saw a 3 year old girl near a McDonald's ice cream stand

she was happily licking her green-striped ice cream cone

she caught me smiling at her 'ice cream-moustached' face

she laughed sheepishly and hid behind her mother's legs

after a few seconds, she came out from behind her mother,

she saw me again and she laughed heartily

she tried to wipe the ice cream off her face while still laughing & looking at me

i guess she knew i was smiling at her ice cream covered face

something about her sincere laugh made me smile the whole day..

ironi

ironi
kau masih belum sedar
karma sedang menadah air matamu
mencurah cuka pada luka hatimu

ironi
kau masih gigih meneguk kasih
dari telaga bebal yang tak mampu lagi menangis
nyaris kering dihirup egomu

ironi
dungu yang dipijak kejam berulang kali
masih buta realiti
diikat jampi kasih palsumu

projectile vomit

dr kata, "writing is therapeutic, you should try it". aku hanya senyum paksa padanya. aku jawab "yeah sure, ill try". minggu lepas aku hantar sms pada bestfren "she was so wrong. haha. CLEANING is therapeutic" :)

lately everywhere you go, there'll be raya tunes ringing your ear drums. i'm not a big fan. (please dont spam my blog with comments telling me how to appreciate raya) i have nothing against aidilfitri, mind you. i love spending raya with my parents & siblings. them and only them

i hate
-being expected to buy new glamorous stuff for the sake of raya
-faking kindness when people i despise make unexpected visits
-slaving in the kitchen preparing meals for people i hate
-pretending to slave in the kitchen to avoid having conversations with people i hate
-being forced to make visits to the homes of the people i hate
-people asking my mother, why is your daughter so comot? why isn't she wearing clothes with glittering stuff on them? why doesn't she have any makeup on?
-people asking my mother about MY personal life


aku tak sempurna. aku teruskan hidup tapi aku tak mudah lupa. aku menonton dari suatu sudut. aku senyum sinis. gerakan sudah tidak seiring. terpijak, tersadung, tersembam.


aku perfectionist. parut sebesar semut di hujung kaki bisa memetik rasa jijik. don't get me wrong, i love myself, wouldn't want to be anyone else. ini cuma kelemahan aku. tapi aku tahu, parut itu takkan hilang, takkan ada ubat, takkan ada surgery yang boleh memadamkannya.


the wall i've built is for you. its not there to protect me. the sole purpose of its being is to protect you from me..

1st day of Ramadhan

woke up at 5 for sahur. makan kfc's original burger sambil mata separuh tertutup. had my coffee and performed my prayers before going back to sleep. the combination of my strong coffee and my meds made me very dizzy. made me a bit high kot. haha. i wanted to go back to sleep so badly but i couldn't. tomorrow morning i'm planning to make a very mild coffee for sahur. just enough caffeine to get me through the day. got sick of forcing myself to sleep so i woke up. got a text from elle saying she was already at camp5. took a quick shower, got dressed and headed to one utama. climbing on my 1st day of fasting :) just wanted to improve my technique, sweat a bit and take my mind off food, thats all. my right arm was aching like hell till i had to ask the front desk for analgesic balm. i stopped at around 4. i was already worn out. went to pick up my sis at home and headed for bangsar's bazaar. nothing much there i gotta say. got home, took a long relaxing shower and after that it was already time for iftar. halfway through my meal, i was already full. couldn't eat much. nearly fell asleep but managed to stay awake after a cup of coffee. i'm proud of myself for being able to stay awake to even type this post. mengantuk & letih. contemplating whether i should train capoeira tomorrow. a bit malas nak train pon ada. no axe. suddenly craving for cheesecake. tapi nanti kalau beli tak habis pulak. hmm...

Sesi soal jawab

Orang tanya kenapa aku selalu merayau sendiri
Aku jawab aku selesa sendirian

Orang tanya lagi, kenapa?
Aku jawab aku suka melayan perasaan dan jelik berkata-kata jika terpaksa

Orang kata aku loser
Aku jawab, suka hati aku lah

Orang kata kasihan sama aku
Aku jawab, mengapa perlu kasihan? aku pilih untuk sendirian

Orang kata, telefon lah andai mahu kemana-mana
Aku jawab, kira aku inginkan teman, akan aku khabarkan

Orang kata aku jarang sekali melontar senyuman
Aku jawab, aku senyum bila aku hendak. aku bukan miss universe yang perlu senyum pada semua

Orang kata aku memilih
Aku jawab, kau tidak tahu cerita sebenarnya

Orang kata aku sombong, susah nak dekat
Aku jawab, kalau kau pembunuh bersiri, bagaimana?

lasagna & kereta saya/johnny

it was a friday.

instead of baking, i decided to make a lasagna.

it was my 1st time really. this amateur cook took almost 1 1/2 hours just to cook the lasagna noodles. it took such a long time because i decided to boil the noodles one by one so that they wont stick to each other. made the meat sauce, grated the cheese, layered everything in the pan and an hour later voilà! its ready to go into the oven. or so i thought. this amateur cook, again i emphasize AMATEUR totally forgot that she needed aluminium foil to cover the lasagna. i called my mom asking her an alternative to this problem but she couldn't come up with anything. so i changed my clothes and ran downstairs to the mini market to find the aluminium foil. truthfully, i didn't put much hope in finding it there as the mini market only caters a small range of cooking supplies. to my delight and surprise, they do sell aluminium foils and there was 1 left. i bought it without even looking at the price. ran upstairs and put my lasagna into the oven.

