November part 1

Where do I begin.. My November started off like any other month. I was getting very restless at work. Every time I opened the resignation list, I couldn’t help but feel very insecure and had given up hope of getting a job somewhere else. The phrase “I’m gonna die here in this company” kept irking the hell out of me. My wonderful colleagues kept me going. If it weren’t because of them I would’ve gone home with a migraine each day for the past 1 year.

My sister decided to go back to our hometown to clear her head during the first week of November. I was home alone. One morning at around 5.45 am I received a call from my dad. He calmly asked whether I was up and whether I was planning to come home any time soon. I was drowsy and very confused. He then broke the news that my mom had collapsed, had a series of seizures and had been taken to the emergency room. I was speechless for a few minutes. He assured me that my mom did not have s stroke and the doctors were about to do some tests for precaution. I wanted to go fly back to penang immediately but my dad told me not to worry. I went to work anyway. When my boss arrived at 7, I told her that I needed some days off to go back to my hometown. I was frantically browsing the airlines websites for the earliest flight with no luck. MAS and Firefly didn’t have any early flights that day and Airasia was stupid enough to ask me to go to the counter to check. I rang up elle to take me there but she was somewhere else. So san took me to lcct instead. When I got to the counter, the stupid ass airasia told me that they have sold out. San took me to the bus terminal in kl. I took the 3 pm bus and arrived in penang at about 7 something. On the way there my sister told me that the tests turned out ok. The only thing they failed to inform me was that my mom was not herself. I almost fainted when I saw my mom coz she didn’t even recognize me. It took a while for me to calm down.

Alhamdulillah, she was back to herself the next morning. She was transferred from the ICU to the normal ward. She was weak and her memory was not so great but at least she could recognize all of us. The doctor told us that it was due to the dangerously low level of sodium in her blood, high cholesterol and also her UTI. To the people who were amazingly supportive during that point of time, I thank you all very much from the bottom of my heart.

Well that the not so great part of my year end. The great part will be on the next post

Eidul Adha & shopping madness!

My screwed up office management decided to "let" me be on holiday on Eidul Adha despite the fact that I didnt apply for the leave. So I decided, what the hell right. One day away from my awful, heartless, annoying, ear piercing and lame ass bosses. My sister was still away in Penang so I was home alone. Check out my Raya dishes It looks pathetic right. I should be at home eating rendang, roti jala, chicken curry and spending time with my family. Whatever. At least my muffins turned out okay. I don't know what came over me these past three months. I have been shopping like I never had before. Of course I didn't have the money before I started earning on my own but still, I'm not usually like this. I have tried so hard not to feel guilty for those purchases. Its not like I have a large outstanding or paying monthly interest on my credit card but I guess I can't help the guilt. The wave of guilt usually comes when I bump into elderly people working in departmental stores or riding a bicycle with a huge load of stuff to deliver somewhere. No matter how hard I remind myself that I work very hard for each penny I earn, the guilt would still pay a visit every once in a while. I guess its due to my upbringing. These are some of the stuff I bought. Some of them don't cost much but accumulated, they still have an impact on my account balance.

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Tears, boyfriends and movies

A friend once said, the odds of me crying during a movie is very slim. To be honest, I used to be a crybaby when I was a kid. Movies, yelling and physical pain could easily trigger my tear ducts. As I grew older, I did everything I could to toughen up. It worked as to not making me cry physically but I did still feel sad inside. Then I went to college, after my first boyfriend broke my heart, I couldn't stop crying. I'm not proud of those times. I was weak, clingy, naive and sad to say, I was stupid. Come to think of it, my first boyfriend and I went through a lot of unnecessary drama during the short period of time that we were together. Some memories would make me smile, some would make me laugh in embarrassment and some would just make me hide in my closet. He and I did not speak for five years after we broke up and I honestly never in my mind thought that I would ever be at peace with him. We aren't close friends these days but if it weren't for him, I would be a totally different person today. He thought me how to let myself trust someone, love someone and be happy. Though things did not end well with us, I still am thankful for the wonderful memories that he has given me.

