Yummy food + cholesterol

Given the fact that I am "trying" to eat healthy, I really shouldn't be watching so much cooking channel and salivating over the dishes. 2-3 weeks before my mom came over, I have been craving for crabs. See, a normal person would just go to any seafood restaurant, have the meal and be done with the craving, But me,no no no no. Lets just say that I enjoy it too much that some may find the way I eat crabs very gross. So when mom came over to KL, I dragged my mom to the market, bought the crabs and some salmon and after slaving for an hour in the kitchen, the result was oh-so-tempting

                                         

                                         My very own version of grilled soy honey salmon

                                         My sister's boring veggies

                                         Another of my sister's boring dishes

                                          And the star of the show, Mom's chili crabs

I think I ate too much that I need to get my cholesterol checked. Sigh, after you get to a certain age, after a hearty meal, you start to worry about how many calories you consumed, how much cholesterol, how much sugar. Gone were those good ol days where you get to enjoy those meals and not worry about a thing. Oh teenage years, how much I miss you.

Confessions of Girl with the Red Eye

I admit...


I listen to Taylor Swift

I don't comb my hair

I read blogs to make fun of people and have a good laugh

I don't think I deserve good things

I don't eat durians not because of the taste, but because of how much it stinks my mouth afterwards

I don't open Facebook not because of privacy but because someone chose to break my heart through Facebook a few years ago

I don't think Angelina Jolie is hot and I think Brad Pitt deserves better

I have two cool gadgets i have yet to fully explore (its been months)

I have a soft spot for disabled people especially children

I secretly want to migrate overseas

I sometimes doze off while sitting on the toilet during working hours

I don't really read the news but i glance through Yahoo! for quick updates

I am a pathetic people pleaser

I don't take a shower until late evening on lazy-lying-on-the-couch weekends

Hey Mr Spencer

Been so busy for the past few weeks. A lot of stuff happened but the most exciting of all....

Drum roll....
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That's my new baby Spencer. Johnny is now back home in Penang under the care of my mom. It was heartbreaking for me to leave Johnny in Penang but I'm glad that I didn't have to sell it. I can still see him whenever I go back to my hometown. I have been driving Johnny for about 8 years and Johnny and I have been through a lot together. Johnny was there when I was homeless for 3 weeks, driving fast emotionally when I was an emotional wreck, got me to my 1st job interview, got lost with me driving around KL on my way to the interview for my second job and basically just getting me everywhere safely for the past 8 years. You'll always have a special place in my heart dear Johnny.

The process of getting my new car would be a lot easier if it was done in KL but I didnt want a KL plate number so I went back to Penang for 3 weekends in a row to settle all the stuff.

Weekend 1: Visit dealer during Thaipusam and did booking. Next day, went to the bank for application. Next Tuesday, loan approved.

Weekend 2: Federal Territory Day, so I went back to Penang to sign the agreement and a letter of consent for my dad to pickup the car on my behalf.

Weekend 3: CNY. Send Johnny home and bring Spencer to KL.

I was so broke last month that I took LRT to work for a week. Was fun not having to drive for a week. Its amazing that I didn't have to take any annual leaves to settle the car stuff. Its a small car and it wouldn't be on the top of my list if i had a choice but i'm happy with it so far and most importantly, its fuel efficient and my road tax and insurance won't cost so much.

Well, that's that and I will be forking out 500 bucks a month for the next 7 years. Its not much compared to what others are paying but I still won't be making my payments willingly let alone with a smiley face.

Massages

After almost 3 months of countless unsatisfying massages, i finally went home after an acceptable massage last night and slept like a baby till noon. Its raining outside and all I want to do right now is curl up in my comforter and sleep but I cant do that coz I woke up at noon so i'm gonna blog about massages.

I love massages, not the hard ones that make you let out a silent scream while your face gets all wrinkled up, but the soft ones with aromatherapy oil and gentle strokes that makes you all relaxed and feel good. Through out the years, I've tested out a number of outlets and here's the summary of each. I'll start with the one from last night

1. Karabuning Boutique Spa (Bangsar Shopping Centre)

Honestly, I only went to this one yesterday coz its close to my work and the after work traffic was horrible. I called the place and asked if there was any empty slots so i can book an appointment. The receptionist is not as professional and kind as the other branches I have to say but I booked the appointment anyway. I arrived a bit late due to the horrendous traffic but they squeezed me in anyway. I was attended to by a masseuse named Pa. Shes quite good. Her techniques are somewhat different and way better than the other branch in Karabuning (Sunway Pyramid). The one in Sunway was not good as she was too soft and I think that she thinks that applying more pressure would break my bones. Anyway, there were moments where I was slightly uncomfortable because the pressure and technique was hard but like I said, it was acceptable. I would definitely go there again to avoid traffic.

2. Thai Odyssey

There are a lot of outlets for Thai Odyssey. The one I usually go to is the one in Empire Shopping Centre. I would always request for the same masseuse. She's my favorite  Shes the only one who can make me feel like my money is so worth it. I would also usually give her an extra tip as she always did a good job. Perfect pressure and perfect strokes and perfect technique makes me a happy girl. Shes now back in Thailand helping her parents with some house things hence the quest for other masseuse the past 3 months. She'll be back next month. Yeay!

Though most of the spa therapist from this outlet do a good job but I sure cant say the same for all the other outlets. I have tried the ones from One Utama, Midvalley and Bangsar Village but I would usually feel sore the next day. Even when you say that you're in pain, they wont listen and would continue doing what they were doing.

3. Jentayu Spa

Verdict: Not as great as it sounds. It was my sister's idea to try it out. I called and booked the 1 hour aromatherapy plus 1 1/2 hour cremebath. We arrived early as we weren't sure of the location and we were not really familiar with Publika and also coz its the "rule" that we have to arrive at least 15 mins early or they  delay your appointment time. We rang the bell hoping that we could at least wait inside. No one answered and we had to wait outside. With the weather scorching hot outside, we didn't really start off great. A girl who obviously just woke up from a nap opened the door and welcomed us. The place is really small, not a lot of moving space and from the way they gave us instructions, we had a feeling that the two therapists were the only ones that they have. We started our treatment with the massage. I did not like it at all! The pressure was really hard and I kept telling her to reduce it as I asked for aromatherapy and not traditional. Even after I told her to reduce the pressure, she kept going at her pace and telling me that because of all the "knots" she has to do it hard. All I can say is that she is an idiot. I did not pay 250 bucks for her not to abide by my wishes. The cremebath was so so. I am denifitely NOT going back there again.

