ignorance is bliss??

Ignorance is not bliss if it meant you kicking yourself out of bed at 5 am just to find out you're on leave 3 hours after you started work. Here I am at home at 3 pm straining my eyelids so i won't doze off after a heavy greasy lunch. This blows. On my way home just now I was contemplating to do a number of things but I abandoned all of them by the thought of my lovely pillows. I was about to suffocate my soft pillows with a big embrace when the sound of my climbing buddy's voice making fun of my figure paid an irritating visit to my head. Urgh. Never take your body for granted, not a minute, even if you're fucking drained after 12 hours of work. You need to work out to maintain your energy level and metabolism. Lesson learned.
Next month resolution
-swim, capoeira & climb. all of the above at least once a week.
-stop doing overtime work.
-start eating healthier food. no, i'm not gonna eat salad. just smaller portions and less greasy.
-start driving like a civilized person and stop annoying people with the high beam every morning.
-stop spending money on unnecessary stuff, start spending money wisely & stop whining about the lacking of money
-finish reading the novel.
-spare more time for friends.
-stop irritating my family members. nah..i take that back. i can never stop doing that. its my entertainment

2 hours until my climbing date with my annoying friends and i have nothing to do. maybe i should clean again..

What did i forget?

It was 7.02 am. I remember this clearly because I was a tad late that morning. Even 2 minutes is still considered late right? I looked at the clock/ calendar on my computer and I had a feeling I forgot something. Halfway done with my morning coffee and I still couldn’t figure out what it was. It was such a blur morning. I kept turning to my neighbor asking him “what day is it today?” hoping his answer would give me some clue on what I had forgotten. Instead the answer I got was “why are you so stoned today” accompanied with a sarcastic laugh. That serves me right though since I have always been sarcastic with other people. I had no idea why but after my lunch break I was convinced that it was my best friend’s birthday. Bear in mind, her birthday is in January okay. I was beating myself up for forgetting her birthday until something hit me, her birthday is a day earlier than my other friend’s birthday and her birth date has 2 digits. And…the nagging feeling continues. It wasn’t until the next day that I figured out what it was, Syaza Nadrah’s birthday. That little girl turned 24 last 6^th January.

My dearest Momon,

I have not been a good friend to you for a while. I’ve been distant and cold towards almost everyone. I’m not good with confrontation but I'm not hoping this post will make up for anything. You’re a wonderful person and your unique traits make you different from the others. Your hyper-ness helps others burn more calories when they’re around you. The beauty you have within you reflects on the outside as well. You glow when you're happy. I might not have left ay footprints in your heart but u sure have in mine. You are one of the few girl friends that I really care about. I’m sorry I have neglected to return tweets, messages or calls. I have been away from the social circle for a while. You’re the bestest friend a girl could ever ask for. You’ve been there for me during some tough times and I sure did have a great time with you. I just don’t know how to show appreciation towards other people, especially the ones that I do care about. I hope you had a blast on your birthday. I’m sorry I didn’t wish you earlier. This is just my way of telling you that I really didn’t forget your birthday J.I kept putting it off until today which is my off day. Happy belated 24th Birthday Syaza Nadrah. May you have a superb & blessed year ahead.