I'm going rather off track here. Well, that story ends there. After the second breakup, I cried insanely for a few days and stopped. I did not let myself feel the pain. That and the awful blowup in the relationship with my parents just did the trick. 25 years worth of issues ballooned up tight but steady was poked by a tiny pin of misleading information. I lived like an orphan for three months without communicating with my parents. At that time, I stayed away from almost everyone except for occasional phone calls to my bestfriend Durrah and my brother Hafiz. I have had issues with my parents all my life but that dreadful period was the most emotionally torturing one. It was then that my brain and heart stopped communicating. I couldnt feel anything. I was numb when I did things I enjoyed, I laughed at inappropriate events and my mind was empty most of the time.

Suffice it to say, crying ratio between then and now is 8:1. Furthermore, I could not find any movies that could make me cry. I tried to watch all the sappy movies that was suggested to me. My bestfriend even asked me to watch some video about a dying kid on youtube to make me cry. That and nothing else worked. One fine day, as I was reading a movie review by a local critic, I came across a title that the critic deemed one of the best Islamic/humanity themed movie that he has ever seen. Its called The Color Of Paradise. I was intrigued. Googled it up and took me about a day and a half to download the movie. I was so busy at that time that the only free time I had to watch movies was before I went to bed. With the laptop on my tummy, I fell asleep 5 minutes after the movie started for 3 days in a row. I put off watching the movie until my weekend. I watched the movie alone in my room. To my surprise, 15 minutes later I was reaching out for the kleenex. The movie touched my heart and soul like no movie ever did before. I called my bestfriend a few days after that and she was in awe. But before that, she was rather critical about it and asked whether I was having a mood swing or whether I was on PMS.pffftt.

So there, a movie that finally made me cry. I don't know why I took the long cut to tell this story.

Coffee

I got home feeling more jaded than I usually do.

Took a quick shower, glanced through my email hopelessly anticipating some good news.

No good news for me today. Oh well, I kind of got used to it.

My brains were so empty I had no idea what to watch in tvshack or what to surf about.

Easy solution: Yahoo!

No, I dont read the news religiously nor do I even have any of the related links saved in my favourites.

So yes, Yahoo! was the best transparent solution I could think of.

I came across this http://shine.yahoo.com/channel/food/im-sick-of-being-discriminated-against-for-not-drinking-coffee-2397767/

The moment I finished reading the article, I couldnt help but think,"Dude, you and i should swap!".

I'm sick of people asking me," whats that odd looking fluid you have in your bottle?"

I'm sick of being told," you know what caffeine does to your brain..."

I'm sick of refraining myself from strangling the people who say "you dont need to drink coffee,it's all in the mind.."

In conclusion, I'm sick for being discriminated for actually drinking coffee..

random ramblings

i kept telling myself to start writing again and to actually come up with something of substance. too bad i dont actually think whining is even remotely close to having a decent amount of substance in a blog post. since my writing inspirations come during the oddest of times(like seriously, once it came when i was desprately trying to get my big fat bum to cooperate with my body to do a backflip),i am just going to list down some random thoughts

1. miley cyrus is getting slutty.hahaha.im not exactly up to date about the latest trends or music but the last time i saw her on tv, she was telling oprah on how she dresses according to her own style and how she acknowledges that kids see her as some sort of icon. now she looks like a combination of britney and kelly osbourne.

2. i was in my clean freak mode when i washed my keys with anti bacterial soap. dont ask me why i did it.

3. i found out about the sosilawati's story a bit late. i actually heard about it when i was shopping for my mom's baju raya. the sales girl was talking to her friend about it. this doesnt make me look too good does it? :P . i feel sorry for her and her family. nobody deserves to die tragically like that. being rich and famous has its downside. my very own moral of the story : do not silent your handphone for no reason.