4. Urban Retreat (The Curve)

One of the best so far. Almost all of their therapists do a good job. Not sure if its a one time thing but the last time I went, I was attended to by a malay therapist and it was not good. Just like the one in Jentayu, she didn't listen to the customer. Hopefully they will maintain their standard or I'll stop going there.

5. Arokaya (Sunway Pyramid)

Hmm..lets see. Some of them are okay and some are not. There was this once, i had this old lady as my therapist she did a wonderful job. Top 3 in my list for favorite foot massage. The aromatherapy massage is just okay. The best part of aromatherapy there is that they let you take a shower after the treatment so that you wont be all oily when you walk out of there.

6. Zouk Spa (Taipan Subang and Bangsar)

I used to go to Zouk Spa in Subang a lot. There's this one girl who is very good. The price isn't that bad either. But after that they got sloppy and the last massage i had there was terrible. So I am kind of terrified to go there again. Another thing I don't like there is the fact that the therapist likes to force you to get extra stuff like some stupid salt or ginger oil or some scrub.


7. Kak Lia (Kampung Pandan)

Hahahahah.. My colleague dragged me there one after work coz she wanted a massage. It was in a dodgy flat in Kampung Pandan which scared the hell out of me. The whole place was occupied by Indonesian workers. Honestly, I would not have gone there knowing the condition of the place. Not trying to be a brat or anything but it was scary. If I couldn't afford to go to a real spa, then I would just have asked my sister to massage me. There were a few families living in the same unit so we hurriedly went into Kak Lia's room. There was nothing magical about the massage, I have had better plus I don't really like talking when I am having my massage. Don't get me started on the hygiene of the place. So, I am also not going there again.

8. Angel Spa (Solaris)

A friend bought me a voucher for this place. Its so small that it doesn't even have a website but i went for the massage anyway. At that time the building was still under construction so it was kind of creepy. Finding the place was also not easy but I managed. The place is very nice actually. Great ambience, they have 4 different rooms with different themes. The massage was great. Just the right pressure and very relaxing. I just didn't like that the therapist kept talking to me. But all was forgiven coz she did a great job. :) I have not been there since coz its kind far from where I live plus I don't think I want to go through all the traffic just to get a massage.

Well, that's it. All the places I can remember. I am kind of broke now so I am going to refrain myself from going until I get my paycheck.

Envy

Every once in a while, you come across "friends" that can constantly talk about themselves and/or boast about expensive items that they purchased for a whole get-together session. Usually a get-together session lasts a minimum of 2 hours. I can tolerate a person giving me updates on their lives or stuff that i have missed if i have not seen them in a while but talking about yourself the whole time makes me a weary. Nodding and smiling as if i care takes up a lot of energy!

Exhibit A: 

"I just bought a new (insert name of imported car), it took a while for me to get it because of the metallic color I chose. Are you still using your old Satria? Not thinking of changing it eh?"

Exhibit B:

Out of nowhere..

Person X: "I'm sure you had a lot of fun in Melbourne last time huh".

Me: "It was alright. I got to travel with allowance provided by the company".

Person X: "Tu laa. I am planning to further my studies abroad to Aussie maybe next year. My mom and I are planning to go there to survey the universities end of this year".

Me: "Oooookay..". (Puzzled)

That was more than two years ago. I am no longer with the company that sent me to Melbourne and Person X is still very much in Malaysia and has not even traveled to Australia let alone survey the universities over there.

Exhibit C:

Person X: "Are you still working in Cyber?"

Me: "Ermm..no. I resigned last October. I'm working with (insert luxury automobile company name). I just started."

Person X: "Oh. I'm also no longer working in Cyber dah. Working with (insert public listed company name) now".

Me: "Okie...".

Person X: "By the way, do you mind me asking how much do you make in a month?" (So very inappropriate)

Me: "(Completely speechless)..Ermm..I make about so and so.. (Obviously not giving out accurate details)

Person X: "Oh. I make that much as well. I consider myself so lucky that my husband pays for all the bills, puts food on the table and even gives me pocket money. Though I did offer to help him out with some of the bills.."

Me: "Oh....." (The only syllable that came out of my mouth)

Exhibit D:

"I can soo catch up with her. She has no strength. Bukan nak cakap besar la but she has joined earlier than me but she can't do much. She's just flexible. I on the other hand can burn calories very fast and I am a lot stronger".

"Oh your skin tone is like my skin dah sekarang".

All of the above relates to the same person. Person X is always asking me why I always go missing and my answer will be same ol same ol "I'm just busy". There's a reason why I always try to avoid hanging out with her. Its just so very exhausting. You don't know me as well as you think you do but after 5 years I think you can guess that I couldn't care less about imported expensive cars or stylish phones or handbags. Its not like I have anything against them but at my current drawn salary, I know I can't afford those things, I prioritise accordingly and I am totally fine with it. I prefer to spend money on things that make me very happy like vacations and buying things from my never ending wishlist. I can tell you for sure that my list looks nothing like yours. I'll start browsing through catalogues of expensive items when my salary hits five or six figures. Not that I'm jealous or anything but the only reason you can afford the car is because your parents put large down payment for it. I love my Johnny and I wouldn't even think of changing it if not because of the location and traffic of my current work place. A manual car makes my knees all wobbly the moment I reach home everyday. Totally not cool.

