Voice

2012

2012-01-15T21:48:00.000-08:00

Another new year. Am I excited? Not so sure.

Personal checklist

A stable job - checked

A career -

A new car -

Open water scuba diving license - checked

Advanced scuba diving license -

A husband and beautiful kids -

Buy a house -

Shooting range - March 2012

Spend a day at the orphanage - February 2012

Euro trip -

Business revamp -

Mount Kinabalu -

Run a marathon -

Ok. I have a long way to go. Sigh

pointless

2011-10-24T06:34:00.000-07:00

the more i try to run away, the more i miss you

leaning on my pillow

2011-09-24T09:17:00.000-07:00

the air is calm

i can hardly hear nothing but the sound of the ceiling fan spinning slowly.

you've walked out on me not once but twice before. you're back and you're trying your best but why do i feel so empty? why do i feel so alone and so hurt when i see happiness in everyone else?

do you deserve my love and forgiveness? i dont know..

do i deserve the way you treat me now despite what you've done before? i really dont know..

i wish i had the answers

i wish i could answer these questions with a magic 8-ball

you asked me if i felt the same way

i told you i wasnt sure

you said that i should know

sorry baby i'm not as certain as other girls are

you looked confused..i dont blame you

you were not brought up the way i was

maybe all we had in the past was all a facade

to mask my deeply wounded heart

Random typing

2011-09-10T03:53:00.000-07:00

I can almost feel the cholesterol from all the santan clogging my arteries. Darn all the delicious Eid food.

Sometimes i feel overwhelmed with work, studies, my almost dying business that got back on track due to Eid, family and friends that want nothing more than just a few hours of my time every once in while. I barely have time to myself. I can be a pain in the ass clean freak whenever the obsessiveness kicks in (which is very frequently I must say) but whenever I feel overwhelmed with everything, I just let everything go. I let the clean unfolded laundry sit in the guest bedroom and my overstuffed closet look like its just been hit by tornado. I refuse to empty the dustbin in my room even though its overflowing. I sleep even if my hair was still wet, I could not be bothered to tweeze my eyebrows or shave my legs. Thank God for pantyhose.

My uncle was diagnosed with stage 4 lung cancer, my stupid relatives implied that I was never going to get married and I found out one of my close friend was getting engaged all on the same day. All that information were too hard to digest in 24 hours.

Raya

2011-08-29T22:02:00.000-07:00

Once again, its raya. To be honest, I have fully taken advantage of the holiness of Ramadhan. I tried in the beginning but work and making brownies got the best out of me. At 27, raya has a whole new meaning as compared to when I was 7. As a child, raya meant money, money, money and sometimes food to me. The whole idea of getting up early, slipping into a new (sometimes old) baju kurung, eating rendang and collecting green packets from the elders and playing with my cousins were all so exciting that it made it hard for me to fall asleep the night before.

During college years, my raya celebrations were difficult. I only went back to my parents’ like a day before eid and asking for forgiveness was excruciating as I watched the frustrated looks on my parents faces. At this time, I couldn’t be bothered with the green packets anymore though some of my relatives insisted that I take it anyway. Questions from my nosy relatives began to irritate the poop out of me.

Example 1. Boyfriend mana?takkan tak bawak mai?

Example 2. Gemuknya..makan beras apa ni?

Example 3. Bila nak abis belajar? Nak kerja kat mana nanti? Exam dapat GPA brapa? Anak uncle memang pandai,dia dapat so so and so..(its usually a lie)

Example 4. Bila nak kawin ni? Umur dah brapa..takkan nak tunggu beruban..

As years passed by, I began to despise raya more and more. It’s not actually raya that I hate. It’s just that when its raya, people tend to take advantage by visiting your home, asking for forgiveness and only to get on your nerves the very same way right after that. I also started to loathe raya songs. Its either its too happy (happy people irritate me) or its too sad (I have enough sadness in my life, don’t need to be reminded of it).

These days, my eid is slightly more peaceful. I would finish my brownies orders, go shopping at subang parade for baju raya for my mom, dad and brother then fly back to penang to see my parents. I no longer have to go back to Kelantan to see my dad’s side of the family. Only 3-4 or my mom’s siblings would come over to our house and I have my sister to answer their questions on my behalf. hahaha. I would usually fly back to kl on the 3rd day of eid. So yeah, my eid is better though it does not fit other people’s definition of raya.

Happy eid. I sincerely apologize if I have offended anyone in any way. I’m sorry if I forgot to reply any texts or return any calls. I have not gone missing again ( Believe me I’m trying very hard), I’m just occupied with a lot of things. I barely have time to finish watching a movie in one go. I’m sorry if I have cursed too much.

Selamat hari raya. Maaf zahir dan batin.

--

2011-03-13T03:02:00.000-07:00

say you want to kiss me again
i know you don't long for it

say it left a microscopic mark on your heart
i know you don't mean it

say you miss me when im not around
i know you don't even notice

say you love me darlin'
i know you don't feel it

promised me meaningless maybes baby
i know that you regret it

Blissful year end

2011-01-14T05:25:00.000-08:00

Took me a while to get to the second post huh. The best part of 2010. here it goes

I went to one utama after work on 16th November 2010. I was walking around looking for things to buy on my attempt to reduce my anxiety level. My phone rang and it was a number I didn’t recognize. I picked up the phone and it was somebody from Human Resource department. The line was not so clear so I tried hard to recall the most recent applications I sent through jobstreet. They wanted me to come in for an interview so I immediately said yes though I didn’t even hear the company name properly. At one point I thought it was Airasia based on the pronunciation of the officer. I finally managed to know the company’s name after receiving the confirmation email. To be honest, I didn’t put much hope into that application. I didn’t prepare for the interview and I was less than enthused.

23 November 2010. My sister’s birthday actually. I got away from work by taking an MC. Technically I did not go to the clinic to get the MC. I just rang up the office informing them I was unwell and will be calling in later to give them the MC details. I dumbly left the house at 1.30 pm though I had no idea where the office was. My interview was at 2.30 pm. I thought I could be Schumacher and swiftly get to my destination before 2.30 without taking the traffic condition into consideration. The traffic was pretty bad and started to panic. I confidently slithered my way around to avoid the traffic only to find myself in Cheras. In a place I am so unfamiliar with and they don’t have many signboards! I desperately drove with one hand with the other punching the keypads on my phone to get assistance from GPS. I almost gave up. I was about to head home and cry to my pillow when I decided to just pop by the office and beg on my knees for another interview from HR. As I was anxiously waiting for one of the traffic lights in front of KLCC to turn green, the HR guy called asking me where I was and he even tried to give me some directions. I was so relieved and nervously drove as fast as I could to the AIA building. The sweet HR guy didn’t even comment on my being late. He just told me that I had less time for my tests and evaluation. I wasn’t too bothered. The tests were easy for me and I took less than 40 minutes to complete all of it.

I waited a while for the department manager to get on with me interview. It was a petite Malay guy in his 30s. During the first 10 minutes of the interview, I didn’t think it went so well. He looked bored as I was babbling nonsense about myself and he was flipping though my resume. Things only got interesting when he started to ask me about my working experience. If I were him, I wouldn’t be too impressed with my ONE year working experience. I guess being person with fake confidence and a slightly above average proficiency in English has its perks. I convinced him that I could do the job despite the fact that I had no knowledge or experience in insurance. None. Zilch. Zero. Nada. I did my best to assure him that I’m a very fast learner and that I have had experience in process migration before. Best question was why I demanded the amount that I had entered for my basic salary. In my response, I remember clearly that I uttered gibberish on my first few sentences. I stopped for a few seconds, smiled and said I was earning this much on my current job though it was including allowances and would not want to earn any less coz no one should go back a step. People should move forward. He laughed and accepted my answer. Just before I got up he said he would call me with an answer, I nodded and said that I hope he would seriously consider me. He sort of continued asking why he should hire me, I gave him all sorts of funny answers. Haha. And then……he said ok. He offered me a job on the spot!! I had to refrain myself from jumping up and down in front of him. He asked me to get a medical checkup and come back to collect my offer letter. In my head I was like”YESS!! Now I can tender my resignation !!!”

Well, that’s not the best part yet. So I used the same old excuse to get away from work the next day. I went to the clinic, got my medical checkup and dropped by the office to get my offer letter. On my way to the other clinic (to get my fake MC), I got a call from Syam who was the guy who interviewed me. He asked me whether I had left the office and I said yes. He asked me whether I would be willing to start immediately. I paused and told him that I would be glad to but I would not want to pay my current company one month salary. He told me not to worry about it as the company is willing to take care of it. He said that he would like me to start as they were sending selected candidates to Melbourne for knowledge transfer and he has selected me to get on board. I let out a silent scream of disbelief! Bear in mind that I was driving at that point of time. I almost hit the brakes at the middle of the highway so I stopped the car to continue the conversation. He told me that I would be flying off to Melbourne that very Saturday. I pinched myself many many times till my skin peeled to make sure I wasn’t dreaming. I immediately called my mom to break the news. Sis picked up the phone and her response was “Bodo laa..”.