New Year

Looking back, a year ago I was lying in bed shivering and aching to my very bones with heartache as a side dish. Everything came at once. I remember praying to Allah asking for forgiveness for whatever sins I’ve committed for I believe that you get what you give. Maybe the severe sickness and pain was what I deserved for the wrongdoings throughout my life. During that particular point of time, I wrestled with annoying tiny voices in my head telling me that I was never going to get through it. I wanted so badly to split my brains open and tattoo the phrase “when a door closes, another opens” on my memory cells. At the risk of jinxing my own fate, ill admit that I have healed. Maybe not completely and I may only have 2/3 sanity compared to an average person but I can boldly say that I’m a different person than I was year ago. It is often said that transitions are difficult but no one (at least in my case) ever told me it was going to be this agonizing. Just when I was about to be at ease at my current stage, I come face-to-face with another breed of transition. It might sound petty as compared to changes other people face in their daily lives but I drained out a year’s worth of tears just by the thought of it. We can’t go back in time nor can we stop it so the best that we can do is to move forward. Moving on is a good thing but sometimes I cant help but reminisce the good old days I had with the people I love or used to love. I long to reach out to them, to tell them that I do care. I’m just clueless on how to actually do it and most importantly I’m not confident that I can actually maintain it. I might just run and disappear one fine day. So until I find a way to overcome my intimacy issues I think its best if I just stay away . The New Year has opened my eyes to the reality of something that I have overlooked all these while which is my parent’s mortality. I may have realized this before but I have been denying it out of fear. Age has changed them in many ways and wisdom has granted them peace with their own mortality but I have yet to step up to that level. The very thought of losing them has me curled up sobbing in my blanket. They and my siblings are the only definition of family that I could comprehend; them and nobody else. Realization is the first step in order for me to change for the better, no? It’s late and it’s cliché but despite my regular bitterness I would like to wish everyone a good year ahead. Enough said..

contented

Right this moment, I am fairly content with my life. Being me, I know that this feeling would not last long but I will give my all to savor it. Do not be mistaken, my life isn’t perfect. It just isn’t as dysfunctional as it always is. I’m getting the hang of tuning out things that might have a negative impact in my life although it’s only remotely connected to me. I have not been a good friend to a lot of people lately. I’m so deeply sorry for my disappearance. I’m trying my best. I beg you to give me some space. Let me breathe. Its not that I don’t want you in my life, I just don’t feel like sharing my sorrow with the whole world. To Nur Durrah Ismail and Hafiz Nawawi, I can’t thank you enough for being there for me when I needed you. Capoeira and climbing saved my soul. I’m not going to elaborate on how they did, they just did. Aiman and Fiza, I miss you guys.

21/10/09

my day

• work. ash purposely looked for a reason/chance to make me talk to the cute guy :) got some good news from HR. not gonna jinx it. keeping my fingers crossed till friday the payday :)
  
• drove 55 km back home with eyes half closed.
• forgot to collect cordless phone from stupid stmyx. changed destination. headed to tmpoint damansara.
  
• craved for cupcakes. the curve. rained heavily the moment i entered the carpark. wandered around aimlessly like a zombie. did some shopping. found an aromatherapy massage parlor. stiff shoulder so got me a half body massage. damn it was good. bought the cupcakes and mcd for dinner.
• wanted so badly to just sit back, relax, watch a movie whilst enjoying my meal but i accidentally spilled the damn drink near my sub woofer and plug. sigh. then....jiji decided to test my patience by refusing to display anything on the monitor. gave up for a while. scarfed up my cheeseburger within seconds. 4 attempts later and finally jiji forgave me for considering to replace her.
  
• forgot to bring up the damn cordless up so had to go down and get it from my car. sigh
• finally got to enjoy my cupcake. okay. didnt really enjoy or savor it. i scarfed it up too.
  
• wanted to make brownies but the damn gas tank decided to be empty on this very day. stashed the semi chopped nuts back into the cabinet.
• felt guilty for eating comfort food with a ton of fat, grease, cholesterol,.....so i put on my bathing suit and went downstairs to swim. pancit nak mampos. haven't been doing much cardio lately. just climbing.
• a very nice shower. prepared all my stuff for tomorrow and here i am..about to doze off. goodnite
  

classical tunes

mode : floating on air with classical tunes

listening to Vivaldi, Mozart and Beethoven

the soothing tunes never fail to comfort me

every time i listen to them, i am amazed at how the tunes excel to tell a story, a tale or express an emotion without a single word. at least thats how i feel. my music knowledge is very limited, yeah i know.

masterpieces

why?

i'm a social retard.

i'm aware that i am.

i go on silent mode when they try to get close.