I can't think of any other reason for all of the above behavior other than low self esteem and jealousy. I would love nothing but to tell you that there's nothing to be jealous about. I just can't do that coz I hate unnecessary confrontation.You have no idea what I have been through to be where I am today. Its a bumpy journey. Not just the bumps you get in dodgy roads in KL but like in a 4X4 ride in the woods. I feel very sorry for you that you feel the need to put other people down just so you can feel good about yourself. Its just very sad. My life isn't perfect. In fact its not perfect at all. I do get struck with envy whenever I see people accomplish things that I have not or have the things that I don't but I still don't feel the need to put other people down especially my friends because as bad as things may get, I believe in myself and I don't think I ever want to be anyone but myself. I just hope that you realize this one day coz I know I'm not the only one who feels this way about you. I am just one who nods and smiles at your comments coz you're a girl and I know you will not want to hear what I really want to say.

New

I changed the layout of this blog. Slightly less depressing than before I would say. Honestly, I'm not all bright and shiny on a daily basis. Hence, I'm gonna try something new here, i'll fake it till i make it.

I've always loved writing. It lets me express myself better. Not that i'm all so quiet to begin with, i can ramble on and on about everything but when it comes to feelings especially, i tend to freeze. That's how you can get me to shut up actually.

I recently come to notice that there are no documented memories of my life for the past 6 years. They're all in my tiny brain. I don't take a lot of pictures of myself and I publish vague posts of incidents happening in my life only every few months. When I grow old, wrinkly, losing my memory and trying to tell the story of my life to my grand kids, it would be helpful to have something to refer to. Hopefully this would motivate me to write in this blog more and more each day.

Short updates

• Tomorrow is my first day on the new job. I am really really nervous. Bismillah..
• I cancelled my trip to London due to the new job. Good news is that Fiq will be in London until July next year to pursue his ACCA. It'll give me some time to settle in my new company, convince my boss to let me take leave for the London trip and earn some more extra spending cash. 
• Planning to get a part time job to earn the extra cash as well. In the midst of getting an insurance certification so that i can be an insurance adviser.
• i made a very difficult decision that involves me hurting a person that i care about. i have to start thinking about my own future rather than worrying so much about how much i am hurting someone else.
• I finally logged on to my facebook and created a page for my business. Very difficult thing to do considering how much i hate facebook.

Choosing an outfit for my first day is so very irritating..Pfftt

Weight and Body (What else is new?!)

When I was in school, I could eat a whole large pizza by myself without any guilt or even putting on an ounce. Nowadays I cant even finish a slice without guilt hanging over my head. Of course, I am now 15 years older with decreasing metabolic rate and no longer marching around the school field 8 hours a day.

I miss those days when i can eat anything without worrying about my health or weight. Sigh..

I was at my best 3 years ago, I ate moderately, was doing capoeira twice a week, climbing 3 thrice a week and swimming on the weekends. I led an active and healthy lifestyle back then. I was not skinny, but I had lean muscles and I was strong. Also, the depression helped the losing weight process. Muahahahah. Once I started working on my first job, I started to sway away from that lifestyle. The shift hours and workload were taking a toll on my body especially when I worked the morning shifts. None the less, I tried hard to attend capoeira classes after work, I even left the office hurriedly, drove like a maniac and to be able to only attend second half of the class every Friday.

Ever since I started my second job, I haven't gone to any capoeira classes, I climbed in PCP like once or twice in the past year and to make things worse, the place I'm currently living at has no swimming pool. Super awesome huh. It also doesn't help that stress from work makes me munch like all the time and giving me back pain  The pain was so bad that in July I stayed home from work for a week. I then decided to have an MRI, thankfully its nothing serious, just degenerated discs.The doctor asked me to do some back exercises and not to sit in one position too long.

Ever since my appendectomy last October, I haven't done any exercise at all until two days ago. I went for a run in the park with my dad. Unfortunately I can't run on the road, it hurts my ankles and knees. I can only run on the grass. Oh my super old and super gedik body! Pffttt

As much as I tried to avoid it, I am now taking meal replacements twice a day. I'm not trying to take any shortcut to lose weight and get back into shape. Its just that when I have the meal replacements, I am more disciplined. I don't have to think bout what i wanna eat or cook and plus I am eating more veggies coz I put carrots and other stuff in the blender! My grocery list is growing shorter with the meal replacements which is a really good thing coz I always end up with a trolley when I do my shopping at Jaya Grocer.

Am planning another run in the park tomorrow. I wish myself the best of luck -__-

Annoying daughter

Short conversation with my mom 2 days ago

Me: Mummy, can i borrow some money? You have lots of it, can i have 10% pls pwetty pls? (totally joking, i do that to my mom everyday to annoy her)

Mom: You and your sister should really start saving your money and stop buying crap. Whats gonna happen when you wanna get married? How to pay for your wedding?? Takkan me and your daddy have to pay for everything??

Me: Ermm...noooo...i didn't say thaaat..

Mom: Ya laa..you think its cheap to plan for a wedding these days..

Me: Of course not. Coz im soo not planning to have a big wedding. Buat dekat masjid cukup. Just our family, future husband, durrah and the tok kadi enough laa kan.

Mom: Isk this girl! if your daddy and i are gonna pay for the reception, you still have to buy all the hantaran and stuff..(i started rolling my eyes already)

Me: Again..nooooo, not even planning to have a reception, just nikah only. How to have reception if during the nikah, the tok kadi says, aku nikahkan engkau dengan mas kahwinnya RM22.95 HUTANG! hahahahahahahahahhahahahahhaha

Mom stared at me speechlessly for a few seconds and walked away feeling very much annoyed.. :D