I was overjoyed. I haven’t felt that happy in a long time. I went home, typed a resignation letter and went straight to Cyber. All the assistant managers including shorty were having a meeting. I could not wait so I went over to them and handed my resignation letter directly to shorty. Everyone was stunned and didn’t say a word for a few minutes. The silence broke when Yamuna started laughing. Shorty called me into a room and asked me why I’m leaving in such a hurry. I didn’t want to leave on bad terms to I just said its due to my studies. He told me off the records that he’s happy for me and he has not seen me smile like that in a while. Although I was happy that I got the job, I was still sad that I would be leaving my awesome colleagues. I didn’t get to see most of them since it was already 6 and the morning shifters already left.

I woke up early the next day as I had to go to the immigration office. They gave me a lot of crap or my issuance due to my being born overseas. Long story short,
1. Went to the Immigration office in Subang Airport. Was told I needed my mom’s passport from 1984! Ridiculous since I have a Malaysian IC right.
2. Dragged my mom to the commissioner of oath to sign some letters.
3. Back to the IO. Was told I needed the original copy of my birth cert. Wasn’t told that during the initial visit in the morning.
4. Drove to Putrajaya to extract my birth cert.
5. Back to IO. Was told it wasn’t going to be ready that day. Stupid arseholes. Called my boss, told him the situation and he said it would be okay to bring the passport the next day. When I asked for receipt thingy, they had already completed the issuance. Haih…misleading information. All the above events happened in one day.

Went for a bit of shopping on Friday, packed my stuff and off I went to Melbourne on Saturday night.

So that’s how my 2010 ended. Pretty awesome I must say. During my one month all expenses paid stay in Melbourne, all the shit that happened in 2010 felt worthwhile.

November part 1

2010-12-30T23:36:00.000-08:00

Where do I begin.. My November started off like any other month. I was getting very restless at work. Every time I opened the resignation list, I couldn’t help but feel very insecure and had given up hope of getting a job somewhere else. The phrase “I’m gonna die here in this company” kept irking the hell out of me. My wonderful colleagues kept me going. If it weren’t because of them I would’ve gone home with a migraine each day for the past 1 year.

My sister decided to go back to our hometown to clear her head during the first week of November. I was home alone. One morning at around 5.45 am I received a call from my dad. He calmly asked whether I was up and whether I was planning to come home any time soon. I was drowsy and very confused. He then broke the news that my mom had collapsed, had a series of seizures and had been taken to the emergency room. I was speechless for a few minutes. He assured me that my mom did not have s stroke and the doctors were about to do some tests for precaution. I wanted to go fly back to penang immediately but my dad told me not to worry. I went to work anyway. When my boss arrived at 7, I told her that I needed some days off to go back to my hometown. I was frantically browsing the airlines websites for the earliest flight with no luck. MAS and Firefly didn’t have any early flights that day and Airasia was stupid enough to ask me to go to the counter to check. I rang up elle to take me there but she was somewhere else. So san took me to lcct instead. When I got to the counter, the stupid ass airasia told me that they have sold out. San took me to the bus terminal in kl. I took the 3 pm bus and arrived in penang at about 7 something. On the way there my sister told me that the tests turned out ok. The only thing they failed to inform me was that my mom was not herself. I almost fainted when I saw my mom coz she didn’t even recognize me. It took a while for me to calm down.

Alhamdulillah, she was back to herself the next morning. She was transferred from the ICU to the normal ward. She was weak and her memory was not so great but at least she could recognize all of us. The doctor told us that it was due to the dangerously low level of sodium in her blood, high cholesterol and also her UTI. To the people who were amazingly supportive during that point of time, I thank you all very much from the bottom of my heart.

Well that the not so great part of my year end. The great part will be on the next post

Eidul Adha & shopping madness!

2010-11-20T00:53:00.000-08:00

My screwed up office management decided to "let" me be on holiday on Eidul Adha despite the fact that I didnt apply for the leave. So I decided, what the hell right. One day away from my awful, heartless, annoying, ear piercing and lame ass bosses. My sister was still away in Penang so I was home alone. Check out my Raya dishes It looks pathetic right. I should be at home eating rendang, roti jala, chicken curry and spending time with my family. Whatever. At least my muffins turned out okay. I don't know what came over me these past three months. I have been shopping like I never had before. Of course I didn't have the money before I started earning on my own but still, I'm not usually like this. I have tried so hard not to feel guilty for those purchases. Its not like I have a large outstanding or paying monthly interest on my credit card but I guess I can't help the guilt. The wave of guilt usually comes when I bump into elderly people working in departmental stores or riding a bicycle with a huge load of stuff to deliver somewhere. No matter how hard I remind myself that I work very hard for each penny I earn, the guilt would still pay a visit every once in a while. I guess its due to my upbringing. These are some of the stuff I bought. Some of them don't cost much but accumulated, they still have an impact on my account balance.

Tears, boyfriends and movies

2010-11-05T08:32:00.000-07:00

A friend once said, the odds of me crying during a movie is very slim. To be honest, I used to be a crybaby when I was a kid. Movies, yelling and physical pain could easily trigger my tear ducts. As I grew older, I did everything I could to toughen up. It worked as to not making me cry physically but I did still feel sad inside. Then I went to college, after my first boyfriend broke my heart, I couldn't stop crying. I'm not proud of those times. I was weak, clingy, naive and sad to say, I was stupid. Come to think of it, my first boyfriend and I went through a lot of unnecessary drama during the short period of time that we were together. Some memories would make me smile, some would make me laugh in embarrassment and some would just make me hide in my closet. He and I did not speak for five years after we broke up and I honestly never in my mind thought that I would ever be at peace with him. We aren't close friends these days but if it weren't for him, I would be a totally different person today. He thought me how to let myself trust someone, love someone and be happy. Though things did not end well with us, I still am thankful for the wonderful memories that he has given me.

I'm going rather off track here. Well, that story ends there. After the second breakup, I cried insanely for a few days and stopped. I did not let myself feel the pain. That and the awful blowup in the relationship with my parents just did the trick. 25 years worth of issues ballooned up tight but steady was poked by a tiny pin of misleading information. I lived like an orphan for three months without communicating with my parents. At that time, I stayed away from almost everyone except for occasional phone calls to my bestfriend Durrah and my brother Hafiz. I have had issues with my parents all my life but that dreadful period was the most emotionally torturing one. It was then that my brain and heart stopped communicating. I couldnt feel anything. I was numb when I did things I enjoyed, I laughed at inappropriate events and my mind was empty most of the time.

Suffice it to say, crying ratio between then and now is 8:1. Furthermore, I could not find any movies that could make me cry. I tried to watch all the sappy movies that was suggested to me. My bestfriend even asked me to watch some video about a dying kid on youtube to make me cry. That and nothing else worked. One fine day, as I was reading a movie review by a local critic, I came across a title that the critic deemed one of the best Islamic/humanity themed movie that he has ever seen. Its called The Color Of Paradise. I was intrigued. Googled it up and took me about a day and a half to download the movie. I was so busy at that time that the only free time I had to watch movies was before I went to bed. With the laptop on my tummy, I fell asleep 5 minutes after the movie started for 3 days in a row. I put off watching the movie until my weekend. I watched the movie alone in my room. To my surprise, 15 minutes later I was reaching out for the kleenex. The movie touched my heart and soul like no movie ever did before. I called my bestfriend a few days after that and she was in awe. But before that, she was rather critical about it and asked whether I was having a mood swing or whether I was on PMS.pffftt.

So there, a movie that finally made me cry. I don't know why I took the long cut to tell this story.

Coffee

2010-10-10T08:54:00.000-07:00

I got home feeling more jaded than I usually do.

Took a quick shower, glanced through my email hopelessly anticipating some good news.

No good news for me today. Oh well, I kind of got used to it.

My brains were so empty I had no idea what to watch in tvshack or what to surf about.

Easy solution: Yahoo!

No, I dont read the news religiously nor do I even have any of the related links saved in my favourites.

So yes, Yahoo! was the best transparent solution I could think of.

I came across this http://shine.yahoo.com/channel/food/im-sick-of-being-discriminated-against-for-not-drinking-coffee-2397767/

The moment I finished reading the article, I couldnt help but think,"Dude, you and i should swap!".

I'm sick of people asking me," whats that odd looking fluid you have in your bottle?"

I'm sick of being told," you know what caffeine does to your brain..."

I'm sick of refraining myself from strangling the people who say "you dont need to drink coffee,it's all in the mind.."

In conclusion, I'm sick for being discriminated for actually drinking coffee..

random ramblings

2010-09-15T08:38:00.000-07:00

i kept telling myself to start writing again and to actually come up with something of substance. too bad i dont actually think whining is even remotely close to having a decent amount of substance in a blog post. since my writing inspirations come during the oddest of times(like seriously, once it came when i was desprately trying to get my big fat bum to cooperate with my body to do a backflip),i am just going to list down some random thoughts

1. miley cyrus is getting slutty.hahaha.im not exactly up to date about the latest trends or music but the last time i saw her on tv, she was telling oprah on how she dresses according to her own style and how she acknowledges that kids see her as some sort of icon. now she looks like a combination of britney and kelly osbourne.