it tasted okay to me. couldn't layer it much though as i didn't have the proper pan for it. i used my 2" cookie-baking pan.

done washing the dishes and cleaning up, i walked around the house looking for something to do as i had a nagging feeling that something was not right. when i'm anxious, i clean or do anything that keep me busy. then i decided to go mixer hunting and then hang out in cyber/sk after that. i got ready and walked outside to my car and then..jeng jeng jeng ....my car was not there!

my heart fell to the bottom of my stomach. i calmed myself and dialled my sister. a zillion attempts later and she still didnt answer. i scrolled my phone book looking for somebody else to call. when i saw apis's name, i immediately called him. i told him what happened he told me what to do. i was afraid that my car might have been stolen but he assured me that it wasn't a very calm voice. with shaky fingers i went online and surfed through the dbkl website for information. i called the dbkl tow depoh and this pakcik answered. i told him my situation and asked him to check whether my car was at the depoh or not. i repeated my plate number at least 3 times before he got it right. he yelled my plate number to his co-worker and the-very-not-funny co-worker told him that the car with the plate number just mentioned was not there. i almost stopped breathing. i took a deep breath and very nicely asked the pakcik to check again. then i heard the idiot co-worker yell 'oh ada ada ada'. so not funny kan these dbkl people. the pakcik who answered the phone told me to collect my car at the depoh that very night as they would charge more if i collected my car the next day. he tried to give me directions as to where the depoh was but the directions or landmarks mentioned didn't ring any bells until he said Hospital Tawakal. i thanked him and politely asked if he would wait if i were to arrive a little late.

next step, tried to figure out how the hell to get there. cab would be the most transparent choice but i didn't want to go all alone so i called up ajim. thank God he was in lowyat plaza with jai. they were shopping for some camera stuff. problem was, ajim didnt know how to get to my house. so i took a cab to bukit bintang. i was so shocked and nervous about the whole thing that i chatted with the cab driver the whole way there. i usually get annoyed with chatty cab drivers but that wasn't the case that night. met up with the both of them in sg wang and then headed to the depoh. i have super bad sense of direction so thankfully jai knew exactly how to get to Hospital Tawakal. the traffic was pretty bad that night especially around the pudu area so i called the depoh again informing them that i was on my way. arrived at the depoh, filled up some forms, paid 155 bucks and johnny was in my possession again. they needed some identification that i was in fact the owner of the car so i pulled out the road tax/insurance watever from my car and showed it to them. it was a long long tiring day. went straight home and parked at my housemates parking spot.150 bucks gone just like that.

1 month

its been a month since my last post. lost mojo

• im slowly drifting back into my run-and-hide stage.
• i was supposed go on an island vacation but i ended up going back home to my lovely hometown penang, i know i know, its an island but a vacation to your hometown doesnt count as a real vacation. it was ok i guess. its been ages since i last went to the beach. it was a short trip but i went back to kl with a tan line which is still visible today. so very not cool okay.
• after my so-called vacation,i went back to penang again the following week to accompany mommy as daddy went back to kelantan for his niece's wedding.had a huge fight with my sister before we went back. i was accused of a lot of unpleasant things.
  
• i missed my childhood friend's wedding.
• got shot down. please dont ask for details.
  
• i moved in a new house. i finally got my stuff back from a certain someone. ive been dreading this for a while but i finally managed to do it. it may not sound like a hard thing to do but it was difficult for me, emotionally that is. since i went with my sister, i had to control my face from showing any signs of sadness. after all that, i went to watch terminator salvation in one utama with afif and friends. the movie sucked big time. well, to me at least. i was planning on using the deposit money returned by my previous house owner to spoil myself a little bit buuutttt, i used the money to pay my phone bill and rent. im still planning to spoil myself tho. just thinking of a way to do it cheaper.
• his birthday. i did a status for him since i was too emotional to call them. a lot of people were curious but what the hell. i couldnt care less. it was for him.
  
• i went rock climbing again last week. i managed to find damai wall in batu caves on my own. i deserve a pat on the back for this. seriously. i get lost so often that when i arrived there without a single phone call asking for directions, people were shocked. anyway, the moment i arrived, my eyes were feasting on the sight of hot half naked bodies. it was like disneyland for me. thank God for shades. tho i enjoyed the view, i didnt want the owners of the hot bodies to know that i was looking at them. :P
  
• when the people u least expected to care about u show u that they do, its a strangely wonderful feeling. i know that i portray myself as an independent person but i do want to be taken care of at times. it carved a smile on my face when a person i just got to know showed me that he cared, that he would be worried if i walked alone at night and that he would be there if i needed him, without expecting anything in return. no, hes not trying to woo me. thank you dear friend. no matter how many nicknames i have for u due to your extracurricular activities, im grateful to have u as my friend.
• my neck and back and everything feels so stiff, i think i need a massage.
  