Kusut

that's the only word i can think of to describe how i feel these past few months. i look so haggard. messy hair, "couldn't care less" outfits, stuffing my face with food, no exercise, cant fit into my clothes, knee and back pain, expressionless face sick of hearing "bila nak kawin? jangan tunggu lama-lama, nanti expired!"..all i wanted to say to them was fuck you! mind your own bloody business! like really??!! no sane person wants to end up alone,let alone be miserable for the rest of their lives. do you honestly think 80% of the spinsters out there willingly chose to be that way?? like the old cliched saying amongst the elders in my family, choosing a husband is not like picking out fish from the market, if you later decide that you don't like the fish, you can always not cook it or throw it out,cant really do that with marriage can you? am i not allowed to pick the person im about to spend the rest of my life with wisely? i don't really care if the person is rich or handsome or what. as long as he looks attractive to my eyes, has a stable job, can endure my mood swings and can make me smile, im in! it doesn't take much to make me happy. if im cranky, feed me food. if im crying, let be there for me. for two eids in a row, my dad asked me about the person im involved with when i asked for forgiveness. telling me not to wait too long. im not trying to drive you mad daddy, im just not too sure bout the guy myself. my parents are getting too attached to him. asking bout him all the time, asking me to be involved in even the smallest things in his life, buying him stuff from overseas, they're trying to be supportive but little did they know that they're pushing me towards the edge with every mention of his name. i constantly am struggling to keep myself at the office. everyday, i think of many reasons to stay home when my alarm rings. when i get to the office, ill think of more urgent reasons to go home immediately or i tell myself ill pretend to be sick and take 1/2 a sick day off. im also constantly struggling to keep myself from surrendering my resignation letter before i secure another job. no matter how hard i try or how much i do, its never enough. if i had one wish, i wish that you had better daughter, someone to make you proud, doesnt waste her potentials, isnt so hard headed, feisty or opinionated, someone successful, a devout muslim, not so socially retarded or afraid to be committed and can someone who wouldve given you beautiful grandchildren by now.

2012

Another new year. Am I excited? Not so sure.

Personal checklist

A stable job - checked

A career -

A new car -

Open water scuba diving license - checked

Advanced scuba diving license -

A husband and beautiful kids -

Buy a house -

Shooting range - March 2012

Spend a day at the orphanage - February 2012

Euro trip -

Business revamp -

Mount Kinabalu -

Run a marathon -

Ok. I have a long way to go. Sigh

pointless

the more i try to run away, the more i miss you

leaning on my pillow

the air is calm

i can hardly hear nothing but the sound of the ceiling fan spinning slowly.

you've walked out on me not once but twice before. you're back and you're trying your best but why do i feel so empty? why do i feel so alone and so hurt when i see happiness in everyone else?

do you deserve my love and forgiveness? i dont know..

do i deserve the way you treat me now despite what you've done before? i really dont know..

i wish i had the answers

i wish i could answer these questions with a magic 8-ball

you asked me if i felt the same way

i told you i wasnt sure

you said that i should know

sorry baby i'm not as certain as other girls are

you looked confused..i dont blame you

you were not brought up the way i was

maybe all we had in the past was all a facade

to mask my deeply wounded heart

Random typing

I can almost feel the cholesterol from all the santan clogging my arteries. Darn all the delicious Eid food.

Sometimes i feel overwhelmed with work, studies, my almost dying business that got back on track due to Eid, family and friends that want nothing more than just a few hours of my time every once in while. I barely have time to myself. I can be a pain in the ass clean freak whenever the obsessiveness kicks in (which is very frequently I must say) but whenever I feel overwhelmed with everything, I just let everything go. I let the clean unfolded laundry sit in the guest bedroom and my overstuffed closet look like its just been hit by tornado. I refuse to empty the dustbin in my room even though its overflowing. I sleep even if my hair was still wet, I could not be bothered to tweeze my eyebrows or shave my legs. Thank God for pantyhose.

My uncle was diagnosed with stage 4 lung cancer, my stupid relatives implied that I was never going to get married and I found out one of my close friend was getting engaged all on the same day. All that information were too hard to digest in 24 hours.

Raya

Once again, its raya. To be honest, I have fully taken advantage of the holiness of Ramadhan. I tried in the beginning but work and making brownies got the best out of me. At 27, raya has a whole new meaning as compared to when I was 7. As a child, raya meant money, money, money and sometimes food to me. The whole idea of getting up early, slipping into a new (sometimes old) baju kurung, eating rendang and collecting green packets from the elders and playing with my cousins were all so exciting that it made it hard for me to fall asleep the night before.

During college years, my raya celebrations were difficult. I only went back to my parents’ like a day before eid and asking for forgiveness was excruciating as I watched the frustrated looks on my parents faces. At this time, I couldn’t be bothered with the green packets anymore though some of my relatives insisted that I take it anyway. Questions from my nosy relatives began to irritate the poop out of me.

Example 1. Boyfriend mana?takkan tak bawak mai?

Example 2. Gemuknya..makan beras apa ni?

Example 3. Bila nak abis belajar? Nak kerja kat mana nanti? Exam dapat GPA brapa? Anak uncle memang pandai,dia dapat so so and so..(its usually a lie)

Example 4. Bila nak kawin ni? Umur dah brapa..takkan nak tunggu beruban..

As years passed by, I began to despise raya more and more. It’s not actually raya that I hate. It’s just that when its raya, people tend to take advantage by visiting your home, asking for forgiveness and only to get on your nerves the very same way right after that. I also started to loathe raya songs. Its either its too happy (happy people irritate me) or its too sad (I have enough sadness in my life, don’t need to be reminded of it).

These days, my eid is slightly more peaceful. I would finish my brownies orders, go shopping at subang parade for baju raya for my mom, dad and brother then fly back to penang to see my parents. I no longer have to go back to Kelantan to see my dad’s side of the family. Only 3-4 or my mom’s siblings would come over to our house and I have my sister to answer their questions on my behalf. hahaha. I would usually fly back to kl on the 3rd day of eid. So yeah, my eid is better though it does not fit other people’s definition of raya.

Happy eid. I sincerely apologize if I have offended anyone in any way. I’m sorry if I forgot to reply any texts or return any calls. I have not gone missing again ( Believe me I’m trying very hard), I’m just occupied with a lot of things. I barely have time to finish watching a movie in one go. I’m sorry if I have cursed too much.

Selamat hari raya. Maaf zahir dan batin.

