This is a long overdue post. It was written a few days before hari raya but I didn’t have the heart to post it then.
Late yesterday evening, mother sent me on a mission to buy some groceries from the nearby supermarket. As it was already approaching iftar, I fastened my pace and hysterically searched all over the store for the required goods as I didn’t want to be the subject of my mother's wrath. I was frustrated as I couldn’t find anything my mother asked for. Not wanting to go home empty handed, I rummaged through the canned goods and grabbed some fruity stuff I thought my mother would like. As I walked towards the cashier, my eyes caught a glimpse of red Brylcream. My heart sank. I was almost instantly reminded of my late grandfather who passed away almost 3 months ago on the 9th July 2008, a day before my 24th birthday. The memory of him made my eyes watery even though I wasn’t all that close to him. I had a soft spot for him. When he was alive, he did try his best to be fair to his total of 40 something grandchildren and great grandchildren; unlike my grandmother. I never blamed him for our lack of closeness or communication. I was the only grandchild born overseas so my grandparents didnt have the chance to pamper or take care of me at all. My parents were and still are my sole caretakers. Sometimes I wish I had the grandfather/mother-granddaughter bond as my sister has with them. Though I had very few acquaintances with him, his death still felt like a huge loss to me. I cannot stop rewinding the little memory I have of my Bapaktok. Sadly, the Brylcream was one of the fondest memories I have of him. I used to buy him the red Brylcream as a token of appreciation every time I went back for my break (or at least every time I noticed that he was running out of it). I can still remember the wide huge smile he had on his face as I handed him the little souvenir. That minute gesture would be displayed proudly in the glass cabinet. It saddens me that I cannot even remember the last time I saw him. I began visiting him less and less due to the family conflicts these past 2 years. His Alzheimer’s disease was taking a toll on his memory. He would ask me “ila cuti berapa lama?”.I would answer and repeat the answer patiently for another 7-8 times as he would ask me the same question over and over again. When I got the call from my sister at 2 am informing me that he had deceased, I was a bit numb and speechless. The news took me by surprise because my grandmother has been the sicker one compared to him. Somewhere between my numbness and speechlessness, I remember feeling relieved. Of course I was not glad that he died. It’s just that I was relieved that he can now rest peacefully without having to listen to his children bickering and fighting over his very small fortune. I went straight to the cemetery as soon as I arrived in Penang. As I stared at his grave, my tears started to fall uncontrollably. Deep inside, I felt a little strange since I didn’t know I cared that much. I secretly always thought that deaths of members of my extended family wouldn’t have any effect on me. Truthfully, I didn’t know whether I was sad due to his passing or was I just looking for a public excuse to grieve. Maybe it was both because I recalled feeling sad at the graveyard as images of him ran accross my mind; though my aunts were bickering nearby. At that moment, I assured myself that I wasn’t wrong when I felt relieved and comforted by the thought of his passing as he has now gone to a better place. My grandfather was a noble and religious man despite these values are not being reflected in his children. Alhamdulillah, he passed away without much suffering. I was told that he acted a little strange a week before his death. Everyday he would sit at my grandmother’s bedside telling her that he's dying soon and strange enough,he did that with a smile on his face. A few days ago, my cousin gave my mother a picture him sitting my my grandma's bed and it confirmed the stories, he was in fact smiling a few days before his death. On the day itself, 9th July 2008, he complained that he wasn’t feeling so well to his son and when he started coughing blood, they took him to the hospital. Even with his condition then, he got dressed decently without anyone’s help before going to the hospital .He said goodbye to my grandmother as if nothing was going to happen to him. He passed on after less than two hours being admitted to the ICU. No one was there by his side. If Allah SWT prolongs my stay on earth, my upcoming birthdays would always remind me of my dear grandfather. Rest in peace Bapaktok. Al-Fatihah