i wont let them see the vulnerable side of me.

i vanish without notice.

i push people away until they hate me.

i wont let them know who i am.

because once they do, they'll leave..

sayang

Datanglah kepada aku sayang
Bawalah ruang hati mu
Bawalah panggilan cintaku
Bawalah rimbunan dingin untuk aku berteduh

Jangan pernah tinggalkan aku sayang
Ada lagi aku di sini kerana kamu
Berdiri aku bertopangkan ketagihan genggaman kecilmu
Selamanya aku berhutang kesuburan sifatku sama wujudmu

Senyumlah sayang
Nikmatilah kehidupan jahil itu
Ianya jauh lebih baik dari yang nyata
Jangan khuatir sayang, kau tidak rugi apa apa..

ice cream moustache

i saw a 3 year old girl near a McDonald's ice cream stand

she was happily licking her green-striped ice cream cone

she caught me smiling at her 'ice cream-moustached' face

she laughed sheepishly and hid behind her mother's legs

after a few seconds, she came out from behind her mother,

she saw me again and she laughed heartily

she tried to wipe the ice cream off her face while still laughing & looking at me

i guess she knew i was smiling at her ice cream covered face

something about her sincere laugh made me smile the whole day..

ironi

ironi
kau masih belum sedar
karma sedang menadah air matamu
mencurah cuka pada luka hatimu

ironi
kau masih gigih meneguk kasih
dari telaga bebal yang tak mampu lagi menangis
nyaris kering dihirup egomu

ironi
dungu yang dipijak kejam berulang kali
masih buta realiti
diikat jampi kasih palsumu

projectile vomit

dr kata, "writing is therapeutic, you should try it". aku hanya senyum paksa padanya. aku jawab "yeah sure, ill try". minggu lepas aku hantar sms pada bestfren "she was so wrong. haha. CLEANING is therapeutic" :)

lately everywhere you go, there'll be raya tunes ringing your ear drums. i'm not a big fan. (please dont spam my blog with comments telling me how to appreciate raya) i have nothing against aidilfitri, mind you. i love spending raya with my parents & siblings. them and only them

i hate
-being expected to buy new glamorous stuff for the sake of raya
-faking kindness when people i despise make unexpected visits
-slaving in the kitchen preparing meals for people i hate
-pretending to slave in the kitchen to avoid having conversations with people i hate
-being forced to make visits to the homes of the people i hate
-people asking my mother, why is your daughter so comot? why isn't she wearing clothes with glittering stuff on them? why doesn't she have any makeup on?
-people asking my mother about MY personal life


aku tak sempurna. aku teruskan hidup tapi aku tak mudah lupa. aku menonton dari suatu sudut. aku senyum sinis. gerakan sudah tidak seiring. terpijak, tersadung, tersembam.


aku perfectionist. parut sebesar semut di hujung kaki bisa memetik rasa jijik. don't get me wrong, i love myself, wouldn't want to be anyone else. ini cuma kelemahan aku. tapi aku tahu, parut itu takkan hilang, takkan ada ubat, takkan ada surgery yang boleh memadamkannya.


the wall i've built is for you. its not there to protect me. the sole purpose of its being is to protect you from me..

1st day of Ramadhan

woke up at 5 for sahur. makan kfc's original burger sambil mata separuh tertutup. had my coffee and performed my prayers before going back to sleep. the combination of my strong coffee and my meds made me very dizzy. made me a bit high kot. haha. i wanted to go back to sleep so badly but i couldn't. tomorrow morning i'm planning to make a very mild coffee for sahur. just enough caffeine to get me through the day. got sick of forcing myself to sleep so i woke up. got a text from elle saying she was already at camp5. took a quick shower, got dressed and headed to one utama. climbing on my 1st day of fasting :) just wanted to improve my technique, sweat a bit and take my mind off food, thats all. my right arm was aching like hell till i had to ask the front desk for analgesic balm. i stopped at around 4. i was already worn out. went to pick up my sis at home and headed for bangsar's bazaar. nothing much there i gotta say. got home, took a long relaxing shower and after that it was already time for iftar. halfway through my meal, i was already full. couldn't eat much. nearly fell asleep but managed to stay awake after a cup of coffee. i'm proud of myself for being able to stay awake to even type this post. mengantuk & letih. contemplating whether i should train capoeira tomorrow. a bit malas nak train pon ada. no axe. suddenly craving for cheesecake. tapi nanti kalau beli tak habis pulak. hmm...