--

say you want to kiss me again
i know you don't long for it

say it left a microscopic mark on your heart
i know you don't mean it

say you miss me when im not around
i know you don't even notice

say you love me darlin'
i know you don't feel it

promised me meaningless maybes baby
i know that you regret it

Blissful year end

Took me a while to get to the second post huh. The best part of 2010. here it goes

I went to one utama after work on 16th November 2010. I was walking around looking for things to buy on my attempt to reduce my anxiety level. My phone rang and it was a number I didn’t recognize. I picked up the phone and it was somebody from Human Resource department. The line was not so clear so I tried hard to recall the most recent applications I sent through jobstreet. They wanted me to come in for an interview so I immediately said yes though I didn’t even hear the company name properly. At one point I thought it was Airasia based on the pronunciation of the officer. I finally managed to know the company’s name after receiving the confirmation email. To be honest, I didn’t put much hope into that application. I didn’t prepare for the interview and I was less than enthused.

23 November 2010. My sister’s birthday actually. I got away from work by taking an MC. Technically I did not go to the clinic to get the MC. I just rang up the office informing them I was unwell and will be calling in later to give them the MC details. I dumbly left the house at 1.30 pm though I had no idea where the office was. My interview was at 2.30 pm. I thought I could be Schumacher and swiftly get to my destination before 2.30 without taking the traffic condition into consideration. The traffic was pretty bad and started to panic. I confidently slithered my way around to avoid the traffic only to find myself in Cheras. In a place I am so unfamiliar with and they don’t have many signboards! I desperately drove with one hand with the other punching the keypads on my phone to get assistance from GPS. I almost gave up. I was about to head home and cry to my pillow when I decided to just pop by the office and beg on my knees for another interview from HR. As I was anxiously waiting for one of the traffic lights in front of KLCC to turn green, the HR guy called asking me where I was and he even tried to give me some directions. I was so relieved and nervously drove as fast as I could to the AIA building. The sweet HR guy didn’t even comment on my being late. He just told me that I had less time for my tests and evaluation. I wasn’t too bothered. The tests were easy for me and I took less than 40 minutes to complete all of it.

I waited a while for the department manager to get on with me interview. It was a petite Malay guy in his 30s. During the first 10 minutes of the interview, I didn’t think it went so well. He looked bored as I was babbling nonsense about myself and he was flipping though my resume. Things only got interesting when he started to ask me about my working experience. If I were him, I wouldn’t be too impressed with my ONE year working experience. I guess being person with fake confidence and a slightly above average proficiency in English has its perks. I convinced him that I could do the job despite the fact that I had no knowledge or experience in insurance. None. Zilch. Zero. Nada. I did my best to assure him that I’m a very fast learner and that I have had experience in process migration before. Best question was why I demanded the amount that I had entered for my basic salary. In my response, I remember clearly that I uttered gibberish on my first few sentences. I stopped for a few seconds, smiled and said I was earning this much on my current job though it was including allowances and would not want to earn any less coz no one should go back a step. People should move forward. He laughed and accepted my answer. Just before I got up he said he would call me with an answer, I nodded and said that I hope he would seriously consider me. He sort of continued asking why he should hire me, I gave him all sorts of funny answers. Haha. And then……he said ok. He offered me a job on the spot!! I had to refrain myself from jumping up and down in front of him. He asked me to get a medical checkup and come back to collect my offer letter. In my head I was like”YESS!! Now I can tender my resignation !!!”

Well, that’s not the best part yet. So I used the same old excuse to get away from work the next day. I went to the clinic, got my medical checkup and dropped by the office to get my offer letter. On my way to the other clinic (to get my fake MC), I got a call from Syam who was the guy who interviewed me. He asked me whether I had left the office and I said yes. He asked me whether I would be willing to start immediately. I paused and told him that I would be glad to but I would not want to pay my current company one month salary. He told me not to worry about it as the company is willing to take care of it. He said that he would like me to start as they were sending selected candidates to Melbourne for knowledge transfer and he has selected me to get on board. I let out a silent scream of disbelief! Bear in mind that I was driving at that point of time. I almost hit the brakes at the middle of the highway so I stopped the car to continue the conversation. He told me that I would be flying off to Melbourne that very Saturday. I pinched myself many many times till my skin peeled to make sure I wasn’t dreaming. I immediately called my mom to break the news. Sis picked up the phone and her response was “Bodo laa..”.

I was overjoyed. I haven’t felt that happy in a long time. I went home, typed a resignation letter and went straight to Cyber. All the assistant managers including shorty were having a meeting. I could not wait so I went over to them and handed my resignation letter directly to shorty. Everyone was stunned and didn’t say a word for a few minutes. The silence broke when Yamuna started laughing. Shorty called me into a room and asked me why I’m leaving in such a hurry. I didn’t want to leave on bad terms to I just said its due to my studies. He told me off the records that he’s happy for me and he has not seen me smile like that in a while. Although I was happy that I got the job, I was still sad that I would be leaving my awesome colleagues. I didn’t get to see most of them since it was already 6 and the morning shifters already left.

I woke up early the next day as I had to go to the immigration office. They gave me a lot of crap or my issuance due to my being born overseas. Long story short,
1. Went to the Immigration office in Subang Airport. Was told I needed my mom’s passport from 1984! Ridiculous since I have a Malaysian IC right.
2. Dragged my mom to the commissioner of oath to sign some letters.
3. Back to the IO. Was told I needed the original copy of my birth cert. Wasn’t told that during the initial visit in the morning.
4. Drove to Putrajaya to extract my birth cert.
5. Back to IO. Was told it wasn’t going to be ready that day. Stupid arseholes. Called my boss, told him the situation and he said it would be okay to bring the passport the next day. When I asked for receipt thingy, they had already completed the issuance. Haih…misleading information. All the above events happened in one day.

Went for a bit of shopping on Friday, packed my stuff and off I went to Melbourne on Saturday night.

So that’s how my 2010 ended. Pretty awesome I must say. During my one month all expenses paid stay in Melbourne, all the shit that happened in 2010 felt worthwhile.