shop!

i'm tired but not sleepy just yet. does that make any sense? i just got back from midvalley. i went shopping alone the whole day today. it was wonderful. i have no idea why some people think its weird that i shop alone. i find it very relaxing. i would go browsing stuff from store to store without the guilt of making somebody wait whilst entertaining my own thoughts. its fun for me at least. i do shop with friends or my sister or mother at times but when i really want to buy something,i would just rather go alone. plus if i go with my mother or my sister, they would exhaust my ears by yapping, thats not suitable for you or please keep your money or that isnt the way you should dress. haha. before i went shopping, i went to get my hair trimmed at my usual salon. i just love the way Sam cuts my hair. it just grows out nicely. its a bit pricey for my standard but its worth it :) then i went to one utama. after i got bored of it, i drove to midvalley. although i didnt shop much, all in all, im satisfied with my shopping today.
my mom says i look really selekeh when she came to kl last weekend. such a great thing to hear from your mother the minute you meet her right. all weekend she was nagging me about my the way i dress, my style and how i should look good at all times. hhmmpphh. personally im the 'look good when i feel like it' kind of girl. im no fashionista. you should see me when im at home or when i go to places nearby, seriously, i look like somebody's maid(no offence intended to people who work as maids). i wear loose pants or my stretchable sports pants, baby-t's , sweater with my hair tied up and a naked face. and not to forget my glasses. haha. now that ive typed it down, i sould so hideous. i should really work on my style

getting physical

capoeira + rock climbing + swimming all in 1 day = aching muscles + exhaustion + a whole lot of bruises + tons of FUN!!!

this is what happens when you're too eager to get down from the top and didnt bother listening to the instructions :P

my legs look so hideous right now but i dont really mind. the bruises will go away in a week or so.
its been a 'physically busy' week for me since i have always been too lazy to exercise. i did all that on saturday, went for capoeira class on sunday, went swimming on monday ( tried nak keep up with ajim but couldnt. damn. according to him, i did 10 laps, according to me, i did 21 laps sbb dia kira pegi balik as 1 lap. haha) and i went climbing again at camp5 yesterday. i have no idea what i'm going to do today and tomorrow. maybe swimming or jogging. i have a long way to go before i can get rid of those damn lovehandles. haihhh

advice anyone?

after living for almost 25 years, i still have no idea how to comfort people or give advice
i despise it and do not think I'm fit to give anyone advice but when a person you're close to comes to you weak in the knees and begging for advice, u cant help but try
i found myself scratching my head and digging to the roots of my brain just to find the right words to say. even after all the scratching and digging, i only managed to say all the cliche things other people say when someone's sad. "get over him", "i feel sorry for you", "i feel your pain", "I'm here for you"
i know for a fact that those sentences won't cure anything. it just makes you force a polite smile and lets you know that you're not alone. but then again, no amount of kindness or warm wishes would help you get through your pain. at the end of the day, its your own personal battle to fight.
i just dont know what to say or do when other people are sad. when people whine about things that seem sad to them but petty to me, i tend to grin or laugh. seriously, that isn't something you would want to hear when you're looking for sympathy.

on another note, i finally watched turtles can fly last week. its been loitering in my hard disk for months and when boredom hit, i watched it. aiman said it was a sad movie so i was kind of expecting myself to cry. halfway through, and i still wasn't crying. ajim messaged me asking me what i was doing. i told him about the movie and how i was waiting for the sad scenes to make me weep. he sort of laughed and said he didn't think i was going to cry. i asked him why he was so sure, he said he just knew. he even bet me that i wasn't going to shed a single tear. i didn't believe him until i finished watching the movie. he was right, i didnt cry. it was kind of sad though. it was heartbreaking to watch all those armless and legless refugee kids. im not in the mood for a movie review. next time maybe. in conclusion, i suck at giving advice and i didnt cry watching a sad movie.

frame of mind

im cranky,rude n mean
my mood swings are unpredictable
i refuse to see or talk to most people
i cant be bothered to fake kindness
i cant even be bothered to smile
i need endorphins but im too lazy to work out
i need some laughter
i need a natural high
i need to boost my self esteem
i need a hug :|

dansa

ritma dansa berarak gah
bersaksikan bulan dan bintang
beserta segala isi alam

alunan suara senafas, seiring, seirama
dibuai desir angin dan deruan ombak
yang bagai sama menjiwai lenggok rentak

langkah tari diatur interpretasi rasa
jarum masa seakan terapung mati
di ruang magis yang tak dipagari

bibir bergerak mengukir sebentuk senyuman. ikhlas atau sinis? kau tentukan ;)

my long weekend

a long entry. sorry i cant be bothered to construct full sentences

19th february

• i received an sms from an EBC member informing me that there would be an unexpected roda in bukit bintang that night

• reluctant at 1st as i have never been in a public roda before.received an sms from agas who persuaded me to go. he assured me that i only had to sing and clap
  
• drove to bukit bintang like a maniac as i thought i was already late.arrived at quarter past 8. parked my car at bb plaza parking.
• met other EBC members at maybank.waited and waited and waited till all of us were very anxious. decided to get some food while waiting.
  
