Hitam

yang hitam baru sejengkal ditinggalkan
yang putih masih jauh beribu batu
perit
sakit itu masih segar
aku sendirian
luak makanan hanya untuk menepis kekosongan
lelap mata untuk lari dari rasa sakit
benak hanyut,kebas
putus hubungan dengan hati

mahu aku kakukan masa
agar aku dapat terus hanyut berkhayal yang indah
namun aku harus bergerak seiring dengan waktu
angin realiti meragut pergi angan-anganku
walau aku berlari mengejar impian samar itu
aku tersadung jatuh memeluk diriku
pintu hati kian sempit
akan adanya terang matahari
di sudut kelam hati aku

aku redha dengan dugaanku
takkan malam selamanya
siang pasti akan tiba dengan izinNya
bila ada bahagia,pasti ada derita
kalau adanya sunyi dalam hati
tandanya masih ada yang menyayangi

Tuhan & Kasih

Tuhan,

Penuhilah kosong hati ini

Dengan perasaan indah yang sekian lama tak ku rasai

Kasih,

Mengapa kau menjauh

Tidak layakkah aku untuk memilikimu

Tuhan,

Teguhkan kepercayaanku yang polos lagi goyah

Selimutkanlah beku hatiku dengan kehangatan iman

Kasih,

Remuk hatiku tak kelihatan pada zahir yang dingin

Jarimu pantas berkali memetik api keegoan

Tuhan,

Aku sujud dan sembah kepadaMu yang satu

Adil setiap takdirMu adalah bukti janji cinta pada umat manusia

Kasih,

Mengapa ada tenungan kalau kau siratkan suara hatimu dengan kata-kata pedih

Mengapa lari dan sembunyi nyanyian matamu kalau ianya tulus

My Long List of Things I Hate/Pet Peeves

I hate

1. my jiggly arms

2. the usage of the term 'effing'.if you want to curse, just do it. shortening it doesn't change the meaning.

3. people who say what they don't mean.

4. the chatting abbreviation "LOL". is it that hard to type out "HAHAHA". Imagine chatting with someone who is not used to the term. It'll take them a moment to figure out what it means and to get the meaning registered to their brain cells.

5. people who spit it public.its plain gross.

6. the sight of guys carrying their girl's handbags.ladies, if you refuse to carry your own handbags, leave it at home or if its too heavy, don't put so much stuff in it. don't emasculate your man by making them lug around your handbags. its not flattering and it definitely doesnt make you look like you have the upper hand. it just makes you look lazy and your man look like an idiot. its a whole different story if its luggage okay.guys, those handbags are supposed to accessorize your girl, not you!

7. people who tend to call me a tomboy just because i don't fancy certain girly stuff. not wearing makeup daily and not doing my hair regularly means i'm a tomboy??

8. needy animals(*hint* cats). its not like i want them or any other animals dead, just stay far far away from me and go find your own food.

9. the fact that i can't shoot back at certain people verbally just because they're allegedly sensitive or fragile. I'm afraid of hurting their feelings tho they say things to me like nobody's business(*rolling eyes*)

10. people who claim to be music lovers and criticize other people's preference when they only listen to certain genres of music. if you cant respect or appreciate the kinds of music other people listen to, then you're no music lover.

11. people who condemn me in public (especially if i hadn't done anything cruel to that particular person) and claim its a fucking joke.it isn't funny if I'm not laughing.

12. idiots who keep telling me how to feel or how not to feel.(dah aku rasa mcm tu nak buat mcm mana, kalau aku boleh control macam mana aku nak rasa, i would be in constant euphoria every single day)

13. idiots who judge me supposedly based on religious views when i know for a fact what they have been doing behind closed doors.

14. girls who give me the 'You're a slut' look whenever i'm friendly with guys.kalau aku nak menggedik dengan sape pon(single guys, mind you),suka hati aku la,bukan aku kacau boyfriend kau pon!

15. people attempting to give me heart attacks while i'm driving. When i'm driving, im alert. Even if theres a car coming my way,you don't have to yell at me with a panicky voice especially when its still a gazillion miles away.When i'm about to park my car, if i wanted you to look out, i would ask, if not, shut up! cause if u make me panic, i might just hit the gas pedal instead of the brakes. I drive better when i'm not navigated.