2. i was in my clean freak mode when i washed my keys with anti bacterial soap. dont ask me why i did it.

3. i found out about the sosilawati's story a bit late. i actually heard about it when i was shopping for my mom's baju raya. the sales girl was talking to her friend about it. this doesnt make me look too good does it? :P . i feel sorry for her and her family. nobody deserves to die tragically like that. being rich and famous has its downside. my very own moral of the story : do not silent your handphone for no reason.

4. my latest craze : vanilla beans. i have been searching high and low for them. i finally found them at bangsar shopping centre. i bought "a" vanilla bean for a friggin 9 bucks. please note the a in inverted commas.

5. kids and babies used to hate the sight of me. my ex-roommate's niece once cried, (no, she screamed on top of her lungs actually) at the sight of me. i guess my aura or something changed over the years. kids and babies actually like me now. on an unrelated note, my cousin's super cute 4 months old baby puked on my dad's car last week coz i was playing the airplane game with him after feeding time.

6. mac/apple is making tons of money out of technology dummies who purchased their items because its the current "in thing". for the record, i have nothing against their products. i just think that it is absurd for people who use their laptop for facebook, ym and google to spend 6000 for a macbook just because it looks cool when they can actually get a basic laptop for less than 2000. if you can actually fully utilise all the functions, then by all means go get yourself one. but if u cant, save yourself the extra 4000. then again, its your money, do whatever you want with it.

7. i dont wear leggings coz i have fat legs.

8. i am claustrophobic, atychiphobic, coulrophobic & glossophobic.

9. i no longer find megan fox hot. she looked unattractively chinese-opera-like in her new photos.

10. the florida's pastor's attempt for fame is just wrong on so many different levels. if he is a true man of faith, he wouldnt have even thought of destroying another religion's holy text.

Alone

2010-07-10T09:20:00.000-07:00

10th July 2010, 11.35 pm

I'm sitting alone in my room with my face covered with some mask thingy and I'm planning to go to sleep once I take that crap off.

Its another miserable birthday and I cant wait to get it over with.

I would love to blame fate for whatever things that did not go well over the years but deep inside my heart I know that it isn't true. I deserve everything that has happened to me.

I used to be a religious person who followed all the “guidelines” and did my prayers 5 times a day.

All that changed 4 years ago when I hit rock bottom and I started to compare fate with other people. Allah tests the faith of His creations with different circumstances and unfortunately I have failed with flying colors.

I could not get through the hurdle in one piece and more devastatingly, my once solid faith slowly melted and evaporated into thin air.

Hence, I'm paying my dues by not getting the job that I so desperately want, being pushed away by the people that I really care about and not be able to find someone who loves me unconditionally.

Maybe I deserve being alone on my birthday.

Maybe I deserve not being loved.

Maybe I deserve tears of sadness instead of tears of joy.

I wish I could fly away to a place far away from here

I wish..

2010-05-15T08:16:00.000-07:00

I wish I had more hours in a day

I wish I had more energy

I wish I didn't need any alone time

I wish I was superwoman

Juggling between work, family, friends, capoeira, climbing and myself is exhausting.sigh..

ignorance is bliss??

2010-02-04T23:11:00.000-08:00

Ignorance is not bliss if it meant you kicking yourself out of bed at 5 am just to find out you're on leave 3 hours after you started work. Here I am at home at 3 pm straining my eyelids so i won't doze off after a heavy greasy lunch. This blows. On my way home just now I was contemplating to do a number of things but I abandoned all of them by the thought of my lovely pillows. I was about to suffocate my soft pillows with a big embrace when the sound of my climbing buddy's voice making fun of my figure paid an irritating visit to my head. Urgh. Never take your body for granted, not a minute, even if you're fucking drained after 12 hours of work. You need to work out to maintain your energy level and metabolism. Lesson learned.
Next month resolution
-swim, capoeira & climb. all of the above at least once a week.
-stop doing overtime work.
-start eating healthier food. no, i'm not gonna eat salad. just smaller portions and less greasy.
-start driving like a civilized person and stop annoying people with the high beam every morning.
-stop spending money on unnecessary stuff, start spending money wisely & stop whining about the lacking of money
-finish reading the novel.
-spare more time for friends.
-stop irritating my family members. nah..i take that back. i can never stop doing that. its my entertainment

2 hours until my climbing date with my annoying friends and i have nothing to do. maybe i should clean again..

What did i forget?

2010-01-18T00:04:00.000-08:00

It was 7.02 am. I remember this clearly because I was a tad late that morning. Even 2 minutes is still considered late right? I looked at the clock/ calendar on my computer and I had a feeling I forgot something. Halfway done with my morning coffee and I still couldn’t figure out what it was. It was such a blur morning. I kept turning to my neighbor asking him “what day is it today?” hoping his answer would give me some clue on what I had forgotten. Instead the answer I got was “why are you so stoned today” accompanied with a sarcastic laugh. That serves me right though since I have always been sarcastic with other people. I had no idea why but after my lunch break I was convinced that it was my best friend’s birthday. Bear in mind, her birthday is in January okay. I was beating myself up for forgetting her birthday until something hit me, her birthday is a day earlier than my other friend’s birthday and her birth date has 2 digits. And…the nagging feeling continues. It wasn’t until the next day that I figured out what it was, Syaza Nadrah’s birthday. That little girl turned 24 last 6^th January.

My dearest Momon,

I have not been a good friend to you for a while. I’ve been distant and cold towards almost everyone. I’m not good with confrontation but I'm not hoping this post will make up for anything. You’re a wonderful person and your unique traits make you different from the others. Your hyper-ness helps others burn more calories when they’re around you. The beauty you have within you reflects on the outside as well. You glow when you're happy. I might not have left ay footprints in your heart but u sure have in mine. You are one of the few girl friends that I really care about. I’m sorry I have neglected to return tweets, messages or calls. I have been away from the social circle for a while. You’re the bestest friend a girl could ever ask for. You’ve been there for me during some tough times and I sure did have a great time with you. I just don’t know how to show appreciation towards other people, especially the ones that I do care about. I hope you had a blast on your birthday. I’m sorry I didn’t wish you earlier. This is just my way of telling you that I really didn’t forget your birthday J.I kept putting it off until today which is my off day. Happy belated 24th Birthday Syaza Nadrah. May you have a superb & blessed year ahead.

New Year

2010-01-08T09:42:00.001-08:00

Looking back, a year ago I was lying in bed shivering and aching to my very bones with heartache as a side dish. Everything came at once. I remember praying to Allah asking for forgiveness for whatever sins I’ve committed for I believe that you get what you give. Maybe the severe sickness and pain was what I deserved for the wrongdoings throughout my life. During that particular point of time, I wrestled with annoying tiny voices in my head telling me that I was never going to get through it. I wanted so badly to split my brains open and tattoo the phrase “when a door closes, another opens” on my memory cells. At the risk of jinxing my own fate, ill admit that I have healed. Maybe not completely and I may only have 2/3 sanity compared to an average person but I can boldly say that I’m a different person than I was year ago. It is often said that transitions are difficult but no one (at least in my case) ever told me it was going to be this agonizing. Just when I was about to be at ease at my current stage, I come face-to-face with another breed of transition. It might sound petty as compared to changes other people face in their daily lives but I drained out a year’s worth of tears just by the thought of it. We can’t go back in time nor can we stop it so the best that we can do is to move forward. Moving on is a good thing but sometimes I cant help but reminisce the good old days I had with the people I love or used to love. I long to reach out to them, to tell them that I do care. I’m just clueless on how to actually do it and most importantly I’m not confident that I can actually maintain it. I might just run and disappear one fine day. So until I find a way to overcome my intimacy issues I think its best if I just stay away . The New Year has opened my eyes to the reality of something that I have overlooked all these while which is my parent’s mortality. I may have realized this before but I have been denying it out of fear. Age has changed them in many ways and wisdom has granted them peace with their own mortality but I have yet to step up to that level. The very thought of losing them has me curled up sobbing in my blanket. They and my siblings are the only definition of family that I could comprehend; them and nobody else. Realization is the first step in order for me to change for the better, no? It’s late and it’s cliché but despite my regular bitterness I would like to wish everyone a good year ahead. Enough said..

contented

2009-11-14T01:31:00.000-08:00

Right this moment, I am fairly content with my life. Being me, I know that this feeling would not last long but I will give my all to savor it. Do not be mistaken, my life isn’t perfect. It just isn’t as dysfunctional as it always is. I’m getting the hang of tuning out things that might have a negative impact in my life although it’s only remotely connected to me. I have not been a good friend to a lot of people lately. I’m so deeply sorry for my disappearance. I’m trying my best. I beg you to give me some space. Let me breathe. Its not that I don’t want you in my life, I just don’t feel like sharing my sorrow with the whole world. To Nur Durrah Ismail and Hafiz Nawawi, I can’t thank you enough for being there for me when I needed you. Capoeira and climbing saved my soul. I’m not going to elaborate on how they did, they just did. Aiman and Fiza, I miss you guys.