• even after the consumed food were all digested, no sign of mestres.
• they finally arrived at 10.45 or so. apparently there were some kind of mixup with the plans and mia got lost in cheras when she was on her way to pick them up.
• very fun roda.mestres showed off their skills. humiliated myself in public.forced to play roda with the mestres.was the only beginner there.
• supposed to go to lcct to pick up the filipino students.another plan mixup.horrible organization to be honest. there were no definite planning as to where the students would stay.
• there was no bloody way i was gonna drive all by myself to lcct at night since san, ovu and i were going to lcct from separate directions, i persuaded agas to come with me.got lost a bit before arriving. cacau was calling so many times as it was already late and no one was actually communicating with her. picked them up. another problem,5 were supposed to stay in cheras and 5 in damansara.there 3 cars but only san knew the way to cheras but his car cant fit 5 passengers. in the end, all 3 cars went to cheras for the people there to decide who stays where. everyone was already tired so all of them decided to stay in cheras. took them out for supper, sent agas home and headed to putramas right away.
• very very tired but i couldnt get much rest that night

20th february

• received an sms wanting me to go to cheras to pick them up and send them to cacau's house. i was locked in as my sister went to work and didnt give me her key.
• juls called and arranged for me, her and syaza to go to the workshop together.
• got ready, packed the necessary stuff and knocked on underwear guys' door(ask him a favor, to tag the stupid lift so that i can use the lift to go down to the ground floor)
• parked car at havana. got a ride with juls while truque rode with syaza. syaza forgot her gps so we had to just find the place on our own.
• arrived at the hotel. no1 was ready just yet. syaza went early to the complex and left her car with me. juls and i were supposed to convoi with soldado to the complex but we lost him in the traffic. decided to stop at the gas station and ask for directions. juls had to pay a cab to take her there.
• finally got there. tiring workshop. not enough water.too chicken to get into the roda. forced to go in with soldado. supposed to take 5 filipinos to cacau's house. went to rasta for supper. ate like a cow. went home after that.

miss grimace i am indeed


21st february

• woke up aching all over.got an sms asking me to take the filipinos to bt caves. i wanted to coz theyre so nice but i was aching and had a headache.
• remembered i had nothing to wear for the brazilian night. drove to cyber that evening to pick some clothes
• rushed to bkt bintang as there was another roda. it was raining on the way so i had to slow down. the roda was cancelled. met the boys in mcd and went to change in lot 10.the boys were having an early dinner in sg wang. by the time everyone was gathered to go to the westin together,it was raining heavily. i forgot that westin was opposite pavilion, if i had remembered i wouldve driven there. dumbass. it was pouring rain and there was no way we could run/walk there without arriving soaking wet. estatua brought his umbrella and san had this very 'nazak' looking umbrella.we decided to take turns using the 2 umbrellas and stop at every possible shelter. all 6 of us looked like idiots running in the rain. my feet were all wet and so were my clothes. i was just trying very hard to conceal my face from the rain as i didnt want the rain to ruin my makeup and make me look goth.
  
• we finally arrived in qba. the music was fine. the batucada people were there. a close friend i invited to the event called and asked me for a favor. he wanted to buy him some flowers. a good friend i am, i snatched salario from the crowd and made him accompany me to pavilion to get the flowers. it costs 50 freakin bucks! i didnt know flowers were that expensive but i couldnt care less since im gonna claim the money anyway. it was a tad embarrassing lugging the flowers around the mall. im so gonna hang this over his head for the rest of his life. everyone was having fun i guess at qba. i felt like i was suffocating in the crowd. it reminded me why i dont go clubbing.
  
• i was getting tired so i left at 12 or so. the bb parking is so stupid. the malls were already closed so azhar and i had to climb up winding ramp to get my car. we had dinner at devis bangsar and i drove home.

21st february

• batizado day. drove to solaris. got a teeny tiny tshirt for batizado. i looked like i was wearing a baby's shirt. stomach ache. everyone thought i was just nervous but i knew that wasnt it.
• got my yellow corda. didnt do as well as i wanted coz i was too busy telling myself not to vomit during the au. happy with my corda none the less.
• took the filipinos to makbul ttdi for lunch. planned to take them to klcc afterwards. as i said, theyre too nice to say no to. arrived in klcc when suddenly somebody called saying we had to be at the hotel. i was rather confused. we had just arrived.havent even had the chance to show them around. gas aint free people! since the filipinos said to me in makbul that they wanted to see the place, i decided to just stay. had coffee and good conversation at dome. they went back to the hotel with a cab. i didnt want to go to the hotel since they were taking a cab there. i just didnt see the point of going but somebody insisted. i wasnt in the mood to argue so i went. almost hit another car at the roundabout as i was too busy looking at the signboard coz my passengers werent sure of the route. arrived at the hotel, cheras was fucking packed. couldnt find a parking outside so went to the paid parking.
• i looked like a vegetable as i entered their room. i was exhausted. i didnt take the filipinos to the airport as nobody told me earlier. i had plans with my sister. i felt bad for the filipinos but i was just too exhausted. im broke anyway. gas and toll cost aint cheap.

in the roda with prof sapo

in conclusion, i had a long, tiring but fun weekend. met some very interesting people and witnessed some very cool capoeira moves by the mestres.