4. my latest craze : vanilla beans. i have been searching high and low for them. i finally found them at bangsar shopping centre. i bought "a" vanilla bean for a friggin 9 bucks. please note the a in inverted commas.

5. kids and babies used to hate the sight of me. my ex-roommate's niece once cried, (no, she screamed on top of her lungs actually) at the sight of me. i guess my aura or something changed over the years. kids and babies actually like me now. on an unrelated note, my cousin's super cute 4 months old baby puked on my dad's car last week coz i was playing the airplane game with him after feeding time.

6. mac/apple is making tons of money out of technology dummies who purchased their items because its the current "in thing". for the record, i have nothing against their products. i just think that it is absurd for people who use their laptop for facebook, ym and google to spend 6000 for a macbook just because it looks cool when they can actually get a basic laptop for less than 2000. if you can actually fully utilise all the functions, then by all means go get yourself one. but if u cant, save yourself the extra 4000. then again, its your money, do whatever you want with it.

7. i dont wear leggings coz i have fat legs.

8. i am claustrophobic, atychiphobic, coulrophobic & glossophobic.

9. i no longer find megan fox hot. she looked unattractively chinese-opera-like in her new photos.

10. the florida's pastor's attempt for fame is just wrong on so many different levels. if he is a true man of faith, he wouldnt have even thought of destroying another religion's holy text.

Alone

10th July 2010, 11.35 pm

I'm sitting alone in my room with my face covered with some mask thingy and I'm planning to go to sleep once I take that crap off.

Its another miserable birthday and I cant wait to get it over with.

I would love to blame fate for whatever things that did not go well over the years but deep inside my heart I know that it isn't true. I deserve everything that has happened to me.

I used to be a religious person who followed all the “guidelines” and did my prayers 5 times a day.

All that changed 4 years ago when I hit rock bottom and I started to compare fate with other people. Allah tests the faith of His creations with different circumstances and unfortunately I have failed with flying colors.

I could not get through the hurdle in one piece and more devastatingly, my once solid faith slowly melted and evaporated into thin air.

Hence, I'm paying my dues by not getting the job that I so desperately want, being pushed away by the people that I really care about and not be able to find someone who loves me unconditionally.

Maybe I deserve being alone on my birthday.

Maybe I deserve not being loved.

Maybe I deserve tears of sadness instead of tears of joy.

I wish I could fly away to a place far away from here

I wish..

I wish I had more hours in a day

I wish I had more energy

I wish I didn't need any alone time

I wish I was superwoman

Juggling between work, family, friends, capoeira, climbing and myself is exhausting.sigh..

ignorance is bliss??

Ignorance is not bliss if it meant you kicking yourself out of bed at 5 am just to find out you're on leave 3 hours after you started work. Here I am at home at 3 pm straining my eyelids so i won't doze off after a heavy greasy lunch. This blows. On my way home just now I was contemplating to do a number of things but I abandoned all of them by the thought of my lovely pillows. I was about to suffocate my soft pillows with a big embrace when the sound of my climbing buddy's voice making fun of my figure paid an irritating visit to my head. Urgh. Never take your body for granted, not a minute, even if you're fucking drained after 12 hours of work. You need to work out to maintain your energy level and metabolism. Lesson learned.
Next month resolution
-swim, capoeira & climb. all of the above at least once a week.
-stop doing overtime work.
-start eating healthier food. no, i'm not gonna eat salad. just smaller portions and less greasy.
-start driving like a civilized person and stop annoying people with the high beam every morning.
-stop spending money on unnecessary stuff, start spending money wisely & stop whining about the lacking of money
-finish reading the novel.
-spare more time for friends.
-stop irritating my family members. nah..i take that back. i can never stop doing that. its my entertainment

2 hours until my climbing date with my annoying friends and i have nothing to do. maybe i should clean again..

What did i forget?