21/10/09

2009-10-21T07:47:00.000-07:00

my day

work. ash purposely looked for a reason/chance to make me talk to the cute guy :) got some good news from HR. not gonna jinx it. keeping my fingers crossed till friday the payday :)
drove 55 km back home with eyes half closed.
forgot to collect cordless phone from stupid stmyx. changed destination. headed to tmpoint damansara.
craved for cupcakes. the curve. rained heavily the moment i entered the carpark. wandered around aimlessly like a zombie. did some shopping. found an aromatherapy massage parlor. stiff shoulder so got me a half body massage. damn it was good. bought the cupcakes and mcd for dinner.
wanted so badly to just sit back, relax, watch a movie whilst enjoying my meal but i accidentally spilled the damn drink near my sub woofer and plug. sigh. then....jiji decided to test my patience by refusing to display anything on the monitor. gave up for a while. scarfed up my cheeseburger within seconds. 4 attempts later and finally jiji forgave me for considering to replace her.
forgot to bring up the damn cordless up so had to go down and get it from my car. sigh
finally got to enjoy my cupcake. okay. didnt really enjoy or savor it. i scarfed it up too.
wanted to make brownies but the damn gas tank decided to be empty on this very day. stashed the semi chopped nuts back into the cabinet.
felt guilty for eating comfort food with a ton of fat, grease, cholesterol,.....so i put on my bathing suit and went downstairs to swim. pancit nak mampos. haven't been doing much cardio lately. just climbing.
a very nice shower. prepared all my stuff for tomorrow and here i am..about to doze off. goodnite

classical tunes

2009-10-05T09:16:00.000-07:00

mode : floating on air with classical tunes

listening to Vivaldi, Mozart and Beethoven

the soothing tunes never fail to comfort me

every time i listen to them, i am amazed at how the tunes excel to tell a story, a tale or express an emotion without a single word. at least thats how i feel. my music knowledge is very limited, yeah i know.

masterpieces

why?

2009-10-04T10:02:00.000-07:00

i'm a social retard.

i'm aware that i am.

i go on silent mode when they try to get close.

i wont let them see the vulnerable side of me.

i vanish without notice.

i push people away until they hate me.

i wont let them know who i am.

because once they do, they'll leave..

sayang

2009-10-01T03:39:00.000-07:00

Datanglah kepada aku sayang
Bawalah ruang hati mu
Bawalah panggilan cintaku
Bawalah rimbunan dingin untuk aku berteduh

Jangan pernah tinggalkan aku sayang
Ada lagi aku di sini kerana kamu
Berdiri aku bertopangkan ketagihan genggaman kecilmu
Selamanya aku berhutang kesuburan sifatku sama wujudmu

Senyumlah sayang
Nikmatilah kehidupan jahil itu
Ianya jauh lebih baik dari yang nyata
Jangan khuatir sayang, kau tidak rugi apa apa..

ice cream moustache

2009-09-30T04:31:00.000-07:00

i saw a 3 year old girl near a McDonald's ice cream stand

she was happily licking her green-striped ice cream cone

she caught me smiling at her 'ice cream-moustached' face

she laughed sheepishly and hid behind her mother's legs

after a few seconds, she came out from behind her mother,

she saw me again and she laughed heartily

she tried to wipe the ice cream off her face while still laughing & looking at me

i guess she knew i was smiling at her ice cream covered face

something about her sincere laugh made me smile the whole day..

ironi

2009-09-07T11:39:00.001-07:00

ironi
kau masih belum sedar
karma sedang menadah air matamu
mencurah cuka pada luka hatimu

ironi
kau masih gigih meneguk kasih
dari telaga bebal yang tak mampu lagi menangis
nyaris kering dihirup egomu

ironi
dungu yang dipijak kejam berulang kali
masih buta realiti
diikat jampi kasih palsumu

projectile vomit

2009-09-05T10:36:00.000-07:00

dr kata, "writing is therapeutic, you should try it". aku hanya senyum paksa padanya. aku jawab "yeah sure, ill try". minggu lepas aku hantar sms pada bestfren "she was so wrong. haha. CLEANING is therapeutic" :)

lately everywhere you go, there'll be raya tunes ringing your ear drums. i'm not a big fan. (please dont spam my blog with comments telling me how to appreciate raya) i have nothing against aidilfitri, mind you. i love spending raya with my parents & siblings. them and only them

i hate
-being expected to buy new glamorous stuff for the sake of raya
-faking kindness when people i despise make unexpected visits
-slaving in the kitchen preparing meals for people i hate
-pretending to slave in the kitchen to avoid having conversations with people i hate
-being forced to make visits to the homes of the people i hate
-people asking my mother, why is your daughter so comot? why isn't she wearing clothes with glittering stuff on them? why doesn't she have any makeup on?
-people asking my mother about MY personal life

aku tak sempurna. aku teruskan hidup tapi aku tak mudah lupa. aku menonton dari suatu sudut. aku senyum sinis. gerakan sudah tidak seiring. terpijak, tersadung, tersembam.

aku perfectionist. parut sebesar semut di hujung kaki bisa memetik rasa jijik. don't get me wrong, i love myself, wouldn't want to be anyone else. ini cuma kelemahan aku. tapi aku tahu, parut itu takkan hilang, takkan ada ubat, takkan ada surgery yang boleh memadamkannya.

the wall i've built is for you. its not there to protect me. the sole purpose of its being is to protect you from me..

1st day of Ramadhan

2009-08-22T05:59:00.000-07:00

woke up at 5 for sahur. makan kfc's original burger sambil mata separuh tertutup. had my coffee and performed my prayers before going back to sleep. the combination of my strong coffee and my meds made me very dizzy. made me a bit high kot. haha. i wanted to go back to sleep so badly but i couldn't. tomorrow morning i'm planning to make a very mild coffee for sahur. just enough caffeine to get me through the day. got sick of forcing myself to sleep so i woke up. got a text from elle saying she was already at camp5. took a quick shower, got dressed and headed to one utama. climbing on my 1st day of fasting :) just wanted to improve my technique, sweat a bit and take my mind off food, thats all. my right arm was aching like hell till i had to ask the front desk for analgesic balm. i stopped at around 4. i was already worn out. went to pick up my sis at home and headed for bangsar's bazaar. nothing much there i gotta say. got home, took a long relaxing shower and after that it was already time for iftar. halfway through my meal, i was already full. couldn't eat much. nearly fell asleep but managed to stay awake after a cup of coffee. i'm proud of myself for being able to stay awake to even type this post. mengantuk & letih. contemplating whether i should train capoeira tomorrow. a bit malas nak train pon ada. no axe. suddenly craving for cheesecake. tapi nanti kalau beli tak habis pulak. hmm...

Sesi soal jawab

2009-07-18T01:17:00.000-07:00

Orang tanya kenapa aku selalu merayau sendiri
Aku jawab aku selesa sendirian

Orang tanya lagi, kenapa?
Aku jawab aku suka melayan perasaan dan jelik berkata-kata jika terpaksa

Orang kata aku loser
Aku jawab, suka hati aku lah

Orang kata kasihan sama aku
Aku jawab, mengapa perlu kasihan? aku pilih untuk sendirian

Orang kata, telefon lah andai mahu kemana-mana
Aku jawab, kira aku inginkan teman, akan aku khabarkan

Orang kata aku jarang sekali melontar senyuman
Aku jawab, aku senyum bila aku hendak. aku bukan miss universe yang perlu senyum pada semua

Orang kata aku memilih
Aku jawab, kau tidak tahu cerita sebenarnya

Orang kata aku sombong, susah nak dekat
Aku jawab, kalau kau pembunuh bersiri, bagaimana?

lasagna & kereta saya/johnny

2009-07-07T03:36:00.000-07:00

it was a friday.

instead of baking, i decided to make a lasagna.

it was my 1st time really. this amateur cook took almost 1 1/2 hours just to cook the lasagna noodles. it took such a long time because i decided to boil the noodles one by one so that they wont stick to each other. made the meat sauce, grated the cheese, layered everything in the pan and an hour later voilà! its ready to go into the oven. or so i thought. this amateur cook, again i emphasize AMATEUR totally forgot that she needed aluminium foil to cover the lasagna. i called my mom asking her an alternative to this problem but she couldn't come up with anything. so i changed my clothes and ran downstairs to the mini market to find the aluminium foil. truthfully, i didn't put much hope in finding it there as the mini market only caters a small range of cooking supplies. to my delight and surprise, they do sell aluminium foils and there was 1 left. i bought it without even looking at the price. ran upstairs and put my lasagna into the oven.

it tasted okay to me. couldn't layer it much though as i didn't have the proper pan for it. i used my 2" cookie-baking pan.