Sesi soal jawab

Orang tanya kenapa aku selalu merayau sendiri
Aku jawab aku selesa sendirian

Orang tanya lagi, kenapa?
Aku jawab aku suka melayan perasaan dan jelik berkata-kata jika terpaksa

Orang kata aku loser
Aku jawab, suka hati aku lah

Orang kata kasihan sama aku
Aku jawab, mengapa perlu kasihan? aku pilih untuk sendirian

Orang kata, telefon lah andai mahu kemana-mana
Aku jawab, kira aku inginkan teman, akan aku khabarkan

Orang kata aku jarang sekali melontar senyuman
Aku jawab, aku senyum bila aku hendak. aku bukan miss universe yang perlu senyum pada semua

Orang kata aku memilih
Aku jawab, kau tidak tahu cerita sebenarnya

Orang kata aku sombong, susah nak dekat
Aku jawab, kalau kau pembunuh bersiri, bagaimana?

lasagna & kereta saya/johnny

it was a friday.

instead of baking, i decided to make a lasagna.

it was my 1st time really. this amateur cook took almost 1 1/2 hours just to cook the lasagna noodles. it took such a long time because i decided to boil the noodles one by one so that they wont stick to each other. made the meat sauce, grated the cheese, layered everything in the pan and an hour later voilà! its ready to go into the oven. or so i thought. this amateur cook, again i emphasize AMATEUR totally forgot that she needed aluminium foil to cover the lasagna. i called my mom asking her an alternative to this problem but she couldn't come up with anything. so i changed my clothes and ran downstairs to the mini market to find the aluminium foil. truthfully, i didn't put much hope in finding it there as the mini market only caters a small range of cooking supplies. to my delight and surprise, they do sell aluminium foils and there was 1 left. i bought it without even looking at the price. ran upstairs and put my lasagna into the oven.

it tasted okay to me. couldn't layer it much though as i didn't have the proper pan for it. i used my 2" cookie-baking pan.

done washing the dishes and cleaning up, i walked around the house looking for something to do as i had a nagging feeling that something was not right. when i'm anxious, i clean or do anything that keep me busy. then i decided to go mixer hunting and then hang out in cyber/sk after that. i got ready and walked outside to my car and then..jeng jeng jeng ....my car was not there!

my heart fell to the bottom of my stomach. i calmed myself and dialled my sister. a zillion attempts later and she still didnt answer. i scrolled my phone book looking for somebody else to call. when i saw apis's name, i immediately called him. i told him what happened he told me what to do. i was afraid that my car might have been stolen but he assured me that it wasn't a very calm voice. with shaky fingers i went online and surfed through the dbkl website for information. i called the dbkl tow depoh and this pakcik answered. i told him my situation and asked him to check whether my car was at the depoh or not. i repeated my plate number at least 3 times before he got it right. he yelled my plate number to his co-worker and the-very-not-funny co-worker told him that the car with the plate number just mentioned was not there. i almost stopped breathing. i took a deep breath and very nicely asked the pakcik to check again. then i heard the idiot co-worker yell 'oh ada ada ada'. so not funny kan these dbkl people. the pakcik who answered the phone told me to collect my car at the depoh that very night as they would charge more if i collected my car the next day. he tried to give me directions as to where the depoh was but the directions or landmarks mentioned didn't ring any bells until he said Hospital Tawakal. i thanked him and politely asked if he would wait if i were to arrive a little late.