16. people who twist facts just to justify their actions.

17. receiving advice from not-so-close friends when i clearly did not ask for it.

thats enough ranting for one post

The Brylcream

This is a long overdue post. It was written a few days before hari raya but I didn’t have the heart to post it then.

Late yesterday evening, mother sent me on a mission to buy some groceries from the nearby supermarket. As it was already approaching iftar, I fastened my pace and hysterically searched all over the store for the required goods as I didn’t want to be the subject of my mother's wrath. I was frustrated as I couldn’t find anything my mother asked for. Not wanting to go home empty handed, I rummaged through the canned goods and grabbed some fruity stuff I thought my mother would like. As I walked towards the cashier, my eyes caught a glimpse of red Brylcream. My heart sank. I was almost instantly reminded of my late grandfather who passed away almost 3 months ago on the 9th July 2008, a day before my 24^th birthday. The memory of him made my eyes watery even though I wasn’t all that close to him. I had a soft spot for him. When he was alive, he did try his best to be fair to his total of 40 something grandchildren and great grandchildren; unlike my grandmother. I never blamed him for our lack of closeness or communication. I was the only grandchild born overseas so my grandparents didnt have the chance to pamper or take care of me at all. My parents were and still are my sole caretakers. Sometimes I wish I had the grandfather/mother-granddaughter bond as my sister has with them. Though I had very few acquaintances with him, his death still felt like a huge loss to me. I cannot stop rewinding the little memory I have of my Bapaktok. Sadly, the Brylcream was one of the fondest memories I have of him. I used to buy him the red Brylcream as a token of appreciation every time I went back for my break (or at least every time I noticed that he was running out of it). I can still remember the wide huge smile he had on his face as I handed him the little souvenir. That minute gesture would be displayed proudly in the glass cabinet. It saddens me that I cannot even remember the last time I saw him. I began visiting him less and less due to the family conflicts these past 2 years. His Alzheimer’s disease was taking a toll on his memory. He would ask me “ila cuti berapa lama?”.I would answer and repeat the answer patiently for another 7-8 times as he would ask me the same question over and over again. When I got the call from my sister at 2 am informing me that he had deceased, I was a bit numb and speechless. The news took me by surprise because my grandmother has been the sicker one compared to him. Somewhere between my numbness and speechlessness, I remember feeling relieved. Of course I was not glad that he died. It’s just that I was relieved that he can now rest peacefully without having to listen to his children bickering and fighting over his very small fortune. I went straight to the cemetery as soon as I arrived in Penang. As I stared at his grave, my tears started to fall uncontrollably. Deep inside, I felt a little strange since I didn’t know I cared that much. I secretly always thought that deaths of members of my extended family wouldn’t have any effect on me. Truthfully, I didn’t know whether I was sad due to his passing or was I just looking for a public excuse to grieve. Maybe it was both because I recalled feeling sad at the graveyard as images of him ran accross my mind; though my aunts were bickering nearby. At that moment, I assured myself that I wasn’t wrong when I felt relieved and comforted by the thought of his passing as he has now gone to a better place. My grandfather was a noble and religious man despite these values are not being reflected in his children. Alhamdulillah, he passed away without much suffering. I was told that he acted a little strange a week before his death. Everyday he would sit at my grandmother’s bedside telling her that he's dying soon and strange enough,he did that with a smile on his face. A few days ago, my cousin gave my mother a picture him sitting my my grandma's bed and it confirmed the stories, he was in fact smiling a few days before his death. On the day itself, 9^th July 2008, he complained that he wasn’t feeling so well to his son and when he started coughing blood, they took him to the hospital. Even with his condition then, he got dressed decently without anyone’s help before going to the hospital .He said goodbye to my grandmother as if nothing was going to happen to him. He passed on after less than two hours being admitted to the ICU. No one was there by his side. If Allah SWT prolongs my stay on earth, my upcoming birthdays would always remind me of my dear grandfather. Rest in peace Bapaktok. Al-Fatihah