done washing the dishes and cleaning up, i walked around the house looking for something to do as i had a nagging feeling that something was not right. when i'm anxious, i clean or do anything that keep me busy. then i decided to go mixer hunting and then hang out in cyber/sk after that. i got ready and walked outside to my car and then..jeng jeng jeng ....my car was not there!

my heart fell to the bottom of my stomach. i calmed myself and dialled my sister. a zillion attempts later and she still didnt answer. i scrolled my phone book looking for somebody else to call. when i saw apis's name, i immediately called him. i told him what happened he told me what to do. i was afraid that my car might have been stolen but he assured me that it wasn't a very calm voice. with shaky fingers i went online and surfed through the dbkl website for information. i called the dbkl tow depoh and this pakcik answered. i told him my situation and asked him to check whether my car was at the depoh or not. i repeated my plate number at least 3 times before he got it right. he yelled my plate number to his co-worker and the-very-not-funny co-worker told him that the car with the plate number just mentioned was not there. i almost stopped breathing. i took a deep breath and very nicely asked the pakcik to check again. then i heard the idiot co-worker yell 'oh ada ada ada'. so not funny kan these dbkl people. the pakcik who answered the phone told me to collect my car at the depoh that very night as they would charge more if i collected my car the next day. he tried to give me directions as to where the depoh was but the directions or landmarks mentioned didn't ring any bells until he said Hospital Tawakal. i thanked him and politely asked if he would wait if i were to arrive a little late.

next step, tried to figure out how the hell to get there. cab would be the most transparent choice but i didn't want to go all alone so i called up ajim. thank God he was in lowyat plaza with jai. they were shopping for some camera stuff. problem was, ajim didnt know how to get to my house. so i took a cab to bukit bintang. i was so shocked and nervous about the whole thing that i chatted with the cab driver the whole way there. i usually get annoyed with chatty cab drivers but that wasn't the case that night. met up with the both of them in sg wang and then headed to the depoh. i have super bad sense of direction so thankfully jai knew exactly how to get to Hospital Tawakal. the traffic was pretty bad that night especially around the pudu area so i called the depoh again informing them that i was on my way. arrived at the depoh, filled up some forms, paid 155 bucks and johnny was in my possession again. they needed some identification that i was in fact the owner of the car so i pulled out the road tax/insurance watever from my car and showed it to them. it was a long long tiring day. went straight home and parked at my housemates parking spot.150 bucks gone just like that.

1 month

2009-06-22T07:14:00.000-07:00

its been a month since my last post. lost mojo

im slowly drifting back into my run-and-hide stage.
i was supposed go on an island vacation but i ended up going back home to my lovely hometown penang, i know i know, its an island but a vacation to your hometown doesnt count as a real vacation. it was ok i guess. its been ages since i last went to the beach. it was a short trip but i went back to kl with a tan line which is still visible today. so very not cool okay.
after my so-called vacation,i went back to penang again the following week to accompany mommy as daddy went back to kelantan for his niece's wedding.had a huge fight with my sister before we went back. i was accused of a lot of unpleasant things.
i missed my childhood friend's wedding.
got shot down. please dont ask for details.
i moved in a new house. i finally got my stuff back from a certain someone. ive been dreading this for a while but i finally managed to do it. it may not sound like a hard thing to do but it was difficult for me, emotionally that is. since i went with my sister, i had to control my face from showing any signs of sadness. after all that, i went to watch terminator salvation in one utama with afif and friends. the movie sucked big time. well, to me at least. i was planning on using the deposit money returned by my previous house owner to spoil myself a little bit buuutttt, i used the money to pay my phone bill and rent. im still planning to spoil myself tho. just thinking of a way to do it cheaper.
his birthday. i did a status for him since i was too emotional to call them. a lot of people were curious but what the hell. i couldnt care less. it was for him.
i went rock climbing again last week. i managed to find damai wall in batu caves on my own. i deserve a pat on the back for this. seriously. i get lost so often that when i arrived there without a single phone call asking for directions, people were shocked. anyway, the moment i arrived, my eyes were feasting on the sight of hot half naked bodies. it was like disneyland for me. thank God for shades. tho i enjoyed the view, i didnt want the owners of the hot bodies to know that i was looking at them. :P
when the people u least expected to care about u show u that they do, its a strangely wonderful feeling. i know that i portray myself as an independent person but i do want to be taken care of at times. it carved a smile on my face when a person i just got to know showed me that he cared, that he would be worried if i walked alone at night and that he would be there if i needed him, without expecting anything in return. no, hes not trying to woo me. thank you dear friend. no matter how many nicknames i have for u due to your extracurricular activities, im grateful to have u as my friend.
my neck and back and everything feels so stiff, i think i need a massage.

shop!

2009-04-30T07:10:00.000-07:00

i'm tired but not sleepy just yet. does that make any sense? i just got back from midvalley. i went shopping alone the whole day today. it was wonderful. i have no idea why some people think its weird that i shop alone. i find it very relaxing. i would go browsing stuff from store to store without the guilt of making somebody wait whilst entertaining my own thoughts. its fun for me at least. i do shop with friends or my sister or mother at times but when i really want to buy something,i would just rather go alone. plus if i go with my mother or my sister, they would exhaust my ears by yapping, thats not suitable for you or please keep your money or that isnt the way you should dress. haha. before i went shopping, i went to get my hair trimmed at my usual salon. i just love the way Sam cuts my hair. it just grows out nicely. its a bit pricey for my standard but its worth it :) then i went to one utama. after i got bored of it, i drove to midvalley. although i didnt shop much, all in all, im satisfied with my shopping today.
my mom says i look really selekeh when she came to kl last weekend. such a great thing to hear from your mother the minute you meet her right. all weekend she was nagging me about my the way i dress, my style and how i should look good at all times. hhmmpphh. personally im the 'look good when i feel like it' kind of girl. im no fashionista. you should see me when im at home or when i go to places nearby, seriously, i look like somebody's maid(no offence intended to people who work as maids). i wear loose pants or my stretchable sports pants, baby-t's , sweater with my hair tied up and a naked face. and not to forget my glasses. haha. now that ive typed it down, i sould so hideous. i should really work on my style

getting physical

2009-04-15T21:05:00.000-07:00

capoeira + rock climbing + swimming all in 1 day = aching muscles + exhaustion + a whole lot of bruises + tons of FUN!!!

this is what happens when you're too eager to get down from the top and didnt bother listening to the instructions :P

my legs look so hideous right now but i dont really mind. the bruises will go away in a week or so.
its been a 'physically busy' week for me since i have always been too lazy to exercise. i did all that on saturday, went for capoeira class on sunday, went swimming on monday ( tried nak keep up with ajim but couldnt. damn. according to him, i did 10 laps, according to me, i did 21 laps sbb dia kira pegi balik as 1 lap. haha) and i went climbing again at camp5 yesterday. i have no idea what i'm going to do today and tomorrow. maybe swimming or jogging. i have a long way to go before i can get rid of those damn lovehandles. haihhh

advice anyone?

2009-03-11T03:02:00.000-07:00

after living for almost 25 years, i still have no idea how to comfort people or give advice
i despise it and do not think I'm fit to give anyone advice but when a person you're close to comes to you weak in the knees and begging for advice, u cant help but try
i found myself scratching my head and digging to the roots of my brain just to find the right words to say. even after all the scratching and digging, i only managed to say all the cliche things other people say when someone's sad. "get over him", "i feel sorry for you", "i feel your pain", "I'm here for you"
i know for a fact that those sentences won't cure anything. it just makes you force a polite smile and lets you know that you're not alone. but then again, no amount of kindness or warm wishes would help you get through your pain. at the end of the day, its your own personal battle to fight.
i just dont know what to say or do when other people are sad. when people whine about things that seem sad to them but petty to me, i tend to grin or laugh. seriously, that isn't something you would want to hear when you're looking for sympathy.

on another note, i finally watched turtles can fly last week. its been loitering in my hard disk for months and when boredom hit, i watched it. aiman said it was a sad movie so i was kind of expecting myself to cry. halfway through, and i still wasn't crying. ajim messaged me asking me what i was doing. i told him about the movie and how i was waiting for the sad scenes to make me weep. he sort of laughed and said he didn't think i was going to cry. i asked him why he was so sure, he said he just knew. he even bet me that i wasn't going to shed a single tear. i didn't believe him until i finished watching the movie. he was right, i didnt cry. it was kind of sad though. it was heartbreaking to watch all those armless and legless refugee kids. im not in the mood for a movie review. next time maybe. in conclusion, i suck at giving advice and i didnt cry watching a sad movie.