November part 1

Where do I begin.. My November started off like any other month. I was getting very restless at work. Every time I opened the resignation list, I couldn’t help but feel very insecure and had given up hope of getting a job somewhere else. The phrase “I’m gonna die here in this company” kept irking the hell out of me. My wonderful colleagues kept me going. If it weren’t because of them I would’ve gone home with a migraine each day for the past 1 year.

My sister decided to go back to our hometown to clear her head during the first week of November. I was home alone. One morning at around 5.45 am I received a call from my dad. He calmly asked whether I was up and whether I was planning to come home any time soon. I was drowsy and very confused. He then broke the news that my mom had collapsed, had a series of seizures and had been taken to the emergency room. I was speechless for a few minutes. He assured me that my mom did not have s stroke and the doctors were about to do some tests for precaution. I wanted to go fly back to penang immediately but my dad told me not to worry. I went to work anyway. When my boss arrived at 7, I told her that I needed some days off to go back to my hometown. I was frantically browsing the airlines websites for the earliest flight with no luck. MAS and Firefly didn’t have any early flights that day and Airasia was stupid enough to ask me to go to the counter to check. I rang up elle to take me there but she was somewhere else. So san took me to lcct instead. When I got to the counter, the stupid ass airasia told me that they have sold out. San took me to the bus terminal in kl. I took the 3 pm bus and arrived in penang at about 7 something. On the way there my sister told me that the tests turned out ok. The only thing they failed to inform me was that my mom was not herself. I almost fainted when I saw my mom coz she didn’t even recognize me. It took a while for me to calm down.

Alhamdulillah, she was back to herself the next morning. She was transferred from the ICU to the normal ward. She was weak and her memory was not so great but at least she could recognize all of us. The doctor told us that it was due to the dangerously low level of sodium in her blood, high cholesterol and also her UTI. To the people who were amazingly supportive during that point of time, I thank you all very much from the bottom of my heart.

Well that the not so great part of my year end. The great part will be on the next post

Eidul Adha & shopping madness!

My screwed up office management decided to "let" me be on holiday on Eidul Adha despite the fact that I didnt apply for the leave. So I decided, what the hell right. One day away from my awful, heartless, annoying, ear piercing and lame ass bosses. My sister was still away in Penang so I was home alone. Check out my Raya dishes It looks pathetic right. I should be at home eating rendang, roti jala, chicken curry and spending time with my family. Whatever. At least my muffins turned out okay. I don't know what came over me these past three months. I have been shopping like I never had before. Of course I didn't have the money before I started earning on my own but still, I'm not usually like this. I have tried so hard not to feel guilty for those purchases. Its not like I have a large outstanding or paying monthly interest on my credit card but I guess I can't help the guilt. The wave of guilt usually comes when I bump into elderly people working in departmental stores or riding a bicycle with a huge load of stuff to deliver somewhere. No matter how hard I remind myself that I work very hard for each penny I earn, the guilt would still pay a visit every once in a while. I guess its due to my upbringing. These are some of the stuff I bought. Some of them don't cost much but accumulated, they still have an impact on my account balance.

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Tears, boyfriends and movies

A friend once said, the odds of me crying during a movie is very slim. To be honest, I used to be a crybaby when I was a kid. Movies, yelling and physical pain could easily trigger my tear ducts. As I grew older, I did everything I could to toughen up. It worked as to not making me cry physically but I did still feel sad inside. Then I went to college, after my first boyfriend broke my heart, I couldn't stop crying. I'm not proud of those times. I was weak, clingy, naive and sad to say, I was stupid. Come to think of it, my first boyfriend and I went through a lot of unnecessary drama during the short period of time that we were together. Some memories would make me smile, some would make me laugh in embarrassment and some would just make me hide in my closet. He and I did not speak for five years after we broke up and I honestly never in my mind thought that I would ever be at peace with him. We aren't close friends these days but if it weren't for him, I would be a totally different person today. He thought me how to let myself trust someone, love someone and be happy. Though things did not end well with us, I still am thankful for the wonderful memories that he has given me.

I'm going rather off track here. Well, that story ends there. After the second breakup, I cried insanely for a few days and stopped. I did not let myself feel the pain. That and the awful blowup in the relationship with my parents just did the trick. 25 years worth of issues ballooned up tight but steady was poked by a tiny pin of misleading information. I lived like an orphan for three months without communicating with my parents. At that time, I stayed away from almost everyone except for occasional phone calls to my bestfriend Durrah and my brother Hafiz. I have had issues with my parents all my life but that dreadful period was the most emotionally torturing one. It was then that my brain and heart stopped communicating. I couldnt feel anything. I was numb when I did things I enjoyed, I laughed at inappropriate events and my mind was empty most of the time.

Suffice it to say, crying ratio between then and now is 8:1. Furthermore, I could not find any movies that could make me cry. I tried to watch all the sappy movies that was suggested to me. My bestfriend even asked me to watch some video about a dying kid on youtube to make me cry. That and nothing else worked. One fine day, as I was reading a movie review by a local critic, I came across a title that the critic deemed one of the best Islamic/humanity themed movie that he has ever seen. Its called The Color Of Paradise. I was intrigued. Googled it up and took me about a day and a half to download the movie. I was so busy at that time that the only free time I had to watch movies was before I went to bed. With the laptop on my tummy, I fell asleep 5 minutes after the movie started for 3 days in a row. I put off watching the movie until my weekend. I watched the movie alone in my room. To my surprise, 15 minutes later I was reaching out for the kleenex. The movie touched my heart and soul like no movie ever did before. I called my bestfriend a few days after that and she was in awe. But before that, she was rather critical about it and asked whether I was having a mood swing or whether I was on PMS.pffftt.

So there, a movie that finally made me cry. I don't know why I took the long cut to tell this story.

Coffee

I got home feeling more jaded than I usually do.

Took a quick shower, glanced through my email hopelessly anticipating some good news.

No good news for me today. Oh well, I kind of got used to it.

My brains were so empty I had no idea what to watch in tvshack or what to surf about.

Easy solution: Yahoo!

No, I dont read the news religiously nor do I even have any of the related links saved in my favourites.

So yes, Yahoo! was the best transparent solution I could think of.

