What did i forget?

It was 7.02 am. I remember this clearly because I was a tad late that morning. Even 2 minutes is still considered late right? I looked at the clock/ calendar on my computer and I had a feeling I forgot something. Halfway done with my morning coffee and I still couldn’t figure out what it was. It was such a blur morning. I kept turning to my neighbor asking him “what day is it today?” hoping his answer would give me some clue on what I had forgotten. Instead the answer I got was “why are you so stoned today” accompanied with a sarcastic laugh. That serves me right though since I have always been sarcastic with other people. I had no idea why but after my lunch break I was convinced that it was my best friend’s birthday. Bear in mind, her birthday is in January okay. I was beating myself up for forgetting her birthday until something hit me, her birthday is a day earlier than my other friend’s birthday and her birth date has 2 digits. And…the nagging feeling continues. It wasn’t until the next day that I figured out what it was, Syaza Nadrah’s birthday. That little girl turned 24 last 6^th January.

My dearest Momon,

I have not been a good friend to you for a while. I’ve been distant and cold towards almost everyone. I’m not good with confrontation but I'm not hoping this post will make up for anything. You’re a wonderful person and your unique traits make you different from the others. Your hyper-ness helps others burn more calories when they’re around you. The beauty you have within you reflects on the outside as well. You glow when you're happy. I might not have left ay footprints in your heart but u sure have in mine. You are one of the few girl friends that I really care about. I’m sorry I have neglected to return tweets, messages or calls. I have been away from the social circle for a while. You’re the bestest friend a girl could ever ask for. You’ve been there for me during some tough times and I sure did have a great time with you. I just don’t know how to show appreciation towards other people, especially the ones that I do care about. I hope you had a blast on your birthday. I’m sorry I didn’t wish you earlier. This is just my way of telling you that I really didn’t forget your birthday J.I kept putting it off until today which is my off day. Happy belated 24th Birthday Syaza Nadrah. May you have a superb & blessed year ahead.

New Year

Looking back, a year ago I was lying in bed shivering and aching to my very bones with heartache as a side dish. Everything came at once. I remember praying to Allah asking for forgiveness for whatever sins I’ve committed for I believe that you get what you give. Maybe the severe sickness and pain was what I deserved for the wrongdoings throughout my life. During that particular point of time, I wrestled with annoying tiny voices in my head telling me that I was never going to get through it. I wanted so badly to split my brains open and tattoo the phrase “when a door closes, another opens” on my memory cells. At the risk of jinxing my own fate, ill admit that I have healed. Maybe not completely and I may only have 2/3 sanity compared to an average person but I can boldly say that I’m a different person than I was year ago. It is often said that transitions are difficult but no one (at least in my case) ever told me it was going to be this agonizing. Just when I was about to be at ease at my current stage, I come face-to-face with another breed of transition. It might sound petty as compared to changes other people face in their daily lives but I drained out a year’s worth of tears just by the thought of it. We can’t go back in time nor can we stop it so the best that we can do is to move forward. Moving on is a good thing but sometimes I cant help but reminisce the good old days I had with the people I love or used to love. I long to reach out to them, to tell them that I do care. I’m just clueless on how to actually do it and most importantly I’m not confident that I can actually maintain it. I might just run and disappear one fine day. So until I find a way to overcome my intimacy issues I think its best if I just stay away . The New Year has opened my eyes to the reality of something that I have overlooked all these while which is my parent’s mortality. I may have realized this before but I have been denying it out of fear. Age has changed them in many ways and wisdom has granted them peace with their own mortality but I have yet to step up to that level. The very thought of losing them has me curled up sobbing in my blanket. They and my siblings are the only definition of family that I could comprehend; them and nobody else. Realization is the first step in order for me to change for the better, no? It’s late and it’s cliché but despite my regular bitterness I would like to wish everyone a good year ahead. Enough said..