frame of mind

2009-03-05T05:40:00.000-08:00

im cranky,rude n mean
my mood swings are unpredictable
i refuse to see or talk to most people
i cant be bothered to fake kindness
i cant even be bothered to smile
i need endorphins but im too lazy to work out
i need some laughter
i need a natural high
i need to boost my self esteem
i need a hug :|

dansa

2009-03-03T10:29:00.000-08:00

ritma dansa berarak gah
bersaksikan bulan dan bintang
beserta segala isi alam

alunan suara senafas, seiring, seirama
dibuai desir angin dan deruan ombak
yang bagai sama menjiwai lenggok rentak

langkah tari diatur interpretasi rasa
jarum masa seakan terapung mati
di ruang magis yang tak dipagari

bibir bergerak mengukir sebentuk senyuman. ikhlas atau sinis? kau tentukan ;)

my long weekend

2009-02-24T09:40:00.000-08:00

a long entry. sorry i cant be bothered to construct full sentences

19th february

i received an sms from an EBC member informing me that there would be an unexpected roda in bukit bintang that night

reluctant at 1st as i have never been in a public roda before.received an sms from agas who persuaded me to go. he assured me that i only had to sing and clap
drove to bukit bintang like a maniac as i thought i was already late.arrived at quarter past 8. parked my car at bb plaza parking.
met other EBC members at maybank.waited and waited and waited till all of us were very anxious. decided to get some food while waiting.
even after the consumed food were all digested, no sign of mestres.
they finally arrived at 10.45 or so. apparently there were some kind of mixup with the plans and mia got lost in cheras when she was on her way to pick them up.
very fun roda.mestres showed off their skills. humiliated myself in public.forced to play roda with the mestres.was the only beginner there.
supposed to go to lcct to pick up the filipino students.another plan mixup.horrible organization to be honest. there were no definite planning as to where the students would stay.
there was no bloody way i was gonna drive all by myself to lcct at night since san, ovu and i were going to lcct from separate directions, i persuaded agas to come with me.got lost a bit before arriving. cacau was calling so many times as it was already late and no one was actually communicating with her. picked them up. another problem,5 were supposed to stay in cheras and 5 in damansara.there 3 cars but only san knew the way to cheras but his car cant fit 5 passengers. in the end, all 3 cars went to cheras for the people there to decide who stays where. everyone was already tired so all of them decided to stay in cheras. took them out for supper, sent agas home and headed to putramas right away.
very very tired but i couldnt get much rest that night

20th february

received an sms wanting me to go to cheras to pick them up and send them to cacau's house. i was locked in as my sister went to work and didnt give me her key.
juls called and arranged for me, her and syaza to go to the workshop together.
got ready, packed the necessary stuff and knocked on underwear guys' door(ask him a favor, to tag the stupid lift so that i can use the lift to go down to the ground floor)
parked car at havana. got a ride with juls while truque rode with syaza. syaza forgot her gps so we had to just find the place on our own.
arrived at the hotel. no1 was ready just yet. syaza went early to the complex and left her car with me. juls and i were supposed to convoi with soldado to the complex but we lost him in the traffic. decided to stop at the gas station and ask for directions. juls had to pay a cab to take her there.
finally got there. tiring workshop. not enough water.too chicken to get into the roda. forced to go in with soldado. supposed to take 5 filipinos to cacau's house. went to rasta for supper. ate like a cow. went home after that.

miss grimace i am indeed

21st february

woke up aching all over.got an sms asking me to take the filipinos to bt caves. i wanted to coz theyre so nice but i was aching and had a headache.
remembered i had nothing to wear for the brazilian night. drove to cyber that evening to pick some clothes
rushed to bkt bintang as there was another roda. it was raining on the way so i had to slow down. the roda was cancelled. met the boys in mcd and went to change in lot 10.the boys were having an early dinner in sg wang. by the time everyone was gathered to go to the westin together,it was raining heavily. i forgot that westin was opposite pavilion, if i had remembered i wouldve driven there. dumbass. it was pouring rain and there was no way we could run/walk there without arriving soaking wet. estatua brought his umbrella and san had this very 'nazak' looking umbrella.we decided to take turns using the 2 umbrellas and stop at every possible shelter. all 6 of us looked like idiots running in the rain. my feet were all wet and so were my clothes. i was just trying very hard to conceal my face from the rain as i didnt want the rain to ruin my makeup and make me look goth.
we finally arrived in qba. the music was fine. the batucada people were there. a close friend i invited to the event called and asked me for a favor. he wanted to buy him some flowers. a good friend i am, i snatched salario from the crowd and made him accompany me to pavilion to get the flowers. it costs 50 freakin bucks! i didnt know flowers were that expensive but i couldnt care less since im gonna claim the money anyway. it was a tad embarrassing lugging the flowers around the mall. im so gonna hang this over his head for the rest of his life. everyone was having fun i guess at qba. i felt like i was suffocating in the crowd. it reminded me why i dont go clubbing.
i was getting tired so i left at 12 or so. the bb parking is so stupid. the malls were already closed so azhar and i had to climb up winding ramp to get my car. we had dinner at devis bangsar and i drove home.

21st february

batizado day. drove to solaris. got a teeny tiny tshirt for batizado. i looked like i was wearing a baby's shirt. stomach ache. everyone thought i was just nervous but i knew that wasnt it.
got my yellow corda. didnt do as well as i wanted coz i was too busy telling myself not to vomit during the au. happy with my corda none the less.
took the filipinos to makbul ttdi for lunch. planned to take them to klcc afterwards. as i said, theyre too nice to say no to. arrived in klcc when suddenly somebody called saying we had to be at the hotel. i was rather confused. we had just arrived.havent even had the chance to show them around. gas aint free people! since the filipinos said to me in makbul that they wanted to see the place, i decided to just stay. had coffee and good conversation at dome. they went back to the hotel with a cab. i didnt want to go to the hotel since they were taking a cab there. i just didnt see the point of going but somebody insisted. i wasnt in the mood to argue so i went. almost hit another car at the roundabout as i was too busy looking at the signboard coz my passengers werent sure of the route. arrived at the hotel, cheras was fucking packed. couldnt find a parking outside so went to the paid parking.
i looked like a vegetable as i entered their room. i was exhausted. i didnt take the filipinos to the airport as nobody told me earlier. i had plans with my sister. i felt bad for the filipinos but i was just too exhausted. im broke anyway. gas and toll cost aint cheap.

in the roda with prof sapo

in conclusion, i had a long, tiring but fun weekend. met some very interesting people and witnessed some very cool capoeira moves by the mestres.

*pics courtesy of mr johan sopiee a.k.a ovu

crappy entry

2009-02-12T00:56:00.000-08:00

i have no idea what to write. otak macam beku. nak cakap writers block, im not actually a writer. do i have to be utterly depressed in order to find inspiration? i think i need to find a muse. maybe a happy one for a change. its not easy to find one in my own circle. maybe this is God's way of telling me to get the hell out of my comfort zone and find me a muse. sekarang boleh la semangat meet new people, konon nak cari muse, nanti bila dah kenal orang baru, mula la lari bila dah rapat atau bosan. i used to wonder why i can be really friendly to strangers and new people but once things get personal, i tend to run in the opposite direction. i brought it up in one of my conversations with a close friend. he said that knowing me, thats only natural. i have this fear of intimacy. i wont let people in that easily. we argued about it for some time as i was still in the denial stage. i didnt want to believe that i was that damaged or messed up inside. i took some time away from everything and pondered about it alone until i was ready to own up to it. well, that was about a year ago or so. yet i have not found a way to overcome my issues. i do not think im bipolar but there was a time when i my mood switched within seconds. one moment i was all happy and giggly and the next thing i know i was all curled up weeping like a baby. also vice versa. i dont know what it is but i cant connect well with energetic, bubbly, happy people. i prefer ones who are melancholic tho happy ones help me burn more calories. haha. orang-orang yang kononnya sangat happy dan tak ada masalah ni buat saya rasa macam parasit/virus. saya tak percaya ada orang yang 100% happy even if they claim they are. that would explain why i avoid seeing friends when im down. i do pretend to be all happy when i have to but i just cant do it constantly. penat ok nak pretend senyum kalau senyum tu tak ikhlas.ada juga sesetangah yang buat saya rasa macam sayalah punca masalah dan semua masalah ni semua senang sangat nak selesaikan. buat je macam ni, buat je macam tu, kau bukan dalam situasi aku bodoh! macam mana kau tau senang sangat nak buat! kepada yang rasa begitu, u can go kiss your own ass! im a gazillion miles away from perfect but if my memory serves me right, i rarely tell people how to solve their problems coz i know that i would never completely understand their situation. saya jarang nak bagi pendapat kpd orang lain dan saya juga enggan bagi pendapat kalau ditanya sekalipon sebab saya tau saya berfikiran sinikal.kepada sesiapa yang saya terbagi pendapat, saya min ta maaf sangat2. tak ramai orang boleh menerima pendapat saya so buat apa saya nak cakap. buat kering air liur je. saya dah melalut. this entry is a load of crap. im just whining about stuff i seldom say out loud coz im a scaredy-cat who cant work it to attack people verbally without getting into a fight.