*pics courtesy of mr johan sopiee a.k.a ovu

crappy entry

i have no idea what to write. otak macam beku. nak cakap writers block, im not actually a writer. do i have to be utterly depressed in order to find inspiration? i think i need to find a muse. maybe a happy one for a change. its not easy to find one in my own circle. maybe this is God's way of telling me to get the hell out of my comfort zone and find me a muse. sekarang boleh la semangat meet new people, konon nak cari muse, nanti bila dah kenal orang baru, mula la lari bila dah rapat atau bosan. i used to wonder why i can be really friendly to strangers and new people but once things get personal, i tend to run in the opposite direction. i brought it up in one of my conversations with a close friend. he said that knowing me, thats only natural. i have this fear of intimacy. i wont let people in that easily. we argued about it for some time as i was still in the denial stage. i didnt want to believe that i was that damaged or messed up inside. i took some time away from everything and pondered about it alone until i was ready to own up to it. well, that was about a year ago or so. yet i have not found a way to overcome my issues. i do not think im bipolar but there was a time when i my mood switched within seconds. one moment i was all happy and giggly and the next thing i know i was all curled up weeping like a baby. also vice versa. i dont know what it is but i cant connect well with energetic, bubbly, happy people. i prefer ones who are melancholic tho happy ones help me burn more calories. haha. orang-orang yang kononnya sangat happy dan tak ada masalah ni buat saya rasa macam parasit/virus. saya tak percaya ada orang yang 100% happy even if they claim they are. that would explain why i avoid seeing friends when im down. i do pretend to be all happy when i have to but i just cant do it constantly. penat ok nak pretend senyum kalau senyum tu tak ikhlas.ada juga sesetangah yang buat saya rasa macam sayalah punca masalah dan semua masalah ni semua senang sangat nak selesaikan. buat je macam ni, buat je macam tu, kau bukan dalam situasi aku bodoh! macam mana kau tau senang sangat nak buat! kepada yang rasa begitu, u can go kiss your own ass! im a gazillion miles away from perfect but if my memory serves me right, i rarely tell people how to solve their problems coz i know that i would never completely understand their situation. saya jarang nak bagi pendapat kpd orang lain dan saya juga enggan bagi pendapat kalau ditanya sekalipon sebab saya tau saya berfikiran sinikal.kepada sesiapa yang saya terbagi pendapat, saya min ta maaf sangat2. tak ramai orang boleh menerima pendapat saya so buat apa saya nak cakap. buat kering air liur je. saya dah melalut. this entry is a load of crap. im just whining about stuff i seldom say out loud coz im a scaredy-cat who cant work it to attack people verbally without getting into a fight.

Cinta

Mengukir senyuman di saat terjaga
Hati diulit siulan muzik indah
Yang gelita tampak terang
Yang hina dikhabar mulia
Kerana cinta aku bahagia
Kerana cinta aku dibuai lara

Agungkah cinta itu?
Seagung kasih ibu yang memerah kudrat melahirkanku?
Sekudus kasihNya yang sentiasa bersamaku?
Apa cinta itu mengurangkan sakitku bila nyawa dicabut Izrail?
Apa cinta itu akan menjawab soalan mungkar dan nakir di kuburku?
Apa cinta itu membimbingku detik amalan dihisab di padang mahsyar?

Apa aku terlalu taksub mengemis cinta duniawi?
Dari seseorang yang bergelar manusia?
Apa aku terlalu daif sehingga meminggirkan cinta pada ibu dan Tuhanku?

Mati aku ber-binkan ibu
Syurga aku di telapak kaki ibuku
Mengapa dihunus rimas bila menjawab panggilan ibu
Namun menagih rela bila dipanggil kekasih?
Mengapa gigih berucap sayang pada kekasih
Dan menjaja alkisah sayang itu tanpa segan silu,
Bila gagap untuk hanya membisikkan sayang pada ibu?
Mengapa pantas menadah maaf kala terlanjur bahasa dengan kekasih
Bila keampunan ibu hanya dipohon setibanya syawal?

Pintu rezeki dan jasadku adalah nikmat dari Nya
Dipinjamkan sementara kepadaku untuk menjadi khalifah di alam ini
Namun mengapa aku tidak sedaya upayaku untuk mendekatiNya?
Mengapa aku ingkar pada suruhanNya?
Mengapa aku leka pada dugaanNya?
Mengapa tidak aku bercinta dengan Tuhanku?
Sebagaimana aku bercinta dengan umatNya?

Pentas dunia hanya sementara
Harus aku imbangi cintaku pada semua

January

• No New Year celebration for me. Some call me lame but i honestly couldn't care less. I'm not one for going to unbelievably crowded places, pushing through a bunch of sweaty + smelly people for a gasp of air and screaming happy new year on top of my lungs. its just the first day of the Gregorian calendar. big deal. even if i was not at home enduring the agonizing pain of my withdrawal, i would just be in some quiet place hanging out with some close friends. yes. boring. i know. too bad you cant see me rolling my eyes.
• Bestie came to kl for a few days to spend some time with her bf. although i didn't get to spend as much time as i wanted with her, it was nice having her around. its the first time in our 10 years of friendship did i get to have personal late night chat sessions with her. talking to her on the phone doesn't count. I'm really glad she had a good time here in kl. she deserves it.
  