I came across this http://shine.yahoo.com/channel/food/im-sick-of-being-discriminated-against-for-not-drinking-coffee-2397767/

The moment I finished reading the article, I couldnt help but think,"Dude, you and i should swap!".

I'm sick of people asking me," whats that odd looking fluid you have in your bottle?"

I'm sick of being told," you know what caffeine does to your brain..."

I'm sick of refraining myself from strangling the people who say "you dont need to drink coffee,it's all in the mind.."

In conclusion, I'm sick for being discriminated for actually drinking coffee..

random ramblings

i kept telling myself to start writing again and to actually come up with something of substance. too bad i dont actually think whining is even remotely close to having a decent amount of substance in a blog post. since my writing inspirations come during the oddest of times(like seriously, once it came when i was desprately trying to get my big fat bum to cooperate with my body to do a backflip),i am just going to list down some random thoughts

1. miley cyrus is getting slutty.hahaha.im not exactly up to date about the latest trends or music but the last time i saw her on tv, she was telling oprah on how she dresses according to her own style and how she acknowledges that kids see her as some sort of icon. now she looks like a combination of britney and kelly osbourne.

2. i was in my clean freak mode when i washed my keys with anti bacterial soap. dont ask me why i did it.

3. i found out about the sosilawati's story a bit late. i actually heard about it when i was shopping for my mom's baju raya. the sales girl was talking to her friend about it. this doesnt make me look too good does it? :P . i feel sorry for her and her family. nobody deserves to die tragically like that. being rich and famous has its downside. my very own moral of the story : do not silent your handphone for no reason.

4. my latest craze : vanilla beans. i have been searching high and low for them. i finally found them at bangsar shopping centre. i bought "a" vanilla bean for a friggin 9 bucks. please note the a in inverted commas.

5. kids and babies used to hate the sight of me. my ex-roommate's niece once cried, (no, she screamed on top of her lungs actually) at the sight of me. i guess my aura or something changed over the years. kids and babies actually like me now. on an unrelated note, my cousin's super cute 4 months old baby puked on my dad's car last week coz i was playing the airplane game with him after feeding time.

6. mac/apple is making tons of money out of technology dummies who purchased their items because its the current "in thing". for the record, i have nothing against their products. i just think that it is absurd for people who use their laptop for facebook, ym and google to spend 6000 for a macbook just because it looks cool when they can actually get a basic laptop for less than 2000. if you can actually fully utilise all the functions, then by all means go get yourself one. but if u cant, save yourself the extra 4000. then again, its your money, do whatever you want with it.

7. i dont wear leggings coz i have fat legs.

8. i am claustrophobic, atychiphobic, coulrophobic & glossophobic.

9. i no longer find megan fox hot. she looked unattractively chinese-opera-like in her new photos.

10. the florida's pastor's attempt for fame is just wrong on so many different levels. if he is a true man of faith, he wouldnt have even thought of destroying another religion's holy text.

Alone

10th July 2010, 11.35 pm

I'm sitting alone in my room with my face covered with some mask thingy and I'm planning to go to sleep once I take that crap off.

Its another miserable birthday and I cant wait to get it over with.

I would love to blame fate for whatever things that did not go well over the years but deep inside my heart I know that it isn't true. I deserve everything that has happened to me.

I used to be a religious person who followed all the “guidelines” and did my prayers 5 times a day.

All that changed 4 years ago when I hit rock bottom and I started to compare fate with other people. Allah tests the faith of His creations with different circumstances and unfortunately I have failed with flying colors.

I could not get through the hurdle in one piece and more devastatingly, my once solid faith slowly melted and evaporated into thin air.

Hence, I'm paying my dues by not getting the job that I so desperately want, being pushed away by the people that I really care about and not be able to find someone who loves me unconditionally.

Maybe I deserve being alone on my birthday.

Maybe I deserve not being loved.

Maybe I deserve tears of sadness instead of tears of joy.

I wish I could fly away to a place far away from here

I wish..

I wish I had more hours in a day

I wish I had more energy

I wish I didn't need any alone time

I wish I was superwoman

Juggling between work, family, friends, capoeira, climbing and myself is exhausting.sigh..

ignorance is bliss??

Ignorance is not bliss if it meant you kicking yourself out of bed at 5 am just to find out you're on leave 3 hours after you started work. Here I am at home at 3 pm straining my eyelids so i won't doze off after a heavy greasy lunch. This blows. On my way home just now I was contemplating to do a number of things but I abandoned all of them by the thought of my lovely pillows. I was about to suffocate my soft pillows with a big embrace when the sound of my climbing buddy's voice making fun of my figure paid an irritating visit to my head. Urgh. Never take your body for granted, not a minute, even if you're fucking drained after 12 hours of work. You need to work out to maintain your energy level and metabolism. Lesson learned.
Next month resolution
-swim, capoeira & climb. all of the above at least once a week.
-stop doing overtime work.
-start eating healthier food. no, i'm not gonna eat salad. just smaller portions and less greasy.
-start driving like a civilized person and stop annoying people with the high beam every morning.
-stop spending money on unnecessary stuff, start spending money wisely & stop whining about the lacking of money
-finish reading the novel.
-spare more time for friends.
-stop irritating my family members. nah..i take that back. i can never stop doing that. its my entertainment

2 hours until my climbing date with my annoying friends and i have nothing to do. maybe i should clean again..

What did i forget?

It was 7.02 am. I remember this clearly because I was a tad late that morning. Even 2 minutes is still considered late right? I looked at the clock/ calendar on my computer and I had a feeling I forgot something. Halfway done with my morning coffee and I still couldn’t figure out what it was. It was such a blur morning. I kept turning to my neighbor asking him “what day is it today?” hoping his answer would give me some clue on what I had forgotten. Instead the answer I got was “why are you so stoned today” accompanied with a sarcastic laugh. That serves me right though since I have always been sarcastic with other people. I had no idea why but after my lunch break I was convinced that it was my best friend’s birthday. Bear in mind, her birthday is in January okay. I was beating myself up for forgetting her birthday until something hit me, her birthday is a day earlier than my other friend’s birthday and her birth date has 2 digits. And…the nagging feeling continues. It wasn’t until the next day that I figured out what it was, Syaza Nadrah’s birthday. That little girl turned 24 last 6^th January.