It was 7.02 am. I remember this clearly because I was a tad late that morning. Even 2 minutes is still considered late right? I looked at the clock/ calendar on my computer and I had a feeling I forgot something. Halfway done with my morning coffee and I still couldn’t figure out what it was. It was such a blur morning. I kept turning to my neighbor asking him “what day is it today?” hoping his answer would give me some clue on what I had forgotten. Instead the answer I got was “why are you so stoned today” accompanied with a sarcastic laugh. That serves me right though since I have always been sarcastic with other people. I had no idea why but after my lunch break I was convinced that it was my best friend’s birthday. Bear in mind, her birthday is in January okay. I was beating myself up for forgetting her birthday until something hit me, her birthday is a day earlier than my other friend’s birthday and her birth date has 2 digits. And…the nagging feeling continues. It wasn’t until the next day that I figured out what it was, Syaza Nadrah’s birthday. That little girl turned 24 last 6^th January.

My dearest Momon,

I have not been a good friend to you for a while. I’ve been distant and cold towards almost everyone. I’m not good with confrontation but I'm not hoping this post will make up for anything. You’re a wonderful person and your unique traits make you different from the others. Your hyper-ness helps others burn more calories when they’re around you. The beauty you have within you reflects on the outside as well. You glow when you're happy. I might not have left ay footprints in your heart but u sure have in mine. You are one of the few girl friends that I really care about. I’m sorry I have neglected to return tweets, messages or calls. I have been away from the social circle for a while. You’re the bestest friend a girl could ever ask for. You’ve been there for me during some tough times and I sure did have a great time with you. I just don’t know how to show appreciation towards other people, especially the ones that I do care about. I hope you had a blast on your birthday. I’m sorry I didn’t wish you earlier. This is just my way of telling you that I really didn’t forget your birthday J.I kept putting it off until today which is my off day. Happy belated 24th Birthday Syaza Nadrah. May you have a superb & blessed year ahead.

New Year

Looking back, a year ago I was lying in bed shivering and aching to my very bones with heartache as a side dish. Everything came at once. I remember praying to Allah asking for forgiveness for whatever sins I’ve committed for I believe that you get what you give. Maybe the severe sickness and pain was what I deserved for the wrongdoings throughout my life. During that particular point of time, I wrestled with annoying tiny voices in my head telling me that I was never going to get through it. I wanted so badly to split my brains open and tattoo the phrase “when a door closes, another opens” on my memory cells. At the risk of jinxing my own fate, ill admit that I have healed. Maybe not completely and I may only have 2/3 sanity compared to an average person but I can boldly say that I’m a different person than I was year ago. It is often said that transitions are difficult but no one (at least in my case) ever told me it was going to be this agonizing. Just when I was about to be at ease at my current stage, I come face-to-face with another breed of transition. It might sound petty as compared to changes other people face in their daily lives but I drained out a year’s worth of tears just by the thought of it. We can’t go back in time nor can we stop it so the best that we can do is to move forward. Moving on is a good thing but sometimes I cant help but reminisce the good old days I had with the people I love or used to love. I long to reach out to them, to tell them that I do care. I’m just clueless on how to actually do it and most importantly I’m not confident that I can actually maintain it. I might just run and disappear one fine day. So until I find a way to overcome my intimacy issues I think its best if I just stay away . The New Year has opened my eyes to the reality of something that I have overlooked all these while which is my parent’s mortality. I may have realized this before but I have been denying it out of fear. Age has changed them in many ways and wisdom has granted them peace with their own mortality but I have yet to step up to that level. The very thought of losing them has me curled up sobbing in my blanket. They and my siblings are the only definition of family that I could comprehend; them and nobody else. Realization is the first step in order for me to change for the better, no? It’s late and it’s cliché but despite my regular bitterness I would like to wish everyone a good year ahead. Enough said..

contented

Right this moment, I am fairly content with my life. Being me, I know that this feeling would not last long but I will give my all to savor it. Do not be mistaken, my life isn’t perfect. It just isn’t as dysfunctional as it always is. I’m getting the hang of tuning out things that might have a negative impact in my life although it’s only remotely connected to me. I have not been a good friend to a lot of people lately. I’m so deeply sorry for my disappearance. I’m trying my best. I beg you to give me some space. Let me breathe. Its not that I don’t want you in my life, I just don’t feel like sharing my sorrow with the whole world. To Nur Durrah Ismail and Hafiz Nawawi, I can’t thank you enough for being there for me when I needed you. Capoeira and climbing saved my soul. I’m not going to elaborate on how they did, they just did. Aiman and Fiza, I miss you guys.