• capoeira is still fun. i came back to kl after new year with a big blue-black bruise on my left knee. after that one went away, i managed to score another one then another one then another one...im a klutz and i dont mind the bruises. bestie told me to go easy on myself and not push too hard. i told her i actually like getting bruised and prefer physical pain than emotional ones. that statement left her speechless for a few seconds. pharmacists are not trained for emotional consulting. haha. my instructor says im improving but i still think i suck in capoeira. hes just trying to be nice i guess.
• had a girls days out or something last thursday.i met fieza at jusco for a quick drink. it was so good to see her especially since she happened to come across my mind a few days earlier. i missed her so much. we managed to catch up even though the clock was ticking fast. she had to go home to her family and i had to meet fadinha in midvalley. i really do hope ill get to meet fieza more often. after saying goodbye to fieza i rushed over to midvalley to meet fadinha. we walked around the mall aimlessly whilst sharing stories with each other. we didnt stop talking even when our mouths were filled with mcd's burger and fried chicken. we were that eager to talk. heh. its no wonder my sore throat is back.
• went to Dengkil to change both of the front tyres yesterday. dragged ajim to go with me tho he wasn't that much help. haha. traded in the old tyres for just 60 bucks. so cheap. they were relatively new. not even a few hundred miles on those tyres yet. its not my call anyway, the boss says trade it in, so i just traded it in. its not like im a car enthusiast or anything right. as long as the engine's running, the temperature is fine, the tyres are not bald and the air-conditioning is working, i have no complaints.
• I'm dead broke. i tried to track down my expenses last night and it turns out i spent a little too much on food. between the celebrations, comfort food and my own cravings, i have carelessly spent too much a little too early. im admitting my own stupid mistake but right now im really pissed off at a clinic in seri kembangan. the doctor spent less than a minute with me and she concluded that i needed 48 bucks worth of medication. are you that good of a doctor? its so freaking absurd especially since i only have a few bucks left with me now. im never going to that clinic ever again. i only have a sore throat and dry cough, im no doctor but i don't think i need 5 different kinds of medication to cure this. stupid doctor. no wonder your clinic was empty. your cough syrup better be working miracles on me because it tastes like piss.
  
• i learned that because i normally turn my back on the insults thrown my way, they seem to think that its okay to do it more. im like a volcano, just waiting to burst. trigger it at the wrong time and you'll get see devastating effect my mounting anger volcano has to offer. im so loving yoga mats right now. dont get me wrong, i cant do any yoga pose. 2 weeks ago, my capoeira instructor used yoga mats as targets for our martello kick. it felt so great to let out all my anger on the poor yoga mat. i accidentally kicked a few knuckles while i was burning up the adrenaline. my feet hurts and i feel bad for the people whose knuckles i've kicked but the refreshing sense trumps the guilt.

so there. my lame January. theres a week or so left before February but i doubt anything interesting will happen. cant wait for another depressing month. uuurrrgghh. sorry. im not a positive bright shiny bubbly person. its exactly 11.03 pm on January 22nd 2009.

Hitam

yang hitam baru sejengkal ditinggalkan
yang putih masih jauh beribu batu
perit
sakit itu masih segar
aku sendirian
luak makanan hanya untuk menepis kekosongan
lelap mata untuk lari dari rasa sakit
benak hanyut,kebas
putus hubungan dengan hati

mahu aku kakukan masa
agar aku dapat terus hanyut berkhayal yang indah
namun aku harus bergerak seiring dengan waktu
angin realiti meragut pergi angan-anganku
walau aku berlari mengejar impian samar itu
aku tersadung jatuh memeluk diriku
pintu hati kian sempit
akan adanya terang matahari
di sudut kelam hati aku

aku redha dengan dugaanku
takkan malam selamanya
siang pasti akan tiba dengan izinNya
bila ada bahagia,pasti ada derita
kalau adanya sunyi dalam hati
tandanya masih ada yang menyayangi

Tuhan & Kasih

Tuhan,

Penuhilah kosong hati ini

Dengan perasaan indah yang sekian lama tak ku rasai

Kasih,

Mengapa kau menjauh

Tidak layakkah aku untuk memilikimu

Tuhan,

Teguhkan kepercayaanku yang polos lagi goyah

Selimutkanlah beku hatiku dengan kehangatan iman

Kasih,

Remuk hatiku tak kelihatan pada zahir yang dingin

Jarimu pantas berkali memetik api keegoan

Tuhan,

Aku sujud dan sembah kepadaMu yang satu

Adil setiap takdirMu adalah bukti janji cinta pada umat manusia

Kasih,

Mengapa ada tenungan kalau kau siratkan suara hatimu dengan kata-kata pedih

Mengapa lari dan sembunyi nyanyian matamu kalau ianya tulus

My Long List of Things I Hate/Pet Peeves

I hate

1. my jiggly arms

2. the usage of the term 'effing'.if you want to curse, just do it. shortening it doesn't change the meaning.