next step, tried to figure out how the hell to get there. cab would be the most transparent choice but i didn't want to go all alone so i called up ajim. thank God he was in lowyat plaza with jai. they were shopping for some camera stuff. problem was, ajim didnt know how to get to my house. so i took a cab to bukit bintang. i was so shocked and nervous about the whole thing that i chatted with the cab driver the whole way there. i usually get annoyed with chatty cab drivers but that wasn't the case that night. met up with the both of them in sg wang and then headed to the depoh. i have super bad sense of direction so thankfully jai knew exactly how to get to Hospital Tawakal. the traffic was pretty bad that night especially around the pudu area so i called the depoh again informing them that i was on my way. arrived at the depoh, filled up some forms, paid 155 bucks and johnny was in my possession again. they needed some identification that i was in fact the owner of the car so i pulled out the road tax/insurance watever from my car and showed it to them. it was a long long tiring day. went straight home and parked at my housemates parking spot.150 bucks gone just like that.

1 month

its been a month since my last post. lost mojo

• im slowly drifting back into my run-and-hide stage.
• i was supposed go on an island vacation but i ended up going back home to my lovely hometown penang, i know i know, its an island but a vacation to your hometown doesnt count as a real vacation. it was ok i guess. its been ages since i last went to the beach. it was a short trip but i went back to kl with a tan line which is still visible today. so very not cool okay.
• after my so-called vacation,i went back to penang again the following week to accompany mommy as daddy went back to kelantan for his niece's wedding.had a huge fight with my sister before we went back. i was accused of a lot of unpleasant things.
  
• i missed my childhood friend's wedding.
• got shot down. please dont ask for details.
  
• i moved in a new house. i finally got my stuff back from a certain someone. ive been dreading this for a while but i finally managed to do it. it may not sound like a hard thing to do but it was difficult for me, emotionally that is. since i went with my sister, i had to control my face from showing any signs of sadness. after all that, i went to watch terminator salvation in one utama with afif and friends. the movie sucked big time. well, to me at least. i was planning on using the deposit money returned by my previous house owner to spoil myself a little bit buuutttt, i used the money to pay my phone bill and rent. im still planning to spoil myself tho. just thinking of a way to do it cheaper.
• his birthday. i did a status for him since i was too emotional to call them. a lot of people were curious but what the hell. i couldnt care less. it was for him.
  
• i went rock climbing again last week. i managed to find damai wall in batu caves on my own. i deserve a pat on the back for this. seriously. i get lost so often that when i arrived there without a single phone call asking for directions, people were shocked. anyway, the moment i arrived, my eyes were feasting on the sight of hot half naked bodies. it was like disneyland for me. thank God for shades. tho i enjoyed the view, i didnt want the owners of the hot bodies to know that i was looking at them. :P
  
• when the people u least expected to care about u show u that they do, its a strangely wonderful feeling. i know that i portray myself as an independent person but i do want to be taken care of at times. it carved a smile on my face when a person i just got to know showed me that he cared, that he would be worried if i walked alone at night and that he would be there if i needed him, without expecting anything in return. no, hes not trying to woo me. thank you dear friend. no matter how many nicknames i have for u due to your extracurricular activities, im grateful to have u as my friend.
• my neck and back and everything feels so stiff, i think i need a massage.
  

shop!

