crappy entry

i have no idea what to write. otak macam beku. nak cakap writers block, im not actually a writer. do i have to be utterly depressed in order to find inspiration? i think i need to find a muse. maybe a happy one for a change. its not easy to find one in my own circle. maybe this is God's way of telling me to get the hell out of my comfort zone and find me a muse. sekarang boleh la semangat meet new people, konon nak cari muse, nanti bila dah kenal orang baru, mula la lari bila dah rapat atau bosan. i used to wonder why i can be really friendly to strangers and new people but once things get personal, i tend to run in the opposite direction. i brought it up in one of my conversations with a close friend. he said that knowing me, thats only natural. i have this fear of intimacy. i wont let people in that easily. we argued about it for some time as i was still in the denial stage. i didnt want to believe that i was that damaged or messed up inside. i took some time away from everything and pondered about it alone until i was ready to own up to it. well, that was about a year ago or so. yet i have not found a way to overcome my issues. i do not think im bipolar but there was a time when i my mood switched within seconds. one moment i was all happy and giggly and the next thing i know i was all curled up weeping like a baby. also vice versa. i dont know what it is but i cant connect well with energetic, bubbly, happy people. i prefer ones who are melancholic tho happy ones help me burn more calories. haha. orang-orang yang kononnya sangat happy dan tak ada masalah ni buat saya rasa macam parasit/virus. saya tak percaya ada orang yang 100% happy even if they claim they are. that would explain why i avoid seeing friends when im down. i do pretend to be all happy when i have to but i just cant do it constantly. penat ok nak pretend senyum kalau senyum tu tak ikhlas.ada juga sesetangah yang buat saya rasa macam sayalah punca masalah dan semua masalah ni semua senang sangat nak selesaikan. buat je macam ni, buat je macam tu, kau bukan dalam situasi aku bodoh! macam mana kau tau senang sangat nak buat! kepada yang rasa begitu, u can go kiss your own ass! im a gazillion miles away from perfect but if my memory serves me right, i rarely tell people how to solve their problems coz i know that i would never completely understand their situation. saya jarang nak bagi pendapat kpd orang lain dan saya juga enggan bagi pendapat kalau ditanya sekalipon sebab saya tau saya berfikiran sinikal.kepada sesiapa yang saya terbagi pendapat, saya min ta maaf sangat2. tak ramai orang boleh menerima pendapat saya so buat apa saya nak cakap. buat kering air liur je. saya dah melalut. this entry is a load of crap. im just whining about stuff i seldom say out loud coz im a scaredy-cat who cant work it to attack people verbally without getting into a fight.