3. people who say what they don't mean.

4. the chatting abbreviation "LOL". is it that hard to type out "HAHAHA". Imagine chatting with someone who is not used to the term. It'll take them a moment to figure out what it means and to get the meaning registered to their brain cells.

5. people who spit it public.its plain gross.

6. the sight of guys carrying their girl's handbags.ladies, if you refuse to carry your own handbags, leave it at home or if its too heavy, don't put so much stuff in it. don't emasculate your man by making them lug around your handbags. its not flattering and it definitely doesnt make you look like you have the upper hand. it just makes you look lazy and your man look like an idiot. its a whole different story if its luggage okay.guys, those handbags are supposed to accessorize your girl, not you!

7. people who tend to call me a tomboy just because i don't fancy certain girly stuff. not wearing makeup daily and not doing my hair regularly means i'm a tomboy??

8. needy animals(*hint* cats). its not like i want them or any other animals dead, just stay far far away from me and go find your own food.

9. the fact that i can't shoot back at certain people verbally just because they're allegedly sensitive or fragile. I'm afraid of hurting their feelings tho they say things to me like nobody's business(*rolling eyes*)

10. people who claim to be music lovers and criticize other people's preference when they only listen to certain genres of music. if you cant respect or appreciate the kinds of music other people listen to, then you're no music lover.

11. people who condemn me in public (especially if i hadn't done anything cruel to that particular person) and claim its a fucking joke.it isn't funny if I'm not laughing.

12. idiots who keep telling me how to feel or how not to feel.(dah aku rasa mcm tu nak buat mcm mana, kalau aku boleh control macam mana aku nak rasa, i would be in constant euphoria every single day)

13. idiots who judge me supposedly based on religious views when i know for a fact what they have been doing behind closed doors.

14. girls who give me the 'You're a slut' look whenever i'm friendly with guys.kalau aku nak menggedik dengan sape pon(single guys, mind you),suka hati aku la,bukan aku kacau boyfriend kau pon!

15. people attempting to give me heart attacks while i'm driving. When i'm driving, im alert. Even if theres a car coming my way,you don't have to yell at me with a panicky voice especially when its still a gazillion miles away.When i'm about to park my car, if i wanted you to look out, i would ask, if not, shut up! cause if u make me panic, i might just hit the gas pedal instead of the brakes. I drive better when i'm not navigated.

16. people who twist facts just to justify their actions.

17. receiving advice from not-so-close friends when i clearly did not ask for it.

thats enough ranting for one post

The Brylcream

This is a long overdue post. It was written a few days before hari raya but I didn’t have the heart to post it then.

Late yesterday evening, mother sent me on a mission to buy some groceries from the nearby supermarket. As it was already approaching iftar, I fastened my pace and hysterically searched all over the store for the required goods as I didn’t want to be the subject of my mother's wrath. I was frustrated as I couldn’t find anything my mother asked for. Not wanting to go home empty handed, I rummaged through the canned goods and grabbed some fruity stuff I thought my mother would like. As I walked towards the cashier, my eyes caught a glimpse of red Brylcream. My heart sank. I was almost instantly reminded of my late grandfather who passed away almost 3 months ago on the 9th July 2008, a day before my 24^th birthday. The memory of him made my eyes watery even though I wasn’t all that close to him. I had a soft spot for him. When he was alive, he did try his best to be fair to his total of 40 something grandchildren and great grandchildren; unlike my grandmother. I never blamed him for our lack of closeness or communication. I was the only grandchild born overseas so my grandparents didnt have the chance to pamper or take care of me at all. My parents were and still are my sole caretakers. Sometimes I wish I had the grandfather/mother-granddaughter bond as my sister has with them. Though I had very few acquaintances with him, his death still felt like a huge loss to me. I cannot stop rewinding the little memory I have of my Bapaktok. Sadly, the Brylcream was one of the fondest memories I have of him. I used to buy him the red Brylcream as a token of appreciation every time I went back for my break (or at least every time I noticed that he was running out of it). I can still remember the wide huge smile he had on his face as I handed him the little souvenir. That minute gesture would be displayed proudly in the glass cabinet. It saddens me that I cannot even remember the last time I saw him. I began visiting him less and less due to the family conflicts these past 2 years. His Alzheimer’s disease was taking a toll on his memory. He would ask me “ila cuti berapa lama?”.I would answer and repeat the answer patiently for another 7-8 times as he would ask me the same question over and over again. When I got the call from my sister at 2 am informing me that he had deceased, I was a bit numb and speechless. The news took me by surprise because my grandmother has been the sicker one compared to him. Somewhere between my numbness and speechlessness, I remember feeling relieved. Of course I was not glad that he died. It’s just that I was relieved that he can now rest peacefully without having to listen to his children bickering and fighting over his very small fortune. I went straight to the cemetery as soon as I arrived in Penang. As I stared at his grave, my tears started to fall uncontrollably. Deep inside, I felt a little strange since I didn’t know I cared that much. I secretly always thought that deaths of members of my extended family wouldn’t have any effect on me. Truthfully, I didn’t know whether I was sad due to his passing or was I just looking for a public excuse to grieve. Maybe it was both because I recalled feeling sad at the graveyard as images of him ran accross my mind; though my aunts were bickering nearby. At that moment, I assured myself that I wasn’t wrong when I felt relieved and comforted by the thought of his passing as he has now gone to a better place. My grandfather was a noble and religious man despite these values are not being reflected in his children. Alhamdulillah, he passed away without much suffering. I was told that he acted a little strange a week before his death. Everyday he would sit at my grandmother’s bedside telling her that he's dying soon and strange enough,he did that with a smile on his face. A few days ago, my cousin gave my mother a picture him sitting my my grandma's bed and it confirmed the stories, he was in fact smiling a few days before his death. On the day itself, 9^th July 2008, he complained that he wasn’t feeling so well to his son and when he started coughing blood, they took him to the hospital. Even with his condition then, he got dressed decently without anyone’s help before going to the hospital .He said goodbye to my grandmother as if nothing was going to happen to him. He passed on after less than two hours being admitted to the ICU. No one was there by his side. If Allah SWT prolongs my stay on earth, my upcoming birthdays would always remind me of my dear grandfather. Rest in peace Bapaktok. Al-Fatihah