i'm tired but not sleepy just yet. does that make any sense? i just got back from midvalley. i went shopping alone the whole day today. it was wonderful. i have no idea why some people think its weird that i shop alone. i find it very relaxing. i would go browsing stuff from store to store without the guilt of making somebody wait whilst entertaining my own thoughts. its fun for me at least. i do shop with friends or my sister or mother at times but when i really want to buy something,i would just rather go alone. plus if i go with my mother or my sister, they would exhaust my ears by yapping, thats not suitable for you or please keep your money or that isnt the way you should dress. haha. before i went shopping, i went to get my hair trimmed at my usual salon. i just love the way Sam cuts my hair. it just grows out nicely. its a bit pricey for my standard but its worth it :) then i went to one utama. after i got bored of it, i drove to midvalley. although i didnt shop much, all in all, im satisfied with my shopping today.
my mom says i look really selekeh when she came to kl last weekend. such a great thing to hear from your mother the minute you meet her right. all weekend she was nagging me about my the way i dress, my style and how i should look good at all times. hhmmpphh. personally im the 'look good when i feel like it' kind of girl. im no fashionista. you should see me when im at home or when i go to places nearby, seriously, i look like somebody's maid(no offence intended to people who work as maids). i wear loose pants or my stretchable sports pants, baby-t's , sweater with my hair tied up and a naked face. and not to forget my glasses. haha. now that ive typed it down, i sould so hideous. i should really work on my style

getting physical

capoeira + rock climbing + swimming all in 1 day = aching muscles + exhaustion + a whole lot of bruises + tons of FUN!!!

this is what happens when you're too eager to get down from the top and didnt bother listening to the instructions :P

my legs look so hideous right now but i dont really mind. the bruises will go away in a week or so.
its been a 'physically busy' week for me since i have always been too lazy to exercise. i did all that on saturday, went for capoeira class on sunday, went swimming on monday ( tried nak keep up with ajim but couldnt. damn. according to him, i did 10 laps, according to me, i did 21 laps sbb dia kira pegi balik as 1 lap. haha) and i went climbing again at camp5 yesterday. i have no idea what i'm going to do today and tomorrow. maybe swimming or jogging. i have a long way to go before i can get rid of those damn lovehandles. haihhh

advice anyone?

after living for almost 25 years, i still have no idea how to comfort people or give advice
i despise it and do not think I'm fit to give anyone advice but when a person you're close to comes to you weak in the knees and begging for advice, u cant help but try
i found myself scratching my head and digging to the roots of my brain just to find the right words to say. even after all the scratching and digging, i only managed to say all the cliche things other people say when someone's sad. "get over him", "i feel sorry for you", "i feel your pain", "I'm here for you"
i know for a fact that those sentences won't cure anything. it just makes you force a polite smile and lets you know that you're not alone. but then again, no amount of kindness or warm wishes would help you get through your pain. at the end of the day, its your own personal battle to fight.
i just dont know what to say or do when other people are sad. when people whine about things that seem sad to them but petty to me, i tend to grin or laugh. seriously, that isn't something you would want to hear when you're looking for sympathy.

on another note, i finally watched turtles can fly last week. its been loitering in my hard disk for months and when boredom hit, i watched it. aiman said it was a sad movie so i was kind of expecting myself to cry. halfway through, and i still wasn't crying. ajim messaged me asking me what i was doing. i told him about the movie and how i was waiting for the sad scenes to make me weep. he sort of laughed and said he didn't think i was going to cry. i asked him why he was so sure, he said he just knew. he even bet me that i wasn't going to shed a single tear. i didn't believe him until i finished watching the movie. he was right, i didnt cry. it was kind of sad though. it was heartbreaking to watch all those armless and legless refugee kids. im not in the mood for a movie review. next time maybe. in conclusion, i suck at giving advice and i didnt cry watching a sad movie.

frame of mind

im cranky,rude n mean
my mood swings are unpredictable
i refuse to see or talk to most people
i cant be bothered to fake kindness
i cant even be bothered to smile
i need endorphins but im too lazy to work out
i need some laughter
i need a natural high
i need to boost my self esteem
i need a hug :|

dansa

ritma dansa berarak gah
bersaksikan bulan dan bintang
beserta segala isi alam

alunan suara senafas, seiring, seirama
dibuai desir angin dan deruan ombak
yang bagai sama menjiwai lenggok rentak

langkah tari diatur interpretasi rasa
jarum masa seakan terapung mati
di ruang magis yang tak dipagari

bibir bergerak mengukir sebentuk senyuman. ikhlas atau sinis? kau tentukan ;)