Kusut

that's the only word i can think of to describe how i feel these past few months. i look so haggard. messy hair, "couldn't care less" outfits, stuffing my face with food, no exercise, cant fit into my clothes, knee and back pain, expressionless face sick of hearing "bila nak kawin? jangan tunggu lama-lama, nanti expired!"..all i wanted to say to them was fuck you! mind your own bloody business! like really??!! no sane person wants to end up alone,let alone be miserable for the rest of their lives. do you honestly think 80% of the spinsters out there willingly chose to be that way?? like the old cliched saying amongst the elders in my family, choosing a husband is not like picking out fish from the market, if you later decide that you don't like the fish, you can always not cook it or throw it out,cant really do that with marriage can you? am i not allowed to pick the person im about to spend the rest of my life with wisely? i don't really care if the person is rich or handsome or what. as long as he looks attractive to my eyes, has a stable job, can endure my mood swings and can make me smile, im in! it doesn't take much to make me happy. if im cranky, feed me food. if im crying, let be there for me. for two eids in a row, my dad asked me about the person im involved with when i asked for forgiveness. telling me not to wait too long. im not trying to drive you mad daddy, im just not too sure bout the guy myself. my parents are getting too attached to him. asking bout him all the time, asking me to be involved in even the smallest things in his life, buying him stuff from overseas, they're trying to be supportive but little did they know that they're pushing me towards the edge with every mention of his name. i constantly am struggling to keep myself at the office. everyday, i think of many reasons to stay home when my alarm rings. when i get to the office, ill think of more urgent reasons to go home immediately or i tell myself ill pretend to be sick and take 1/2 a sick day off. im also constantly struggling to keep myself from surrendering my resignation letter before i secure another job. no matter how hard i try or how much i do, its never enough. if i had one wish, i wish that you had better daughter, someone to make you proud, doesnt waste her potentials, isnt so hard headed, feisty or opinionated, someone successful, a devout muslim, not so socially retarded or afraid to be committed and can someone who wouldve given you beautiful grandchildren by now.