21/10/09

my day

• work. ash purposely looked for a reason/chance to make me talk to the cute guy :) got some good news from HR. not gonna jinx it. keeping my fingers crossed till friday the payday :)
  
• drove 55 km back home with eyes half closed.
• forgot to collect cordless phone from stupid stmyx. changed destination. headed to tmpoint damansara.
  
• craved for cupcakes. the curve. rained heavily the moment i entered the carpark. wandered around aimlessly like a zombie. did some shopping. found an aromatherapy massage parlor. stiff shoulder so got me a half body massage. damn it was good. bought the cupcakes and mcd for dinner.
• wanted so badly to just sit back, relax, watch a movie whilst enjoying my meal but i accidentally spilled the damn drink near my sub woofer and plug. sigh. then....jiji decided to test my patience by refusing to display anything on the monitor. gave up for a while. scarfed up my cheeseburger within seconds. 4 attempts later and finally jiji forgave me for considering to replace her.
  
• forgot to bring up the damn cordless up so had to go down and get it from my car. sigh
• finally got to enjoy my cupcake. okay. didnt really enjoy or savor it. i scarfed it up too.
  
• wanted to make brownies but the damn gas tank decided to be empty on this very day. stashed the semi chopped nuts back into the cabinet.
• felt guilty for eating comfort food with a ton of fat, grease, cholesterol,.....so i put on my bathing suit and went downstairs to swim. pancit nak mampos. haven't been doing much cardio lately. just climbing.
• a very nice shower. prepared all my stuff for tomorrow and here i am..about to doze off. goodnite
  

classical tunes

mode : floating on air with classical tunes

listening to Vivaldi, Mozart and Beethoven

the soothing tunes never fail to comfort me

every time i listen to them, i am amazed at how the tunes excel to tell a story, a tale or express an emotion without a single word. at least thats how i feel. my music knowledge is very limited, yeah i know.

masterpieces

why?

i'm a social retard.

i'm aware that i am.

i go on silent mode when they try to get close.

i wont let them see the vulnerable side of me.

i vanish without notice.

i push people away until they hate me.

i wont let them know who i am.

because once they do, they'll leave..

sayang

Datanglah kepada aku sayang
Bawalah ruang hati mu
Bawalah panggilan cintaku
Bawalah rimbunan dingin untuk aku berteduh

Jangan pernah tinggalkan aku sayang
Ada lagi aku di sini kerana kamu
Berdiri aku bertopangkan ketagihan genggaman kecilmu
Selamanya aku berhutang kesuburan sifatku sama wujudmu

Senyumlah sayang
Nikmatilah kehidupan jahil itu
Ianya jauh lebih baik dari yang nyata
Jangan khuatir sayang, kau tidak rugi apa apa..

ice cream moustache

i saw a 3 year old girl near a McDonald's ice cream stand

she was happily licking her green-striped ice cream cone

she caught me smiling at her 'ice cream-moustached' face

she laughed sheepishly and hid behind her mother's legs

after a few seconds, she came out from behind her mother,

she saw me again and she laughed heartily

she tried to wipe the ice cream off her face while still laughing & looking at me

i guess she knew i was smiling at her ice cream covered face

something about her sincere laugh made me smile the whole day..