Cinta

2009-01-22T12:17:00.000-08:00

Mengukir senyuman di saat terjaga
Hati diulit siulan muzik indah
Yang gelita tampak terang
Yang hina dikhabar mulia
Kerana cinta aku bahagia
Kerana cinta aku dibuai lara

Agungkah cinta itu?
Seagung kasih ibu yang memerah kudrat melahirkanku?
Sekudus kasihNya yang sentiasa bersamaku?
Apa cinta itu mengurangkan sakitku bila nyawa dicabut Izrail?
Apa cinta itu akan menjawab soalan mungkar dan nakir di kuburku?
Apa cinta itu membimbingku detik amalan dihisab di padang mahsyar?

Apa aku terlalu taksub mengemis cinta duniawi?
Dari seseorang yang bergelar manusia?
Apa aku terlalu daif sehingga meminggirkan cinta pada ibu dan Tuhanku?

Mati aku ber-binkan ibu
Syurga aku di telapak kaki ibuku
Mengapa dihunus rimas bila menjawab panggilan ibu
Namun menagih rela bila dipanggil kekasih?
Mengapa gigih berucap sayang pada kekasih
Dan menjaja alkisah sayang itu tanpa segan silu,
Bila gagap untuk hanya membisikkan sayang pada ibu?
Mengapa pantas menadah maaf kala terlanjur bahasa dengan kekasih
Bila keampunan ibu hanya dipohon setibanya syawal?

Pintu rezeki dan jasadku adalah nikmat dari Nya
Dipinjamkan sementara kepadaku untuk menjadi khalifah di alam ini
Namun mengapa aku tidak sedaya upayaku untuk mendekatiNya?
Mengapa aku ingkar pada suruhanNya?
Mengapa aku leka pada dugaanNya?
Mengapa tidak aku bercinta dengan Tuhanku?
Sebagaimana aku bercinta dengan umatNya?

Pentas dunia hanya sementara
Harus aku imbangi cintaku pada semua

January

2009-01-22T05:00:00.000-08:00

No New Year celebration for me. Some call me lame but i honestly couldn't care less. I'm not one for going to unbelievably crowded places, pushing through a bunch of sweaty + smelly people for a gasp of air and screaming happy new year on top of my lungs. its just the first day of the Gregorian calendar. big deal. even if i was not at home enduring the agonizing pain of my withdrawal, i would just be in some quiet place hanging out with some close friends. yes. boring. i know. too bad you cant see me rolling my eyes.
Bestie came to kl for a few days to spend some time with her bf. although i didn't get to spend as much time as i wanted with her, it was nice having her around. its the first time in our 10 years of friendship did i get to have personal late night chat sessions with her. talking to her on the phone doesn't count. I'm really glad she had a good time here in kl. she deserves it.
capoeira is still fun. i came back to kl after new year with a big blue-black bruise on my left knee. after that one went away, i managed to score another one then another one then another one...im a klutz and i dont mind the bruises. bestie told me to go easy on myself and not push too hard. i told her i actually like getting bruised and prefer physical pain than emotional ones. that statement left her speechless for a few seconds. pharmacists are not trained for emotional consulting. haha. my instructor says im improving but i still think i suck in capoeira. hes just trying to be nice i guess.
had a girls days out or something last thursday.i met fieza at jusco for a quick drink. it was so good to see her especially since she happened to come across my mind a few days earlier. i missed her so much. we managed to catch up even though the clock was ticking fast. she had to go home to her family and i had to meet fadinha in midvalley. i really do hope ill get to meet fieza more often. after saying goodbye to fieza i rushed over to midvalley to meet fadinha. we walked around the mall aimlessly whilst sharing stories with each other. we didnt stop talking even when our mouths were filled with mcd's burger and fried chicken. we were that eager to talk. heh. its no wonder my sore throat is back.
went to Dengkil to change both of the front tyres yesterday. dragged ajim to go with me tho he wasn't that much help. haha. traded in the old tyres for just 60 bucks. so cheap. they were relatively new. not even a few hundred miles on those tyres yet. its not my call anyway, the boss says trade it in, so i just traded it in. its not like im a car enthusiast or anything right. as long as the engine's running, the temperature is fine, the tyres are not bald and the air-conditioning is working, i have no complaints.
I'm dead broke. i tried to track down my expenses last night and it turns out i spent a little too much on food. between the celebrations, comfort food and my own cravings, i have carelessly spent too much a little too early. im admitting my own stupid mistake but right now im really pissed off at a clinic in seri kembangan. the doctor spent less than a minute with me and she concluded that i needed 48 bucks worth of medication. are you that good of a doctor? its so freaking absurd especially since i only have a few bucks left with me now. im never going to that clinic ever again. i only have a sore throat and dry cough, im no doctor but i don't think i need 5 different kinds of medication to cure this. stupid doctor. no wonder your clinic was empty. your cough syrup better be working miracles on me because it tastes like piss.
i learned that because i normally turn my back on the insults thrown my way, they seem to think that its okay to do it more. im like a volcano, just waiting to burst. trigger it at the wrong time and you'll get see devastating effect my mounting anger volcano has to offer. im so loving yoga mats right now. dont get me wrong, i cant do any yoga pose. 2 weeks ago, my capoeira instructor used yoga mats as targets for our martello kick. it felt so great to let out all my anger on the poor yoga mat. i accidentally kicked a few knuckles while i was burning up the adrenaline. my feet hurts and i feel bad for the people whose knuckles i've kicked but the refreshing sense trumps the guilt.

so there. my lame January. theres a week or so left before February but i doubt anything interesting will happen. cant wait for another depressing month. uuurrrgghh. sorry. im not a positive bright shiny bubbly person. its exactly 11.03 pm on January 22nd 2009.

Hitam

2008-12-31T10:54:00.001-08:00

yang hitam baru sejengkal ditinggalkan
yang putih masih jauh beribu batu
perit
sakit itu masih segar
aku sendirian
luak makanan hanya untuk menepis kekosongan
lelap mata untuk lari dari rasa sakit
benak hanyut,kebas
putus hubungan dengan hati

mahu aku kakukan masa
agar aku dapat terus hanyut berkhayal yang indah
namun aku harus bergerak seiring dengan waktu
angin realiti meragut pergi angan-anganku
walau aku berlari mengejar impian samar itu
aku tersadung jatuh memeluk diriku
pintu hati kian sempit
akan adanya terang matahari
di sudut kelam hati aku

aku redha dengan dugaanku
takkan malam selamanya
siang pasti akan tiba dengan izinNya
bila ada bahagia,pasti ada derita
kalau adanya sunyi dalam hati
tandanya masih ada yang menyayangi

Tuhan & Kasih

2008-12-22T08:19:00.000-08:00

Tuhan,

Penuhilah kosong hati ini

Dengan perasaan indah yang sekian lama tak ku rasai

Kasih,

Mengapa kau menjauh

Tidak layakkah aku untuk memilikimu

Tuhan,

Teguhkan kepercayaanku yang polos lagi goyah

Selimutkanlah beku hatiku dengan kehangatan iman

Kasih,

Remuk hatiku tak kelihatan pada zahir yang dingin

Jarimu pantas berkali memetik api keegoan

Tuhan,

Aku sujud dan sembah kepadaMu yang satu

Adil setiap takdirMu adalah bukti janji cinta pada umat manusia

Kasih,

Mengapa ada tenungan kalau kau siratkan suara hatimu dengan kata-kata pedih

Mengapa lari dan sembunyi nyanyian matamu kalau ianya tulus

My Long List of Things I Hate/Pet Peeves

2008-11-18T09:33:00.000-08:00

I hate

1. my jiggly arms

2. the usage of the term 'effing'.if you want to curse, just do it. shortening it doesn't change the meaning.

3. people who say what they don't mean.

4. the chatting abbreviation "LOL". is it that hard to type out "HAHAHA". Imagine chatting with someone who is not used to the term. It'll take them a moment to figure out what it means and to get the meaning registered to their brain cells.

5. people who spit it public.its plain gross.

6. the sight of guys carrying their girl's handbags.ladies, if you refuse to carry your own handbags, leave it at home or if its too heavy, don't put so much stuff in it. don't emasculate your man by making them lug around your handbags. its not flattering and it definitely doesnt make you look like you have the upper hand. it just makes you look lazy and your man look like an idiot. its a whole different story if its luggage okay.guys, those handbags are supposed to accessorize your girl, not you!

7. people who tend to call me a tomboy just because i don't fancy certain girly stuff. not wearing makeup daily and not doing my hair regularly means i'm a tomboy??

8. needy animals(*hint* cats). its not like i want them or any other animals dead, just stay far far away from me and go find your own food.

9. the fact that i can't shoot back at certain people verbally just because they're allegedly sensitive or fragile. I'm afraid of hurting their feelings tho they say things to me like nobody's business(*rolling eyes*)

10. people who claim to be music lovers and criticize other people's preference when they only listen to certain genres of music. if you cant respect or appreciate the kinds of music other people listen to, then you're no music lover.

11. people who condemn me in public (especially if i hadn't done anything cruel to that particular person) and claim its a fucking joke.it isn't funny if I'm not laughing.