syawal

Fajar terbit di pagi syawal
Sayup sayup
Kedengaran takbir berkumandang
Memuji kebesaran ilahi
Aidilfitri disambut penuh kesyukuran
Jari disusun,kemaafan dirayu
Wajah-wajah suci menyambut dengan kerelaan
Ketulusan ditemani manik manik penyesalan
Kelapa tunduk, keampunan dicium
Suasana hening, kaku
Hanya irama tangisan
Tanda kesyukuran kepadaNya
Sayu dan syahdu
Menebus dosa dan meleraikan ketegangan
Memberi nikmat dan nafas baru
Di kala pagi raya

pain

pain..
theres a rationale behind why God created this emotion
despite the fact that every one's nature of pain differ from one another,
all human beings endure this emotion from time to time
can you imagine life without pain?
a world free from grief and sorrow
a life so perfect nothing could ever go wrong
if you ask anyone out there,
what their idea of an ideal life is like,
their answer would perhaps be,
a life without pain
they are not aware that pain is what makes life worthy
it makes life appealing
it makes us appreciate small things we take for granted
it makes us wanna strive towards overcoming the pain and moving on with our lives
although it leaves permanent holes in our hearts,
it motivates us to work harder towards a better life

pain comes in all shapes and sizes,
anywhere and everywhere
it may strike us emotionally
the pain of parting with someone we love
the pain of not being able to live up to certain expectations
the pain of hurting our loved ones
the pain of being deceived
or it may hit us by the physical manner
the pain of being harassed,tortured and infected with sickness

can you imagine a world without these circumstances?
a world without pain is static
can you imagine not being able to cry?
everything in life is so perfect that our tear ducts are too proud to shed a single tear
can you imagine not being able to feel the adrenaline rush when you get something you've been longing for,
because your life is painless that your heart cannot comprehend the sensation?
can you imagine holding a newborn baby in your arms and feeling nothing but numbness?
can you imagine being in love and not be able to savor the miracle of pure happiness?

it is often said that war is cold-blooded murder
it only brings misery,loss and heartache
but would we really appreciate our peace and serenity if not due to the pain caused by war?
would we really be concerned to exercise our right to vote for our own government if not for the
political mess and mistakes made by our forefathers?
would we stumble upon humanity if there's no pain and suffering in this world?
would we grasp and value the idea of happiness at all if there was no pain?

Anugerah Paling Berharga

Kau muncul ketika kegelapan

Awan redup mengiringi ketibaanmu

Taufan dan kilat memanah penjagamu

Mereka tersungkur,tak mampu bangkit

Kehadiranmu disalah ertikan

Jasad lemah mengaburi hikmah kewujudanmu

Sinar matamu jernih mencerminkan kesucian

Namun tak dapat menangkis kezaliman dan ketidakadilan

Tanganmu menyimpulkan tali yang hampir putus

Azalimu menduga mereka

Menjadikan aku manusia

Tanpamu,pasti aku terdampar di tanah jahil

Mengais ngais kebenaran

Kau datang tanpa dosa

Dan kau akan pulang tanpa dosa

Tempatmu telah dijanjikan disisiNya

It

it sits proudly on its throne
staring straight at her
its worth a thousand words
carved a pure smile on her face
swept her troubles away
a question lingers on her mind
was it real?
or was it made believe
mending a shattered heart
restoring a collapsed faith

kamu

sayu,sepi
riaknya saban senja
lirikan matanya sayup
wajahnya dibalut seribu misteri
hatinya sering gundah
berseorangan meniti badai hidup
kental menerjah arus kehidupan
sesekali melontarkan senyuman
mengelak menuturkan kata
pena sahabat sejatinya
matanya pantas menafsirkan perbuatan
akalnya tajam,dalam

hope

unruly
like the sun shining
like the thunder rolling
why
is there a choice
with all her heart
or carved in half
wind and sunshine
wet or dry
aging beyond disbelief
through wry hasty moments
one remain
falling rain satisfies wishful desires
flaws adapt with fresh rosy leaves
scars covered with new coating
hopeful