ironi

ironi
kau masih belum sedar
karma sedang menadah air matamu
mencurah cuka pada luka hatimu

ironi
kau masih gigih meneguk kasih
dari telaga bebal yang tak mampu lagi menangis
nyaris kering dihirup egomu

ironi
dungu yang dipijak kejam berulang kali
masih buta realiti
diikat jampi kasih palsumu

projectile vomit

dr kata, "writing is therapeutic, you should try it". aku hanya senyum paksa padanya. aku jawab "yeah sure, ill try". minggu lepas aku hantar sms pada bestfren "she was so wrong. haha. CLEANING is therapeutic" :)

lately everywhere you go, there'll be raya tunes ringing your ear drums. i'm not a big fan. (please dont spam my blog with comments telling me how to appreciate raya) i have nothing against aidilfitri, mind you. i love spending raya with my parents & siblings. them and only them

i hate
-being expected to buy new glamorous stuff for the sake of raya
-faking kindness when people i despise make unexpected visits
-slaving in the kitchen preparing meals for people i hate
-pretending to slave in the kitchen to avoid having conversations with people i hate
-being forced to make visits to the homes of the people i hate
-people asking my mother, why is your daughter so comot? why isn't she wearing clothes with glittering stuff on them? why doesn't she have any makeup on?
-people asking my mother about MY personal life


aku tak sempurna. aku teruskan hidup tapi aku tak mudah lupa. aku menonton dari suatu sudut. aku senyum sinis. gerakan sudah tidak seiring. terpijak, tersadung, tersembam.


aku perfectionist. parut sebesar semut di hujung kaki bisa memetik rasa jijik. don't get me wrong, i love myself, wouldn't want to be anyone else. ini cuma kelemahan aku. tapi aku tahu, parut itu takkan hilang, takkan ada ubat, takkan ada surgery yang boleh memadamkannya.


the wall i've built is for you. its not there to protect me. the sole purpose of its being is to protect you from me..

1st day of Ramadhan

woke up at 5 for sahur. makan kfc's original burger sambil mata separuh tertutup. had my coffee and performed my prayers before going back to sleep. the combination of my strong coffee and my meds made me very dizzy. made me a bit high kot. haha. i wanted to go back to sleep so badly but i couldn't. tomorrow morning i'm planning to make a very mild coffee for sahur. just enough caffeine to get me through the day. got sick of forcing myself to sleep so i woke up. got a text from elle saying she was already at camp5. took a quick shower, got dressed and headed to one utama. climbing on my 1st day of fasting :) just wanted to improve my technique, sweat a bit and take my mind off food, thats all. my right arm was aching like hell till i had to ask the front desk for analgesic balm. i stopped at around 4. i was already worn out. went to pick up my sis at home and headed for bangsar's bazaar. nothing much there i gotta say. got home, took a long relaxing shower and after that it was already time for iftar. halfway through my meal, i was already full. couldn't eat much. nearly fell asleep but managed to stay awake after a cup of coffee. i'm proud of myself for being able to stay awake to even type this post. mengantuk & letih. contemplating whether i should train capoeira tomorrow. a bit malas nak train pon ada. no axe. suddenly craving for cheesecake. tapi nanti kalau beli tak habis pulak. hmm...

Sesi soal jawab

Orang tanya kenapa aku selalu merayau sendiri
Aku jawab aku selesa sendirian

Orang tanya lagi, kenapa?
Aku jawab aku suka melayan perasaan dan jelik berkata-kata jika terpaksa

Orang kata aku loser
Aku jawab, suka hati aku lah

Orang kata kasihan sama aku
Aku jawab, mengapa perlu kasihan? aku pilih untuk sendirian

Orang kata, telefon lah andai mahu kemana-mana
Aku jawab, kira aku inginkan teman, akan aku khabarkan

Orang kata aku jarang sekali melontar senyuman
Aku jawab, aku senyum bila aku hendak. aku bukan miss universe yang perlu senyum pada semua

Orang kata aku memilih
Aku jawab, kau tidak tahu cerita sebenarnya

Orang kata aku sombong, susah nak dekat
Aku jawab, kalau kau pembunuh bersiri, bagaimana?