12. idiots who keep telling me how to feel or how not to feel.(dah aku rasa mcm tu nak buat mcm mana, kalau aku boleh control macam mana aku nak rasa, i would be in constant euphoria every single day)

13. idiots who judge me supposedly based on religious views when i know for a fact what they have been doing behind closed doors.

14. girls who give me the 'You're a slut' look whenever i'm friendly with guys.kalau aku nak menggedik dengan sape pon(single guys, mind you),suka hati aku la,bukan aku kacau boyfriend kau pon!

15. people attempting to give me heart attacks while i'm driving. When i'm driving, im alert. Even if theres a car coming my way,you don't have to yell at me with a panicky voice especially when its still a gazillion miles away.When i'm about to park my car, if i wanted you to look out, i would ask, if not, shut up! cause if u make me panic, i might just hit the gas pedal instead of the brakes. I drive better when i'm not navigated.

16. people who twist facts just to justify their actions.

17. receiving advice from not-so-close friends when i clearly did not ask for it.

thats enough ranting for one post

The Brylcream

2008-10-08T05:09:00.000-07:00

This is a long overdue post. It was written a few days before hari raya but I didn’t have the heart to post it then.

Late yesterday evening, mother sent me on a mission to buy some groceries from the nearby supermarket. As it was already approaching iftar, I fastened my pace and hysterically searched all over the store for the required goods as I didn’t want to be the subject of my mother's wrath. I was frustrated as I couldn’t find anything my mother asked for. Not wanting to go home empty handed, I rummaged through the canned goods and grabbed some fruity stuff I thought my mother would like. As I walked towards the cashier, my eyes caught a glimpse of red Brylcream. My heart sank. I was almost instantly reminded of my late grandfather who passed away almost 3 months ago on the 9th July 2008, a day before my 24^th birthday. The memory of him made my eyes watery even though I wasn’t all that close to him. I had a soft spot for him. When he was alive, he did try his best to be fair to his total of 40 something grandchildren and great grandchildren; unlike my grandmother. I never blamed him for our lack of closeness or communication. I was the only grandchild born overseas so my grandparents didnt have the chance to pamper or take care of me at all. My parents were and still are my sole caretakers. Sometimes I wish I had the grandfather/mother-granddaughter bond as my sister has with them. Though I had very few acquaintances with him, his death still felt like a huge loss to me. I cannot stop rewinding the little memory I have of my Bapaktok. Sadly, the Brylcream was one of the fondest memories I have of him. I used to buy him the red Brylcream as a token of appreciation every time I went back for my break (or at least every time I noticed that he was running out of it). I can still remember the wide huge smile he had on his face as I handed him the little souvenir. That minute gesture would be displayed proudly in the glass cabinet. It saddens me that I cannot even remember the last time I saw him. I began visiting him less and less due to the family conflicts these past 2 years. His Alzheimer’s disease was taking a toll on his memory. He would ask me “ila cuti berapa lama?”.I would answer and repeat the answer patiently for another 7-8 times as he would ask me the same question over and over again. When I got the call from my sister at 2 am informing me that he had deceased, I was a bit numb and speechless. The news took me by surprise because my grandmother has been the sicker one compared to him. Somewhere between my numbness and speechlessness, I remember feeling relieved. Of course I was not glad that he died. It’s just that I was relieved that he can now rest peacefully without having to listen to his children bickering and fighting over his very small fortune. I went straight to the cemetery as soon as I arrived in Penang. As I stared at his grave, my tears started to fall uncontrollably. Deep inside, I felt a little strange since I didn’t know I cared that much. I secretly always thought that deaths of members of my extended family wouldn’t have any effect on me. Truthfully, I didn’t know whether I was sad due to his passing or was I just looking for a public excuse to grieve. Maybe it was both because I recalled feeling sad at the graveyard as images of him ran accross my mind; though my aunts were bickering nearby. At that moment, I assured myself that I wasn’t wrong when I felt relieved and comforted by the thought of his passing as he has now gone to a better place. My grandfather was a noble and religious man despite these values are not being reflected in his children. Alhamdulillah, he passed away without much suffering. I was told that he acted a little strange a week before his death. Everyday he would sit at my grandmother’s bedside telling her that he's dying soon and strange enough,he did that with a smile on his face. A few days ago, my cousin gave my mother a picture him sitting my my grandma's bed and it confirmed the stories, he was in fact smiling a few days before his death. On the day itself, 9^th July 2008, he complained that he wasn’t feeling so well to his son and when he started coughing blood, they took him to the hospital. Even with his condition then, he got dressed decently without anyone’s help before going to the hospital .He said goodbye to my grandmother as if nothing was going to happen to him. He passed on after less than two hours being admitted to the ICU. No one was there by his side. If Allah SWT prolongs my stay on earth, my upcoming birthdays would always remind me of my dear grandfather. Rest in peace Bapaktok. Al-Fatihah

syawal

2008-10-02T01:32:00.000-07:00

Fajar terbit di pagi syawal
Sayup sayup
Kedengaran takbir berkumandang
Memuji kebesaran ilahi
Aidilfitri disambut penuh kesyukuran
Jari disusun,kemaafan dirayu
Wajah-wajah suci menyambut dengan kerelaan
Ketulusan ditemani manik manik penyesalan
Kelapa tunduk, keampunan dicium
Suasana hening, kaku
Hanya irama tangisan
Tanda kesyukuran kepadaNya
Sayu dan syahdu
Menebus dosa dan meleraikan ketegangan
Memberi nikmat dan nafas baru
Di kala pagi raya

pain

2008-09-24T08:20:00.000-07:00

pain..
theres a rationale behind why God created this emotion
despite the fact that every one's nature of pain differ from one another,
all human beings endure this emotion from time to time
can you imagine life without pain?
a world free from grief and sorrow
a life so perfect nothing could ever go wrong
if you ask anyone out there,
what their idea of an ideal life is like,
their answer would perhaps be,
a life without pain
they are not aware that pain is what makes life worthy
it makes life appealing
it makes us appreciate small things we take for granted
it makes us wanna strive towards overcoming the pain and moving on with our lives
although it leaves permanent holes in our hearts,
it motivates us to work harder towards a better life

pain comes in all shapes and sizes,
anywhere and everywhere
it may strike us emotionally
the pain of parting with someone we love
the pain of not being able to live up to certain expectations
the pain of hurting our loved ones
the pain of being deceived
or it may hit us by the physical manner
the pain of being harassed,tortured and infected with sickness

can you imagine a world without these circumstances?
a world without pain is static
can you imagine not being able to cry?
everything in life is so perfect that our tear ducts are too proud to shed a single tear
can you imagine not being able to feel the adrenaline rush when you get something you've been longing for,
because your life is painless that your heart cannot comprehend the sensation?
can you imagine holding a newborn baby in your arms and feeling nothing but numbness?
can you imagine being in love and not be able to savor the miracle of pure happiness?

it is often said that war is cold-blooded murder
it only brings misery,loss and heartache
but would we really appreciate our peace and serenity if not due to the pain caused by war?
would we really be concerned to exercise our right to vote for our own government if not for the
political mess and mistakes made by our forefathers?
would we stumble upon humanity if there's no pain and suffering in this world?
would we grasp and value the idea of happiness at all if there was no pain?

Anugerah Paling Berharga

2008-09-07T10:57:00.000-07:00

Kau muncul ketika kegelapan

Awan redup mengiringi ketibaanmu

Taufan dan kilat memanah penjagamu

Mereka tersungkur,tak mampu bangkit

Kehadiranmu disalah ertikan

Jasad lemah mengaburi hikmah kewujudanmu

Sinar matamu jernih mencerminkan kesucian

Namun tak dapat menangkis kezaliman dan ketidakadilan

Tanganmu menyimpulkan tali yang hampir putus

Azalimu menduga mereka

Menjadikan aku manusia

Tanpamu,pasti aku terdampar di tanah jahil

Mengais ngais kebenaran

Kau datang tanpa dosa

Dan kau akan pulang tanpa dosa

Tempatmu telah dijanjikan disisiNya

It

2008-05-13T12:33:00.000-07:00

it sits proudly on its throne
staring straight at her
its worth a thousand words
carved a pure smile on her face
swept her troubles away
a question lingers on her mind
was it real?
or was it made believe
mending a shattered heart
restoring a collapsed faith

kamu

2008-05-11T12:13:00.000-07:00

sayu,sepi
riaknya saban senja
lirikan matanya sayup
wajahnya dibalut seribu misteri
hatinya sering gundah
berseorangan meniti badai hidup
kental menerjah arus kehidupan
sesekali melontarkan senyuman
mengelak menuturkan kata
pena sahabat sejatinya
matanya pantas menafsirkan perbuatan
akalnya tajam,dalam

hope

2008-04-30T14:07:00.000-07:00

unruly
like the sun shining
like the thunder rolling
why
is there a choice
with all her heart
or carved in half
wind and sunshine
wet or dry
aging beyond disbelief
through wry hasty moments
one remain
falling rain satisfies wishful desires
flaws adapt with fresh rosy leaves
scars covered with new coating
hopeful