Envy

Every once in a while, you come across "friends" that can constantly talk about themselves and/or boast about expensive items that they purchased for a whole get-together session. Usually a get-together session lasts a minimum of 2 hours. I can tolerate a person giving me updates on their lives or stuff that i have missed if i have not seen them in a while but talking about yourself the whole time makes me a weary. Nodding and smiling as if i care takes up a lot of energy!

Exhibit A: 

"I just bought a new (insert name of imported car), it took a while for me to get it because of the metallic color I chose. Are you still using your old Satria? Not thinking of changing it eh?"

Exhibit B:

Out of nowhere..

Person X: "I'm sure you had a lot of fun in Melbourne last time huh".

Me: "It was alright. I got to travel with allowance provided by the company".

Person X: "Tu laa. I am planning to further my studies abroad to Aussie maybe next year. My mom and I are planning to go there to survey the universities end of this year".

Me: "Oooookay..". (Puzzled)

That was more than two years ago. I am no longer with the company that sent me to Melbourne and Person X is still very much in Malaysia and has not even traveled to Australia let alone survey the universities over there.

Exhibit C:

Person X: "Are you still working in Cyber?"

Me: "Ermm..no. I resigned last October. I'm working with (insert luxury automobile company name). I just started."

Person X: "Oh. I'm also no longer working in Cyber dah. Working with (insert public listed company name) now".

Me: "Okie...".

Person X: "By the way, do you mind me asking how much do you make in a month?" (So very inappropriate)

Me: "(Completely speechless)..Ermm..I make about so and so.. (Obviously not giving out accurate details)

Person X: "Oh. I make that much as well. I consider myself so lucky that my husband pays for all the bills, puts food on the table and even gives me pocket money. Though I did offer to help him out with some of the bills.."

Me: "Oh....." (The only syllable that came out of my mouth)

Exhibit D:

"I can soo catch up with her. She has no strength. Bukan nak cakap besar la but she has joined earlier than me but she can't do much. She's just flexible. I on the other hand can burn calories very fast and I am a lot stronger".

"Oh your skin tone is like my skin dah sekarang".

All of the above relates to the same person. Person X is always asking me why I always go missing and my answer will be same ol same ol "I'm just busy". There's a reason why I always try to avoid hanging out with her. Its just so very exhausting. You don't know me as well as you think you do but after 5 years I think you can guess that I couldn't care less about imported expensive cars or stylish phones or handbags. Its not like I have anything against them but at my current drawn salary, I know I can't afford those things, I prioritise accordingly and I am totally fine with it. I prefer to spend money on things that make me very happy like vacations and buying things from my never ending wishlist. I can tell you for sure that my list looks nothing like yours. I'll start browsing through catalogues of expensive items when my salary hits five or six figures. Not that I'm jealous or anything but the only reason you can afford the car is because your parents put large down payment for it. I love my Johnny and I wouldn't even think of changing it if not because of the location and traffic of my current work place. A manual car makes my knees all wobbly the moment I reach home everyday. Totally not cool.

I can't think of any other reason for all of the above behavior other than low self esteem and jealousy. I would love nothing but to tell you that there's nothing to be jealous about. I just can't do that coz I hate unnecessary confrontation.You have no idea what I have been through to be where I am today. Its a bumpy journey. Not just the bumps you get in dodgy roads in KL but like in a 4X4 ride in the woods. I feel very sorry for you that you feel the need to put other people down just so you can feel good about yourself. Its just very sad. My life isn't perfect. In fact its not perfect at all. I do get struck with envy whenever I see people accomplish things that I have not or have the things that I don't but I still don't feel the need to put other people down especially my friends because as bad as things may get, I believe in myself and I don't think I ever want to be anyone but myself. I just hope that you realize this one day coz I know I'm not the only one who feels this way about you. I am just one who nods and smiles at your comments coz you're a girl and I know you will not want to hear what I really want to say.