My dearest Momon,

I have not been a good friend to you for a while. I’ve been distant and cold towards almost everyone. I’m not good with confrontation but I'm not hoping this post will make up for anything. You’re a wonderful person and your unique traits make you different from the others. Your hyper-ness helps others burn more calories when they’re around you. The beauty you have within you reflects on the outside as well. You glow when you're happy. I might not have left ay footprints in your heart but u sure have in mine. You are one of the few girl friends that I really care about. I’m sorry I have neglected to return tweets, messages or calls. I have been away from the social circle for a while. You’re the bestest friend a girl could ever ask for. You’ve been there for me during some tough times and I sure did have a great time with you. I just don’t know how to show appreciation towards other people, especially the ones that I do care about. I hope you had a blast on your birthday. I’m sorry I didn’t wish you earlier. This is just my way of telling you that I really didn’t forget your birthday J.I kept putting it off until today which is my off day. Happy belated 24th Birthday Syaza Nadrah. May you have a superb & blessed year ahead.

New Year

Looking back, a year ago I was lying in bed shivering and aching to my very bones with heartache as a side dish. Everything came at once. I remember praying to Allah asking for forgiveness for whatever sins I’ve committed for I believe that you get what you give. Maybe the severe sickness and pain was what I deserved for the wrongdoings throughout my life. During that particular point of time, I wrestled with annoying tiny voices in my head telling me that I was never going to get through it. I wanted so badly to split my brains open and tattoo the phrase “when a door closes, another opens” on my memory cells. At the risk of jinxing my own fate, ill admit that I have healed. Maybe not completely and I may only have 2/3 sanity compared to an average person but I can boldly say that I’m a different person than I was year ago. It is often said that transitions are difficult but no one (at least in my case) ever told me it was going to be this agonizing. Just when I was about to be at ease at my current stage, I come face-to-face with another breed of transition. It might sound petty as compared to changes other people face in their daily lives but I drained out a year’s worth of tears just by the thought of it. We can’t go back in time nor can we stop it so the best that we can do is to move forward. Moving on is a good thing but sometimes I cant help but reminisce the good old days I had with the people I love or used to love. I long to reach out to them, to tell them that I do care. I’m just clueless on how to actually do it and most importantly I’m not confident that I can actually maintain it. I might just run and disappear one fine day. So until I find a way to overcome my intimacy issues I think its best if I just stay away . The New Year has opened my eyes to the reality of something that I have overlooked all these while which is my parent’s mortality. I may have realized this before but I have been denying it out of fear. Age has changed them in many ways and wisdom has granted them peace with their own mortality but I have yet to step up to that level. The very thought of losing them has me curled up sobbing in my blanket. They and my siblings are the only definition of family that I could comprehend; them and nobody else. Realization is the first step in order for me to change for the better, no? It’s late and it’s cliché but despite my regular bitterness I would like to wish everyone a good year ahead. Enough said..

contented

Right this moment, I am fairly content with my life. Being me, I know that this feeling would not last long but I will give my all to savor it. Do not be mistaken, my life isn’t perfect. It just isn’t as dysfunctional as it always is. I’m getting the hang of tuning out things that might have a negative impact in my life although it’s only remotely connected to me. I have not been a good friend to a lot of people lately. I’m so deeply sorry for my disappearance. I’m trying my best. I beg you to give me some space. Let me breathe. Its not that I don’t want you in my life, I just don’t feel like sharing my sorrow with the whole world. To Nur Durrah Ismail and Hafiz Nawawi, I can’t thank you enough for being there for me when I needed you. Capoeira and climbing saved my soul. I’m not going to elaborate on how they did, they just did. Aiman and Fiza, I miss you guys.

21/10/09

my day

• work. ash purposely looked for a reason/chance to make me talk to the cute guy :) got some good news from HR. not gonna jinx it. keeping my fingers crossed till friday the payday :)
  
• drove 55 km back home with eyes half closed.
• forgot to collect cordless phone from stupid stmyx. changed destination. headed to tmpoint damansara.
  
• craved for cupcakes. the curve. rained heavily the moment i entered the carpark. wandered around aimlessly like a zombie. did some shopping. found an aromatherapy massage parlor. stiff shoulder so got me a half body massage. damn it was good. bought the cupcakes and mcd for dinner.
• wanted so badly to just sit back, relax, watch a movie whilst enjoying my meal but i accidentally spilled the damn drink near my sub woofer and plug. sigh. then....jiji decided to test my patience by refusing to display anything on the monitor. gave up for a while. scarfed up my cheeseburger within seconds. 4 attempts later and finally jiji forgave me for considering to replace her.
  
• forgot to bring up the damn cordless up so had to go down and get it from my car. sigh
• finally got to enjoy my cupcake. okay. didnt really enjoy or savor it. i scarfed it up too.
  
• wanted to make brownies but the damn gas tank decided to be empty on this very day. stashed the semi chopped nuts back into the cabinet.
• felt guilty for eating comfort food with a ton of fat, grease, cholesterol,.....so i put on my bathing suit and went downstairs to swim. pancit nak mampos. haven't been doing much cardio lately. just climbing.
• a very nice shower. prepared all my stuff for tomorrow and here i am..about to doze off. goodnite
  

classical tunes

mode : floating on air with classical tunes

listening to Vivaldi, Mozart and Beethoven

the soothing tunes never fail to comfort me

every time i listen to them, i am amazed at how the tunes excel to tell a story, a tale or express an emotion without a single word. at least thats how i feel. my music knowledge is very limited, yeah i know.

masterpieces

why?

i'm a social retard.

i'm aware that i am.

i go on silent mode when they try to get close.

i wont let them see the vulnerable side of me.

i vanish without notice.

i push people away until they hate me.

i wont let them know who i am.

because once they do, they'll leave..