syawal

Fajar terbit di pagi syawal
Sayup sayup
Kedengaran takbir berkumandang
Memuji kebesaran ilahi
Aidilfitri disambut penuh kesyukuran
Jari disusun,kemaafan dirayu
Wajah-wajah suci menyambut dengan kerelaan
Ketulusan ditemani manik manik penyesalan
Kelapa tunduk, keampunan dicium
Suasana hening, kaku
Hanya irama tangisan
Tanda kesyukuran kepadaNya
Sayu dan syahdu
Menebus dosa dan meleraikan ketegangan
Memberi nikmat dan nafas baru
Di kala pagi raya

pain

pain..
theres a rationale behind why God created this emotion
despite the fact that every one's nature of pain differ from one another,
all human beings endure this emotion from time to time
can you imagine life without pain?
a world free from grief and sorrow
a life so perfect nothing could ever go wrong
if you ask anyone out there,
what their idea of an ideal life is like,
their answer would perhaps be,
a life without pain
they are not aware that pain is what makes life worthy
it makes life appealing
it makes us appreciate small things we take for granted
it makes us wanna strive towards overcoming the pain and moving on with our lives
although it leaves permanent holes in our hearts,
it motivates us to work harder towards a better life

pain comes in all shapes and sizes,
anywhere and everywhere
it may strike us emotionally
the pain of parting with someone we love
the pain of not being able to live up to certain expectations
the pain of hurting our loved ones
the pain of being deceived
or it may hit us by the physical manner
the pain of being harassed,tortured and infected with sickness

can you imagine a world without these circumstances?
a world without pain is static
can you imagine not being able to cry?
everything in life is so perfect that our tear ducts are too proud to shed a single tear
can you imagine not being able to feel the adrenaline rush when you get something you've been longing for,
because your life is painless that your heart cannot comprehend the sensation?
can you imagine holding a newborn baby in your arms and feeling nothing but numbness?
can you imagine being in love and not be able to savor the miracle of pure happiness?

it is often said that war is cold-blooded murder
it only brings misery,loss and heartache
but would we really appreciate our peace and serenity if not due to the pain caused by war?
would we really be concerned to exercise our right to vote for our own government if not for the
political mess and mistakes made by our forefathers?
would we stumble upon humanity if there's no pain and suffering in this world?
would we grasp and value the idea of happiness at all if there was no pain?

Anugerah Paling Berharga

Kau muncul ketika kegelapan

Awan redup mengiringi ketibaanmu

Taufan dan kilat memanah penjagamu

Mereka tersungkur,tak mampu bangkit

Kehadiranmu disalah ertikan

Jasad lemah mengaburi hikmah kewujudanmu

Sinar matamu jernih mencerminkan kesucian

Namun tak dapat menangkis kezaliman dan ketidakadilan

Tanganmu menyimpulkan tali yang hampir putus

Azalimu menduga mereka

Menjadikan aku manusia

Tanpamu,pasti aku terdampar di tanah jahil

Mengais ngais kebenaran

Kau datang tanpa dosa

Dan kau akan pulang tanpa dosa

Tempatmu telah dijanjikan disisiNya

It

it sits proudly on its throne
staring straight at her
its worth a thousand words
carved a pure smile on her face
swept her troubles away
a question lingers on her mind
was it real?
or was it made believe
mending a shattered heart
restoring a collapsed faith

kamu

sayu,sepi
riaknya saban senja
lirikan matanya sayup
wajahnya dibalut seribu misteri
hatinya sering gundah
berseorangan meniti badai hidup
kental menerjah arus kehidupan
sesekali melontarkan senyuman
mengelak menuturkan kata
pena sahabat sejatinya
matanya pantas menafsirkan perbuatan
akalnya tajam,dalam

hope

unruly
like the sun shining
like the thunder rolling
why
is there a choice
with all her heart
or carved in half
wind and sunshine
wet or dry
aging beyond disbelief
through wry hasty moments
one remain
falling rain satisfies wishful desires
flaws adapt with fresh rosy leaves
scars covered with new coating
hopeful